1 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,008 -NARRATOR: Imagine meeting yourself. 2 00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:09,218 Who do you see? 3 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:12,304 ♪♪ 4 00:00:25,735 --> 00:00:28,738 ♪♪ 5 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:35,995 -It's wrong. -What? 6 00:00:36,078 --> 00:00:37,747 -What? 7 00:00:37,830 --> 00:00:39,457 Really. What? 8 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,917 Look, everything. All right? Everything is wrong. 9 00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:43,711 -Well, I read that every reunion is different. 10 00:00:43,836 --> 00:00:44,879 -Don't call it that. 11 00:00:44,962 --> 00:00:46,505 -What do you want me to call it, Tom? 12 00:00:46,589 --> 00:00:48,382 -I don't know, but it's not a reunion. 13 00:00:48,466 --> 00:00:50,342 -Mm... -I shouldn't have called. 14 00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,178 All right? I should have never called. 15 00:00:52,261 --> 00:00:53,971 -I wouldn't be here if you hadn't called. 16 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,973 -That's what I'm saying. 17 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,475 My nose isn't... 18 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:00,686 I have a... 19 00:01:00,770 --> 00:01:01,937 And your neck! 20 00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:04,356 It's all, like, fuckin' necky. 21 00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:07,735 -We're identical, Tom. 22 00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:11,113 You think this is easy for me, to meet you for the first time? 23 00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:13,324 Well, fuckin' A, it must be easy for you. 24 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,742 If you think you look like me, 25 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:17,369 it must be like winning a fuckin' jackpot! 26 00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:20,289 -Oh, you're an asshole. 27 00:01:20,998 --> 00:01:24,210 -You can't call me that. -I just did, asshole. 28 00:01:24,251 --> 00:01:27,213 -You... You can't do that. All right? 29 00:01:27,296 --> 00:01:29,423 There's... There's... There's a user agreement. 30 00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,175 It's not supposed to be like this. 31 00:01:31,258 --> 00:01:34,345 -Well, what'd you expect, we'd blow each other? 32 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:39,767 -I saw one of these reunions on the "Today Show." Okay? 33 00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:44,522 A doctor told me about it, said I should see it. 34 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:48,400 So I YouTube'd the damn thing and... there she was. 35 00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:50,486 [liquid pouring] 36 00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:53,614 National treasure, Hoda Kotb. 37 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:58,661 She had this old woman on. Ovarian cancer. Her. 38 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,413 They brought out the old woman's twin. 39 00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:05,251 God, they were identical. 40 00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:08,045 Carbon copy. 41 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,674 I mean... there were tears, 42 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,301 and they were holding hands. 43 00:02:14,385 --> 00:02:16,762 And no one could believe it, I mean... 44 00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:19,932 her family was there and they were just... 45 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:21,517 And it was all like... 46 00:02:25,062 --> 00:02:27,231 That's why we're even here. 47 00:02:27,314 --> 00:02:29,900 That's why I looked up the website. 48 00:02:29,984 --> 00:02:32,152 That's why I called the customer care rep, 49 00:02:32,236 --> 00:02:36,240 paid the 30 grand and agreed to wait six to eight weeks. 50 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,076 It's just all fuckin' wrong. 51 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:41,579 -Well, like I said, every reunion is different. 52 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,205 -I said don't call it that. 53 00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:45,082 -What would you like for me to call it, Tom? 54 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,459 -I don't know. 55 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:49,545 A meeting, a.a.a business meeting. 56 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:51,338 -Well, most of these are done at home. 57 00:02:51,422 --> 00:02:53,048 -Well, I would never let you near my family. 58 00:02:53,132 --> 00:02:54,842 [coughing] 59 00:03:11,483 --> 00:03:13,903 [breathing heavily] 60 00:03:15,279 --> 00:03:16,989 -Look, I'm sorry Hoda Kotb isn't here. 61 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:18,449 -It's not about Hoda Kotb. 62 00:03:20,075 --> 00:03:24,246 -This was never gonna be like the "Today Show," Tom. 63 00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:27,875 And it's because the company chose that old woman, 64 00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:32,129 because she was sweet and kind, 65 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,632 and she was a good crier, 66 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:38,844 and she was from Akron, Ohio, and she wasn't an asshole. 67 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,681 You are an asshole, Tom. 68 00:03:42,765 --> 00:03:45,726 And this is your nose, and these are your eyes, 69 00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:49,730 and your neck is pretty fuckin' necky. 70 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,399 I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you that, but it's true. 71 00:03:52,483 --> 00:03:55,819 -I didn't pay 30 grand to be criticized like this. 72 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,196 I'm calling customer care. 73 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:58,948 -You know what that could do to me? 74 00:03:59,031 --> 00:04:00,240 -Yes, I do. 75 00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:05,037 Yes, returning customer. 76 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:06,914 -MAN: [on phone, indistinct] 77 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,999 -Yeah, hi, Bennett, how are you? 78 00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:11,835 My name is Tom Wykgowski. 79 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:14,380 Account number? I don't have it. 80 00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:16,715 Oh, I can just ask... 81 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:21,971 -MAN: Tom, are you still there? 82 00:04:22,054 --> 00:04:23,806 Yeah, I'm still here. 83 00:04:24,515 --> 00:04:27,685 -854... 84 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:32,564 -854... -33... 85 00:04:32,648 --> 00:04:34,775 -33... -2... 86 00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:36,402 -2... -9. 87 00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:37,528 -9. 88 00:04:39,822 --> 00:04:42,616 Yes. Okay. Yes, hi, Bennett. 89 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:47,496 Yes, he came today. Right. But I paid 30 grand for this... 90 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:51,625 [scoffs] He looks nothing like me. 91 00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:52,751 All right, fine. 92 00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:55,838 You know what? Looks aside... 93 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,631 He acts nothing like me, Bennett. 94 00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,467 He's... He's petty, he's sarcastic, 95 00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,261 and he's a fuckin' asshole. 96 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,596 No, Bennett, I'm not an asshole. 97 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:05,931 -[chuckles] 98 00:05:06,015 --> 00:05:08,267 -You can look up my account all you want... 99 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:10,936 Well, what's an asshole quotient? 100 00:05:11,020 --> 00:05:12,771 And how the hell am I a seven? 101 00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:15,357 Mother... Look, I want my fuckin' money back! 102 00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:17,735 I want a full refund. That's right. 103 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,779 I'll drop him off at the nearest packaging center... 104 00:05:20,863 --> 00:05:23,282 This is supposed to be more like Hoda Kotb! 105 00:05:25,743 --> 00:05:27,995 -How'd that go, Tom? 106 00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:31,540 -Well. [coughing] 107 00:05:36,086 --> 00:05:41,008 Look, the guy from your company said 108 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:44,428 my asshole quotient is seven. 109 00:05:44,511 --> 00:05:47,431 -You called your daughter's friend a dipshit 110 00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:49,391 two days ago over text to your wife. 111 00:05:49,475 --> 00:05:52,978 -Well, Bailey is a dipshit. -She's four, Tom. 112 00:05:53,062 --> 00:05:55,230 -[sighs] What other quotients are there? 113 00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:58,442 -Anger is a six. 114 00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,652 Sarcasm is an eight. 115 00:06:00,736 --> 00:06:03,238 Fear is a nine. 116 00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,115 -Who did you even talk to about this? 117 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,742 -Your mom. 118 00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:09,328 -You talked to my mom? 119 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,497 -And I had a lovely time. 120 00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:13,082 -What did she say? 121 00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:14,792 -Well, she told me all about you. 122 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,127 -What did she say? -That's confidential. 123 00:06:17,211 --> 00:06:18,504 -Please. 124 00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:23,801 -She said you picked your nose a lot as a kid. 125 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:27,471 She said you hated her tuna casserole. 126 00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:30,099 She said she once walked in on you masturbating 127 00:06:30,182 --> 00:06:32,184 to an episode of the "Powerpuff Girls." 128 00:06:32,267 --> 00:06:34,603 -That never happened. 129 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,647 -She said she's angry with you. 130 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,233 She doesn't know why you haven't called her 131 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:40,776 in five months. 132 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,821 -Does she hate me? 133 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,906 -Why would she hate you? -I don't know. 134 00:06:45,989 --> 00:06:48,117 -Why would your mother hate you? -'Cause I'm leaving. 135 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:55,624 -But you're not leaving. 136 00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,044 -I am, though. 137 00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:00,462 -Tom, you're not leaving. 138 00:07:02,506 --> 00:07:03,590 -I'm leaving. 139 00:07:06,552 --> 00:07:07,970 Four to five months. 140 00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:11,515 That's how long they said I had left, right? 141 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,559 That's what they gave me. -I know that. 142 00:07:13,642 --> 00:07:15,894 But your not leaving. 143 00:07:15,978 --> 00:07:17,521 It's not your choice. 144 00:07:17,604 --> 00:07:19,898 It has nothing to do with you. 145 00:07:19,982 --> 00:07:23,026 Now, of course, she doesn't hate you. 146 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,778 She loves you. 147 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:27,739 That's why she's angry with you, she just... 148 00:07:27,823 --> 00:07:29,158 wishes you would call. 149 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,996 Look, I know you. 150 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:36,832 -You don't. -I do. 151 00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:39,168 Parts of you, at least. 152 00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:40,586 And I know that you're not gonna let 153 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:43,463 30 grand go to waste. 154 00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:47,217 We don't have a lot of time left together, Tom. 155 00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:50,429 We only have about... 15 minutes. 156 00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,975 And we have a lot more to cover. 157 00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:57,769 So... 158 00:07:57,853 --> 00:08:00,147 I think we should get started, right? 159 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,440 -Fine. 160 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,775 -Okay. 161 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:07,988 -The accounts can all be accessed 162 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,115 through my computer. -I know. 163 00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,910 -So you need to make sure that you're diversifying the fund. 164 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,787 -Class C-53 bonds at a net rate divestment of 165 00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,207 34.56 percent market cap. 166 00:08:18,290 --> 00:08:20,500 I spent the morning looking over your books. 167 00:08:20,584 --> 00:08:22,419 -You can't just... 168 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,547 That's 15 years of work. 169 00:08:25,631 --> 00:08:27,382 It took me 15 years to build that. 170 00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:32,262 -And it adds up to a simple algorithm. 171 00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:34,306 Just a simple code. 172 00:08:34,389 --> 00:08:36,725 It's amazing what we spend our time doing. Right? 173 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:38,268 [chuckles] 174 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,271 Tom, I've poured through millions of your emails, 175 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:45,108 text messages, photos, home videos, blog posts, 176 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:48,946 Twitter feeds, pig vid stories, 177 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:52,282 but I need things that can't be measured. 178 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:55,786 Or read. Or viewed or seen. 179 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,330 I need things that make you you. 180 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:01,750 Do you understand? 181 00:09:03,752 --> 00:09:05,796 -I guess. 182 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:06,838 -Okay. 183 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,801 So, tell me about Kelly. Where'd you two meet? 184 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:13,387 -You read my questionnaire, you know where we met. 185 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,138 -It's not about where you met. 186 00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:19,184 It's about how you tell me where you met. 187 00:09:19,268 --> 00:09:21,436 What it sounds like in your voice. 188 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,272 What I see in your eyes. 189 00:09:26,108 --> 00:09:28,694 -We met through friends. 190 00:09:28,777 --> 00:09:31,697 We were both living in L.A. and... 191 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,323 we went out on a date. 192 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,409 Like they used to do in the old days. 193 00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:38,495 We got together and... 194 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,957 kind of never got "untogether." 195 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:43,750 -So what do I need to know about Kelly? 196 00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,377 -What kind of question is that? 197 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,254 -The company gives us a list of questions. 198 00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:48,547 This is one of them. 199 00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,841 What do I need to know about Kelly? 200 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,968 -This is so stupid. 201 00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,681 Okay. 202 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,975 What you need to know about Kelly is... 203 00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,273 she's allergic to meat. 204 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,483 -[chuckles] -Which, if you ask her, 205 00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:11,528 she'll tell you that does not mean 206 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,530 she's a vegetarian. 207 00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:18,952 She loves hamburgers and pork chops, tenderloins. 208 00:10:19,036 --> 00:10:21,663 She just gets a nasty rash afterwards. 209 00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:24,082 -So, do I cook her a steak dinner or not? 210 00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:26,084 -[scoffs] You're fucked either way. 211 00:10:26,168 --> 00:10:27,586 -[chuckles] 212 00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:31,048 What else? 213 00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,719 -Kelly loves to sing. 214 00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:40,265 But is so self-conscious about it 215 00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:42,726 that she pretends she has a terrible voice 216 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,644 and won't even try. 217 00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:50,192 So you have to have Alexa play show tunes 218 00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:55,322 like "Music Man" or "Oklahoma!", 219 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:57,783 "Guys And Dolls," 220 00:10:57,866 --> 00:11:00,827 anything with Doris Day or Vera Lynn. 221 00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:06,041 And then... [chuckles] 222 00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:08,502 She won't be able to help herself. 223 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:10,337 -[chuckles] 224 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,341 -It's so beautiful. 225 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,639 I'm gonna miss hearing her sing. 226 00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:25,352 Gonna miss hearing a lot of things. 227 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:34,194 Kelly is a great mom. 228 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:41,993 Like... a really great mom. 229 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:48,125 She can anticipate anything. 230 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,126 [sniffles] 231 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:52,504 And the kids love being around her. 232 00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:55,465 So you have to let her give them their bath. 233 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:58,427 You have to let her put 'em to bed. 234 00:12:00,095 --> 00:12:04,474 You have to let her read 'em their stories. 235 00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:08,353 And don't get upset if they ask for her when they wake up, 236 00:12:08,437 --> 00:12:13,191 or if they ask for her before they go to bed. 237 00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:15,735 Because they still love you. Me. 238 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,823 It's just different. 239 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,996 And I can't get mad because... 240 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,081 I would love her more than me, too. 241 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,003 -Hm. 242 00:12:34,963 --> 00:12:37,674 -I do love her more than me. 243 00:12:40,886 --> 00:12:43,972 That's why I paid the 30 grand. 244 00:12:44,055 --> 00:12:46,349 [sniffles] 245 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,143 When we saw the thing... 246 00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,689 Hoda Kotb was... 247 00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:01,698 I just didn't want her to be alone. 248 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:02,866 -Mm-hm. 249 00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:07,162 -[chuckles] 250 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,208 Kelly farts, man. 251 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,667 [laughing] 252 00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:15,003 God, she really does fart. 253 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,547 It's the silent ones. Code red. 254 00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,716 [laughing] 255 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,302 Those are the ones you gotta watch out for. 256 00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,429 Can you smell? -Technically. 257 00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:27,807 -God. Then I apologize ahead of time. 258 00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:30,560 -[laughs] 259 00:13:30,644 --> 00:13:32,270 -I'll even miss her farts. 260 00:13:33,605 --> 00:13:35,607 [both laughing] 261 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,362 -What about Wilder? 262 00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:42,197 -Wilder. -Mm-hm. 263 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,741 -My boy. 264 00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:46,701 Wilder is a genius. 265 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:50,997 Like, he... he's really smart. 266 00:13:51,081 --> 00:13:54,334 Now, you know how every parent thinks their kid is a g... 267 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,961 Well, you don't know, but every parent thinks 268 00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:57,337 their kid is a genius, 269 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:59,839 but Wilder really is, I mean, he's... 270 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:03,802 He's a genius. 271 00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,764 He's really kind. 272 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:11,851 So kind. 273 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,232 And he loves not knowing things, 274 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:20,735 which is really hard because he's a genius. 275 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:23,488 But he loves it. 276 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:27,075 Because he loves discovering new things. 277 00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:30,620 He'll go down a Wikipedia worm hole 278 00:14:30,704 --> 00:14:32,122 for a week, 279 00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:37,794 and become an expert on the most random things. 280 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,298 Pez dispensers and Micronesia. 281 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:50,932 Or lymphoma. 282 00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:58,189 And he loves playing with his action figures, 283 00:14:58,273 --> 00:14:59,608 making stories up, 284 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:03,278 and I... I love watching him. 285 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:05,238 But he gets embarrassed if he knows... 286 00:15:05,322 --> 00:15:08,325 if he knows I'm there, so... 287 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,784 I can't let him know. 288 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,415 Sometimes, when he knows I'm there, 289 00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:20,462 he'll call the figures Dad and Wilder, 290 00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:24,549 and he'll make 'em go on these incredible journeys, 291 00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:29,888 these incredible... incredible adventures, 292 00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:32,474 all because he knows I'm watching, 293 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:35,477 and he knows it makes me so happy. 294 00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:38,730 -I don't know, Tom. 295 00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:42,692 I don't know that he knows you're watching. 296 00:15:42,776 --> 00:15:44,736 I think he just does that. 297 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,240 -[sniffles] Yeah. 298 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:54,204 He loves when I get him Rocky Road ice cream 299 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,706 from Carvel. [chuckles] 300 00:15:56,790 --> 00:16:00,877 And he hates when I'm on the phone for work. 301 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,340 I'm on the phone too much. 302 00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,176 -So I'll be on the phone too much. 303 00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,260 -No. 304 00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,559 He'll be really strong for Kelly and Peg. 305 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:22,816 -And Peg. 306 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,859 -[chuckles] 307 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,948 Peg. 308 00:16:30,031 --> 00:16:33,368 She's the boss, man. She's the commander in chief. 309 00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:37,747 My little girl, the... the... the queen of the castle. 310 00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,165 And tough as nails. 311 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,503 I remember when the adoption agency brought her home, 312 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:48,842 and I held her in my arms, this... this little creature. 313 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:51,094 I held her in my arms, man. 314 00:16:54,139 --> 00:16:55,974 And that little heartbeat 315 00:16:56,057 --> 00:17:00,645 told me everything I needed to know; 316 00:17:00,729 --> 00:17:03,273 all the secrets, all the instructions, 317 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,943 and from then on... [chuckles] 318 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,069 She's like me. 319 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,702 For better or for worse, 320 00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,036 she's a little me. 321 00:17:19,581 --> 00:17:22,792 [laughing] 322 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,295 Peg won't go to bed 323 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:31,718 unless you give her three kisses on her cheek... 324 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:36,306 two kisses on her forehead... 325 00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,433 and one little kiss on her nose. 326 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:46,149 And Peg's not scared of anything. 327 00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:51,613 Which sounds like what you'd want from your kids, 328 00:17:51,696 --> 00:17:53,490 but what you actually want is for your kids 329 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,159 to be scared of certain things. 330 00:17:56,242 --> 00:18:00,914 Like raccoons by the trashcan or a hot stove or... 331 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,250 speeding cars or heights and... 332 00:18:04,334 --> 00:18:08,463 you just can't let her out of your sight. 333 00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:09,589 Ever. 334 00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,224 Which seems like a task but... 335 00:18:22,894 --> 00:18:26,231 now... I wish... 336 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:29,776 -You'll never have to let her out of your sight again. 337 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:33,947 -Oh. And me and Peg have this... this secret handshake. 338 00:18:35,615 --> 00:18:36,658 So it's... 339 00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,621 One, two, three. 340 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:44,624 One, two. One. 341 00:18:46,042 --> 00:18:47,627 You got it? 342 00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:48,795 Okay, faster. 343 00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:54,676 [chuckling] 344 00:18:57,262 --> 00:18:58,346 Yeah. 345 00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:05,103 -Well, it sounds nice. 346 00:19:07,188 --> 00:19:08,565 -What's that? 347 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,400 -Being here. 348 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:14,445 Being you, just... being. 349 00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,572 -Yeah. 350 00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:18,408 It's nice. 351 00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:23,121 Sometimes hard. 352 00:19:23,204 --> 00:19:26,541 But I guess it beats the alternative, right? 353 00:19:30,753 --> 00:19:32,672 -Tom. 354 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,883 -Yeah, Tom? 355 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,175 -I'm glad you're here. 356 00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:41,514 I'm happy that you... you get to be. 357 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:49,105 -I'm nervous. -About what? 358 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,859 -Well, that I won't be just like you. 359 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,862 That I'm gonna be imperfect or... 360 00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:57,405 gonna do something wrong. 361 00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:00,199 -Then you'll be just like me. 362 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:06,205 Shit, I'm nervous, too. 363 00:20:06,289 --> 00:20:07,749 -About what? 364 00:20:07,832 --> 00:20:11,002 -That you'll be just like me. 365 00:20:11,085 --> 00:20:12,921 -I don't understand. 366 00:20:13,004 --> 00:20:15,548 -Yeah, and then they'll forget about me. 367 00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:18,301 -They'll never forget you. 368 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:21,262 -How do you know? 369 00:20:21,346 --> 00:20:25,642 -Because I'll make sure that I won't be just like you; 370 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,645 that when Peg asks for a kiss goodnight, 371 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:32,357 I'll give her two kisses on the cheek instead of three. 372 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:35,902 And when Wilder asks for Carvel, 373 00:20:35,985 --> 00:20:38,363 I'll bring him Cookies and Cream 374 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:40,990 instead of Rocky Road. -[chuckles] 375 00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:44,994 -And when Kelly farts loudly, 376 00:20:45,078 --> 00:20:46,537 I'll call it a code red 377 00:20:46,621 --> 00:20:49,082 that just for a moment... -[chuckling] 378 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:53,544 -They'll remember. 379 00:20:53,628 --> 00:20:56,839 And I might look like you, sound like you, 380 00:20:56,923 --> 00:20:59,258 feel like you, but... 381 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,637 I'm not you. 382 00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:05,098 Never will be. 383 00:21:06,975 --> 00:21:08,434 I never could be. 384 00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:13,064 -But what if... what if they send you back? 385 00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:15,066 What if they say there's an error, 386 00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:16,776 and they have to send a new you, 387 00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,987 and you have to teach him how to be Tom? 388 00:21:19,988 --> 00:21:22,156 -Yeah, but I still would have been Kelly's husband. 389 00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:27,328 I still would have been Wilder and Peg's dad. 390 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,915 I still would have been. 391 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,960 For a little while. 392 00:21:36,838 --> 00:21:39,424 -And you know... You know what else? 393 00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:41,467 You know what I realize? 394 00:21:41,551 --> 00:21:42,885 -What's that, Tom? 395 00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:47,807 -You're the luckiest man in the world. 396 00:21:50,727 --> 00:21:53,563 -Well, that makes you... -That's right. 397 00:21:54,439 --> 00:21:55,481 I think I am. 398 00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:03,322 -We're out of time, Tom. 399 00:22:03,406 --> 00:22:06,993 -Yeah, I've been hearing that a lot lately. 400 00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,995 -Anything else you want to add? 401 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,872 -Everything. 402 00:22:10,955 --> 00:22:13,791 I want to add... everything. 403 00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:18,838 But there isn't time, is there? 404 00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:25,219 See? 405 00:22:27,180 --> 00:22:28,639 This is what I imagined. 406 00:22:28,723 --> 00:22:30,516 [chuckling] 407 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,770 When I saw the Hoda Kotb thing, when I called... 408 00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:37,690 This feels right. 409 00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:44,655 -Tom. 410 00:22:44,739 --> 00:22:46,032 -Yeah. 411 00:22:47,617 --> 00:22:50,078 -I'm sorry I called you an asshole. 412 00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:52,246 -I am an asshole. 413 00:22:52,330 --> 00:22:55,500 -No. You're just a person. 414 00:22:55,583 --> 00:22:56,959 A human being. 415 00:22:58,294 --> 00:23:01,881 That isn't always easy. And that's okay. 416 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,259 -And, Tom. -Yeah. 417 00:23:06,761 --> 00:23:08,179 -I'm glad I got you. 418 00:23:10,556 --> 00:23:12,433 I mean, I'm glad I'm you. 419 00:23:14,102 --> 00:23:15,144 -Me, too. 420 00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:19,774 Me, too. 421 00:23:24,946 --> 00:23:27,949 ♪♪