1 00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:06,380 It is... different. 2 00:00:06,470 --> 00:00:09,930 Isolation is not easy for anyone. 3 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,800 All of the global pain and the global trauma 4 00:00:12,890 --> 00:00:14,770 is coming to the surface. 5 00:00:24,020 --> 00:00:26,900 So this... idea 6 00:00:26,990 --> 00:00:30,320 of what COVID-19 has done to people 7 00:00:30,410 --> 00:00:34,450 along with this isolation and its deprivation 8 00:00:34,540 --> 00:00:36,700 for so many areas of our lives, 9 00:00:36,790 --> 00:00:40,830 I think it's the prolonged inability 10 00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,880 to be able to have life as we knew it 11 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:46,380 and isolation and loneliness turns into, 12 00:00:46,460 --> 00:00:48,970 you know, other forms of behavior 13 00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:51,890 that might not be useful or helpful to you. 14 00:00:51,970 --> 00:00:55,260 But I haven't seen enough attention given 15 00:00:55,350 --> 00:00:58,770 to what people are actually experiencing every day. 16 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:02,650 Knowing that self-isolation was gonna cause 17 00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:05,980 so many mental health issues for so many people 18 00:01:06,070 --> 00:01:08,280 that were probably on the brink anyway 19 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,650 that didn't know about it, to have that community 20 00:01:10,740 --> 00:01:12,360 whether it's in person, whether it's family, 21 00:01:12,450 --> 00:01:14,370 whether it is friends, or whether it is 22 00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:16,030 on social media or otherwise, 23 00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:20,210 it is absolutely vital that we have a safe space 24 00:01:20,290 --> 00:01:22,460 to be able to share and to be able 25 00:01:22,540 --> 00:01:25,130 to talk to an individual or a group, 26 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:27,050 which in turn also gives them the opportunity 27 00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:29,130 to share back as well, so it is gonna be a case 28 00:01:29,210 --> 00:01:31,090 of healing the world. 29 00:01:33,720 --> 00:01:36,050 It hurts 30 00:01:36,140 --> 00:01:38,970 because at the end of the day, there's so much going on, 31 00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:40,930 and everybody's starting to realize 32 00:01:41,020 --> 00:01:45,520 that mental health right now during COVID is huge. 33 00:01:45,610 --> 00:01:48,610 And from someone who's in that depression 34 00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:52,280 and anxiety point... 35 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:54,740 And being isolated and having nobody, 36 00:01:54,820 --> 00:01:56,580 it's really hard. 37 00:02:00,330 --> 00:02:01,660 It's really hard not to have someone 38 00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:04,670 to talk to at the end of the night 39 00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:07,170 to express your frustrations and your good things 40 00:02:07,250 --> 00:02:09,760 and your bad things and... 41 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,100 I'm nervous. 42 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:22,100 I'm, you know, tripping because we don't know 43 00:02:22,180 --> 00:02:25,190 what's gonna come, and, um, 44 00:02:25,270 --> 00:02:27,060 like I always say, you just gotta have a lot of faith 45 00:02:27,150 --> 00:02:31,860 during this time and a lot of just, um... 46 00:02:31,940 --> 00:02:33,400 hope. 47 00:02:33,490 --> 00:02:36,780 My anxiety has been, you know, pretty high, 48 00:02:36,870 --> 00:02:38,780 kind of bad these past coup... two weeks 49 00:02:38,870 --> 00:02:41,790 because I don't know what's next. 50 00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:43,790 I don't know how long everybody's gonna 51 00:02:43,870 --> 00:02:46,630 be in quarantine or if we're gonna go in lockdown. 52 00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:48,040 It's the unknown. 53 00:02:48,130 --> 00:02:49,420 I just have to stop myself and say, 54 00:02:49,500 --> 00:02:51,920 "Okay, that's enough social media for this day. 55 00:02:52,010 --> 00:02:53,840 That's enough news for us today." 56 00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:56,340 Not being able to see my friends, 57 00:02:56,430 --> 00:02:57,850 not being able to have 58 00:02:57,930 --> 00:03:00,850 that physical connection with people. 59 00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,810 I don't know why I do anything 60 00:03:02,890 --> 00:03:07,060 to make myself feel better when in the end, 61 00:03:07,150 --> 00:03:09,940 there's gonna be 70,000 different things 62 00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:12,400 that are gonna make me feel bad. 63 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:16,820 We're staring at the walls 64 00:03:16,910 --> 00:03:18,490 now that we're in isolation. 65 00:03:18,570 --> 00:03:20,830 It's interesting, isn't it, who really calls 66 00:03:20,910 --> 00:03:23,160 when you're there losing patience? 67 00:03:23,250 --> 00:03:25,080 So be kind to yourself. 68 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,420 You got the answer in the palm of your hand. 69 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,670 And this is the time we need to learn to love ourselves 70 00:03:29,750 --> 00:03:32,380 and that's the answer, so right now that's the plan. 71 00:03:32,460 --> 00:03:34,760 And we'll get through this, and before you know it, 72 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:37,090 we'll be back stuck in traffic, 73 00:03:37,180 --> 00:03:38,550 spending money where it's not needed 74 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,600 on expensive food and fabric, 75 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,470 and we'll walk past each other in the street 76 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,480 like none of this ever happened to not one of us on the planet. 77 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:47,560 But take this time for yourself, 78 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,610 and in return, you'll be helping humanity. 79 00:03:50,690 --> 00:03:54,690 And somewhere in that gap, we make magic. 80 00:04:00,620 --> 00:04:02,490 I write poetry for a living. 81 00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:06,660 I write stories mainly based on my own life experiences 82 00:04:06,750 --> 00:04:08,710 and things I see around me. 83 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,050 My job as a poet is to sometimes unearth 84 00:04:14,130 --> 00:04:17,340 conversations that people aren't used to having, 85 00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:18,470 conversations I believe 86 00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:19,970 that are swept under the carpet, 87 00:04:20,050 --> 00:04:21,260 swept under the rug. 88 00:04:24,470 --> 00:04:25,770 I was the biggest underachiever 89 00:04:25,850 --> 00:04:27,770 in my year group at school, 90 00:04:27,850 --> 00:04:29,770 but I was always fascinated with words, 91 00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:34,150 and I could never find stories I was able to relate to. 92 00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,110 Then, behold, I discovered Eminem, 93 00:04:37,190 --> 00:04:39,530 So Solid Crew, Dizzee Rascal, 94 00:04:39,610 --> 00:04:42,570 and then I was able to find, like, versions of my life 95 00:04:42,660 --> 00:04:44,120 I was able to relate to in them, 96 00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,200 and I just started recording my own stuff 97 00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:51,670 that I had been writing in my school planner. 98 00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,290 That boy just wants to be heard. 99 00:04:53,380 --> 00:04:55,170 He's got a dream that nobody's heard. 100 00:04:55,250 --> 00:04:56,960 He was kicked now straight to the curb. 101 00:04:57,050 --> 00:04:59,130 He was on the edge kind of like a suburb, 102 00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:01,130 but he just wants to earn, never gonna quit. 103 00:05:01,220 --> 00:05:03,680 He's always gonna learn. 104 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:05,930 I end up going to a university in London, 105 00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:09,640 and I'm becoming so depressed. 106 00:05:09,730 --> 00:05:12,480 Moving out was never, like, um, 107 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,900 a thing for me coming from, like, a Pakistani household. 108 00:05:15,980 --> 00:05:17,530 You only really move out once you're married, 109 00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:22,070 so I started to compare my life to other people's. 110 00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,580 I was just in a really bad place. 111 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:29,790 My mum was a key anchor. 112 00:05:29,870 --> 00:05:31,290 She would come into my bedroom and say, 113 00:05:31,370 --> 00:05:32,790 "No, look, you have to get up. 114 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,500 The distance between you standing up and the floor, 115 00:05:35,590 --> 00:05:37,590 it's not...I know it seems like it's a lot, 116 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,670 but it's not a lot. You can get out of bed. 117 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,970 Once you get out of bed, make your bed. 118 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:43,430 There, you've done something. See? 119 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,640 You've done something." 120 00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:47,390 And she was proper cockney, 121 00:05:47,470 --> 00:05:48,890 which was weird because if you'd see 122 00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:50,600 how she was dressed, she would be dressed 123 00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:52,060 in traditional Pakistani clothes, 124 00:05:52,140 --> 00:05:53,150 and she'd be like, 125 00:05:53,230 --> 00:05:54,810 "Y'all work in Dagenham Motors?" 126 00:05:54,900 --> 00:05:57,230 So it was, like, a huge juxtaposition 127 00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:59,740 of identity and culture, 128 00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:01,650 but I believe everything I learned, 129 00:06:01,740 --> 00:06:03,700 I learned from her. 130 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,950 Strong woman. Very strong woman. 131 00:06:07,370 --> 00:06:09,490 I said to my mum, "I'm quitting everything. 132 00:06:09,580 --> 00:06:11,080 I'm gonna be a poet." 133 00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:12,710 And she goes, "What are you gonna write about?" 134 00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:14,420 And I said, "Depression." 135 00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:15,830 She goes, "If you say that again, 136 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,250 I'm gonna give you something to be depressed about." 137 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,130 There was this competition, 138 00:06:21,220 --> 00:06:22,720 finding a young voice, 139 00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,380 and it was all based on if you could change the world, 140 00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:25,640 how would you change it? 141 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,180 It was open to 90 countries. 142 00:06:27,260 --> 00:06:30,220 Thousands of people entered it, and I entered it. 143 00:06:30,310 --> 00:06:32,680 There was a series of stages, and then the final stage 144 00:06:32,770 --> 00:06:35,060 was a keynote speech at One Young World 145 00:06:35,150 --> 00:06:37,310 in Thailand, which I had no idea 146 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:38,480 what a keynote speech was. 147 00:06:38,570 --> 00:06:39,780 I'd never written one in my life. 148 00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,990 I had to deliver a keynote 149 00:06:42,070 --> 00:06:43,740 based on mental health. 150 00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,610 Have three minutes. Go. 151 00:06:45,700 --> 00:06:48,370 Next up, Hussain Manawer. 152 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:54,080 Dear Mum, I wasn't meant for this planet. 153 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:55,710 You see, you did everything you could, 154 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:56,960 so please don't panic. 155 00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,040 No one likes me, so I might as well vanish. 156 00:06:59,130 --> 00:07:01,840 See, I write stories. I write them on my arm. 157 00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,220 Only I can read them, 158 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,130 but the doctor calls it self-harm. 159 00:07:05,220 --> 00:07:07,300 When I bleed, he tells me to put on a plaster, 160 00:07:07,390 --> 00:07:08,720 but I'm depressed inside. 161 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,180 There's no bandage for this internal disaster. 162 00:07:11,270 --> 00:07:13,100 But it's all right, Mum, I found a cure. 163 00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:14,640 I'm not alone. The calling's come. 164 00:07:14,730 --> 00:07:16,190 You see, God's calling me home. 165 00:07:16,270 --> 00:07:17,980 But what about the soldiers, Mum? 166 00:07:18,060 --> 00:07:19,310 The state of their minds? 167 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,400 The flashbacks of death and the sounds of cries. 168 00:07:21,480 --> 00:07:24,440 Do we expect our soldiers to have a healthy state of mind? 169 00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:26,860 Negative, soldier. Good job, but access denied. 170 00:07:26,950 --> 00:07:28,490 My sisters, 171 00:07:28,570 --> 00:07:30,330 I'm with you all until the end. 172 00:07:30,410 --> 00:07:32,580 There's over 100 million who are currently living 173 00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,620 with the consequences of FGM. 174 00:07:34,710 --> 00:07:37,500 That's female mutilation. That's psychological poverty. 175 00:07:37,580 --> 00:07:39,000 The inhumane degrading treatment 176 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:40,250 of gender inequality. 177 00:07:40,340 --> 00:07:42,590 When I speak of Mum, I took Mother Nature. 178 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:45,470 She created us all, so together surely we should be greater, 179 00:07:45,550 --> 00:07:47,630 but mentally where we stand, I am not in favor, 180 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:49,850 and, to me, that problem couldn't be any greater. 181 00:07:49,930 --> 00:07:51,810 Am I going too deep? 182 00:07:56,890 --> 00:07:59,350 Mentally, we have become detached from ourselves 183 00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:01,690 and society, so can somebody tell me 184 00:08:01,770 --> 00:08:04,820 it's okay not to be okay, and do not tell me quietly, 185 00:08:04,900 --> 00:08:09,450 because mental health matters and that's the reality! 186 00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:18,120 The winner is Hussain Manawer. 187 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:26,340 Now, like, I believe, "an artist." 188 00:08:26,420 --> 00:08:28,380 I'm an artist. I'm living at home. 189 00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:31,390 I'm...converted my shed into a studio, 190 00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:33,180 and everything's happening from there. 191 00:08:43,770 --> 00:08:45,480 I feel like because of the work that I do, 192 00:08:45,570 --> 00:08:48,990 I open up a big vulnerability about myself, 193 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:51,240 and that is what people connect to. 194 00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:56,410 I then looked at it like a gift. 195 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:58,120 The gift of pain. 196 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,920 If you can utilize the gift of pain, 197 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,710 not only will you help yourself, 198 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:06,630 you'll help other people around you. 199 00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:10,590 We've never gone through 200 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,220 the same amount of pain with our mental health 201 00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:15,510 as we are doing currently right now in society, 202 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:17,640 which is why we all need to come together 203 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:21,270 to figure out solutions, and we've got too much 204 00:09:21,350 --> 00:09:22,810 already living under the carpet. 205 00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:24,110 We can't have anything else living there, 206 00:09:24,190 --> 00:09:25,270 which is why, like, 207 00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,150 I get up every day and I do what I do. 208 00:09:32,490 --> 00:09:34,990 I actually don't know what I do. 209 00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,620 It's more a time I'm asking the question of, 210 00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:40,040 "What needs to be done?" 211 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:43,040 I'm learning to take this life for what it is, 212 00:09:43,130 --> 00:09:45,840 to give more and argue less and forever dream. 213 00:09:45,920 --> 00:09:50,010 To walk on air and fly through clouds is all I need. 214 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,930 I am pretending not to be too mainstream. 215 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:55,720 And my elbows are dry. I still need to cream. 216 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:57,760 And believe me, me and my friends 217 00:09:57,850 --> 00:09:59,850 have the worst five-a-side football team... 218 00:10:01,390 --> 00:10:03,600 But it's all I want... 219 00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,730 because it's all I need. 220 00:10:08,820 --> 00:10:11,320 I'd be going out really late, coming home. 221 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:12,910 I'd go out, 222 00:10:12,990 --> 00:10:15,950 come home around 3:00, 4:00 in the morning, 223 00:10:16,030 --> 00:10:17,740 and my mum is there praying. 224 00:10:18,950 --> 00:10:20,200 A ship is safe in the harbor, 225 00:10:20,290 --> 00:10:21,410 but that's not what ships are built for. 226 00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:22,960 And it's true. 227 00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:26,170 Now, dude, you're a sick ship. You're, like, a yacht out here. 228 00:10:26,250 --> 00:10:30,920 August 31st, 2017. 229 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:36,470 My dad phones me around 11:00, 230 00:10:36,550 --> 00:10:38,850 and he's like, "Where's Mum?" 231 00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:42,270 And I'm like, "She's at home." He's like, "No, she's not." 232 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,940 And I can hear him calling her like, 233 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:45,190 "Ness, Ness, where are you?" 234 00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,610 And I was like, "Hm, that's a bit strange." 235 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,190 He puts the phone down, and then I look at my friend, 236 00:10:50,280 --> 00:10:52,530 and I'm like, "I need to leave." 237 00:10:55,110 --> 00:10:57,740 I pull up to my road now. There's four ambulances. 238 00:10:57,820 --> 00:11:00,950 I come inside the living room. 239 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,660 Exactly where her prayer mat is, 240 00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:07,290 she had a brain aneurism and passed away. 241 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,000 She was only 49. 242 00:11:13,630 --> 00:11:16,340 Sudden death is such a shock to the system. 243 00:11:16,430 --> 00:11:19,600 Nothing in this world can prepare you for it. 244 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,640 The ambulance is there. The police are there. 245 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,640 Everyone has come to the house within minutes, 246 00:11:24,730 --> 00:11:28,110 and my mum's laying there, and I was whispering stuff 247 00:11:28,190 --> 00:11:31,480 in her ear like, "You can wake up, you know?" 248 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:36,360 And then there's nothing, 249 00:11:36,450 --> 00:11:38,200 so I kiss her feet. 250 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,910 That's the last thing I did. I kissed her feet. 251 00:11:41,990 --> 00:11:44,870 And I miss her so much, man. 252 00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:54,050 I'm like, "Yo, I'm so bamboozled right now. 253 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:55,380 I can't process anything." 254 00:11:55,470 --> 00:11:57,890 I look at my best friends, both of them, 255 00:11:57,970 --> 00:11:59,640 and the first thing I said to them was, 256 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:00,930 "Book a week off work, 257 00:12:01,010 --> 00:12:02,760 and you book the following week off work. 258 00:12:02,850 --> 00:12:04,470 You're gonna need to sleep in my bedroom, 259 00:12:04,560 --> 00:12:05,890 and once you're done for the week, 260 00:12:05,980 --> 00:12:07,600 then you're gonna have to sleep in my bedroom 261 00:12:07,690 --> 00:12:09,650 because I think I'm gonna kill myself." 262 00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:16,280 I think I was brave enough to be honest to them 263 00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:19,160 and say to them, "I can't handle this." 264 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:21,950 Like, I actually cannot handle this. 265 00:12:22,030 --> 00:12:24,450 It's too much. It's too quick. 266 00:12:24,540 --> 00:12:25,790 It's too sudden, 267 00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:28,290 and when I've been depressed before 268 00:12:28,370 --> 00:12:30,580 and had suicidal thoughts, 269 00:12:30,670 --> 00:12:33,090 this gave me enough of a reason to just be like, 270 00:12:33,170 --> 00:12:35,550 "Yeah, I'm done. It's over. 271 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,550 Go and be with her." 272 00:12:37,630 --> 00:12:39,970 I went from being this person who was saying, 273 00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:41,470 "Mental health is a problem," 274 00:12:41,550 --> 00:12:44,810 to being the person with the problem. 275 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:49,270 I've been depressed before, 276 00:12:49,350 --> 00:12:52,230 mildly compared to this. 277 00:12:52,310 --> 00:12:55,690 And, um, somebody said to me, 278 00:12:55,780 --> 00:12:58,700 "Your mum can teach you everything, 279 00:12:58,780 --> 00:13:02,030 but she can't teach you how to live without her." 280 00:13:04,620 --> 00:13:07,080 I miss you. 281 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,960 No matter what they say, I miss you. 282 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,670 I've never missed anyone the way I miss you. 283 00:13:13,750 --> 00:13:15,920 Our house doesn't smell the same. 284 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,760 Our doorbell doesn't ring your name. 285 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,890 Our home phone doesn't buzz for days, 286 00:13:21,970 --> 00:13:25,180 and our names don't mean our names. 287 00:13:25,260 --> 00:13:27,310 I had to discover and really look 288 00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:30,060 and invest time in myself, and that's when I think 289 00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:32,230 people talk about "self-love and self-care." 290 00:13:32,310 --> 00:13:36,150 That's what it actually is, discovering and investigating 291 00:13:36,230 --> 00:13:38,740 the best things for you. 292 00:13:38,820 --> 00:13:41,910 If heaven would let you have a day out, 293 00:13:41,990 --> 00:13:44,200 would you come and visit? 294 00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,410 If you could go back to that day, Mum, 295 00:13:47,490 --> 00:13:49,450 would you go and live it? 296 00:13:49,540 --> 00:13:50,870 I need to know. 297 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:54,880 Did God take your heart, or did you go and give it? 298 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,050 And I need you to speak back to me right now, Mum, 299 00:13:57,130 --> 00:13:59,720 because everybody kind of thinks I'm not with it. 300 00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:04,260 What helps is just by people 301 00:14:04,340 --> 00:14:07,260 receiving people's emotions. 302 00:14:07,350 --> 00:14:10,640 Because depression took over my nights. 303 00:14:10,730 --> 00:14:13,650 Self-doubt took over my flight, 304 00:14:13,730 --> 00:14:17,320 and suicide tried to jump into my fight. 305 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:19,280 So do you know what I did, ladies and gentlemen? 306 00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:20,530 I started to write. 307 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:22,950 It's like a release. It's like therapy. 308 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:26,620 It's like I've drained my brain, 309 00:14:26,700 --> 00:14:28,830 and that's what I needed to do. 310 00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:33,000 You have to find somebody who has an understanding 311 00:14:33,080 --> 00:14:35,080 of where you are coming from. 312 00:14:35,170 --> 00:14:37,420 I'm gonna write every moment on the way. 313 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:39,670 I'm gonna share with you all my journal. 314 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:43,430 It gets cold on certain pages, so read this in your thermals. 315 00:14:43,510 --> 00:14:45,390 I think it's easier when someone looks 316 00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:46,720 at someone else doing it and says, 317 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:48,930 "Oh, you know what he just said about his mum? 318 00:14:49,010 --> 00:14:51,270 Yeah, like, well, that happened with me and my dad." 319 00:14:51,350 --> 00:14:54,770 And I was able to be a part of something in their lives 320 00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:56,360 to help start a conversation. 321 00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:04,150 Being diagnosed with depression, anxiety, 322 00:15:04,240 --> 00:15:06,160 whatever, any mental health illness, 323 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,330 and talking about it is not a sign of weakness. 324 00:15:09,410 --> 00:15:11,200 In today's world more than ever, 325 00:15:11,290 --> 00:15:14,250 it is a sign of strength without question 326 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:16,880 because you have the power 327 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,590 to be able...the confidence... 328 00:15:18,670 --> 00:15:20,420 to be able to show vulnerability 329 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:23,760 in a way that isn't weakness but that is strength. 330 00:15:26,180 --> 00:15:29,930 I tried conventional therapy. 331 00:15:30,010 --> 00:15:32,310 Tried church for a while. 332 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,520 Nothing's working. 333 00:15:37,230 --> 00:15:39,440 The world is a fairly inhospitable place 334 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:42,860 for grieving people. 335 00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:44,700 Selah Carefarm is a place 336 00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:49,030 where animals who have known loneliness and fear 337 00:15:49,120 --> 00:15:51,870 and trauma and loss 338 00:15:51,950 --> 00:15:54,370 create this connection with humans 339 00:15:54,450 --> 00:15:57,370 who've also known these experiences, 340 00:15:57,460 --> 00:15:59,330 and the humans look at them and go, 341 00:15:59,420 --> 00:16:01,920 "Maybe I can get through this. Maybe I can survive this. 342 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:03,800 Maybe with love and compassion, 343 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,840 I can learn how to live again." 344 00:16:07,930 --> 00:16:11,180 This is a place where traumatic grief and love 345 00:16:11,260 --> 00:16:15,310 and beauty and pain coexist and intersect. 346 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,440 People from all over the world come here to feel. 347 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,900 There we go, pretty girl. 348 00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,780 We have brought together 349 00:16:23,860 --> 00:16:25,860 an intentional community 350 00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:28,910 where we just sort of let them be 351 00:16:28,990 --> 00:16:31,200 and they get from the experience 352 00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:33,080 what they need to get. 353 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:37,250 Come here, Percy. 354 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,210 Come on. Yeah. 355 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,670 He's kind of like the juvenile delinquent 356 00:16:42,750 --> 00:16:44,460 of the bunch, 357 00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:46,090 which is why he and I get along. 358 00:16:46,170 --> 00:16:48,130 Come here, buddy! 359 00:16:48,220 --> 00:16:49,640 What are you doing, buddy? 360 00:16:49,720 --> 00:16:51,680 It's like they say even with service animals, 361 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,260 they let the dog pick the person, 362 00:16:53,350 --> 00:16:56,640 and of all the dogs here... 363 00:16:56,730 --> 00:17:00,150 Percy, for some reason, picked me. 364 00:17:00,230 --> 00:17:02,110 Abused animals and abused people 365 00:17:02,190 --> 00:17:03,690 are the same way. 366 00:17:03,770 --> 00:17:05,530 They're skittish. They're uncomfortable. 367 00:17:05,610 --> 00:17:08,400 They're nervous. 368 00:17:08,490 --> 00:17:10,320 When I came here, 369 00:17:10,410 --> 00:17:12,910 really neurologically, I was in trouble, 370 00:17:12,990 --> 00:17:15,450 and I meet Doc, and by that time, 371 00:17:15,540 --> 00:17:20,370 I realized we had been sitting here for 2 1/2 hours, 372 00:17:20,460 --> 00:17:23,380 and I had nonstop talked to her... 373 00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:32,340 About... who Corey was 374 00:17:32,430 --> 00:17:34,510 and why I was here. 375 00:17:36,220 --> 00:17:38,680 Come on. 376 00:17:38,770 --> 00:17:42,100 Nobody wants to talk about losing a child. 377 00:17:45,320 --> 00:17:48,070 The biggest thing you feel is that the entire universe 378 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:51,410 or even God has betrayed you and taken your child. 379 00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,500 I'd had a whole lot of issues 380 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:03,130 long before Corey passed. 381 00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,510 When I was eight years old, 382 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,260 I was molested by a family member. 383 00:18:16,010 --> 00:18:18,270 That was my introduction to shame. 384 00:18:19,810 --> 00:18:22,100 I knew that being physically abused 385 00:18:22,190 --> 00:18:24,650 by my dad, that was in my way. 386 00:18:24,730 --> 00:18:27,190 I knew that having a mother that said, 387 00:18:27,270 --> 00:18:30,070 "You're just like your father, and I hate him." 388 00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:31,490 That was fucked up, 389 00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:33,610 and I knew that I needed to get beyond that. 390 00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:35,030 I joined the navy. 391 00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,780 I got out. I did Lifespring. 392 00:18:36,870 --> 00:18:38,330 Got married. Had kids. 393 00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:39,700 That was fucked up. 394 00:18:39,790 --> 00:18:41,750 Went to counseling. Went to marriage counseling. 395 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,250 My kids were fucked up. 396 00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:48,420 The problem was, the same thing occurred. 397 00:18:48,500 --> 00:18:51,420 Somehow, shame would interrupt progress. 398 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:58,510 I started it three months ago. 399 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,770 All I'm doing is I'm gonna cut off sections 400 00:19:00,850 --> 00:19:05,480 of this plywood so that the goats... 401 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,110 don't get caught up 402 00:19:07,190 --> 00:19:08,820 when they're running up the ramp. 403 00:19:11,190 --> 00:19:14,320 Goat-a-rama phase one. 404 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,450 The least I can do... 405 00:19:18,530 --> 00:19:20,870 is help out with some of the critters. 406 00:19:23,910 --> 00:19:26,080 The one thing that I guess in the whole story 407 00:19:26,170 --> 00:19:30,000 that I'm leaving out, my dad was messed up... 408 00:19:30,090 --> 00:19:32,710 but my dad apologized. 409 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,090 I tried to do the same thing in Corey's life, 410 00:19:37,180 --> 00:19:39,680 but it didn't work out, and obviously, 411 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,680 I wasn't as successful as my dad 412 00:19:41,770 --> 00:19:45,270 because I'm still here and Corey's not. 413 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,230 That's Corey. 414 00:19:49,310 --> 00:19:52,570 Apple River Canyon State Park. 415 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,110 That's how he lived his life, on the edge of the cliff 416 00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:56,990 with his arms spread wide open. 417 00:19:57,070 --> 00:19:59,490 He wasn't afraid. 418 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,830 I'm not sure what scared him. 419 00:20:04,910 --> 00:20:06,830 Don't know what would make a kid like Corey 420 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,830 commit suicide. 421 00:20:15,050 --> 00:20:16,720 Parents with kids with suicide 422 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:20,390 wanna talk about why it was our fault, 423 00:20:20,470 --> 00:20:22,470 and the first answer is, 424 00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,770 "You did the best that you could, 425 00:20:24,850 --> 00:20:26,810 and he was mentally ill." 426 00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:28,230 Bullshit. 427 00:20:28,310 --> 00:20:32,110 He was a kid having trouble, and his family fucked him. 428 00:20:35,610 --> 00:20:38,360 Grief is a complicated emotion. 429 00:20:38,450 --> 00:20:41,280 It contains many emotional experiences 430 00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:43,830 from despair and anguish, 431 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,120 longing, pining, 432 00:20:46,210 --> 00:20:49,670 intense yearning, anger and rage, 433 00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:54,590 fear and terror, deep sadness and despair, 434 00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:59,090 especially when grief is catastrophic and traumatic. 435 00:20:59,180 --> 00:21:01,600 It can overwhelm us and shut us down, 436 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:05,850 and that's why we need others in our circle 437 00:21:05,930 --> 00:21:07,640 to support us through that. 438 00:21:12,020 --> 00:21:14,150 Right there. He's at the fence. 439 00:21:14,230 --> 00:21:16,740 What's up, buddy? Huh? 440 00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:18,990 What? What? 441 00:21:19,070 --> 00:21:20,660 What? 442 00:21:22,700 --> 00:21:24,120 Aww. 443 00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:31,250 The best things for ourselves when we're hurting 444 00:21:31,330 --> 00:21:32,580 is another loving, 445 00:21:32,670 --> 00:21:34,840 compassionate person or animal... 446 00:21:38,220 --> 00:21:41,590 Who doesn't judge us, who doesn't push us, 447 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:45,060 who doesn't shame us, who holds space for us. 448 00:21:47,140 --> 00:21:50,390 Animals have a great way of that, don't they? 449 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:52,060 I...I mean, 450 00:21:52,150 --> 00:21:56,190 they just show up, and they're there. 451 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,150 Whoa, is that good? 452 00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:00,780 Is that the spot, hm? 453 00:22:00,860 --> 00:22:02,660 Are her eyes getting sleepy? 454 00:22:02,740 --> 00:22:03,870 She's just sticking her head up. 455 00:22:03,950 --> 00:22:05,530 Ooh, ooh. 456 00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:09,330 I'm on antianxiety, 457 00:22:09,410 --> 00:22:12,210 pain meds, antidepressants. 458 00:22:12,290 --> 00:22:13,630 Nothing's working. 459 00:22:13,710 --> 00:22:14,790 Somebody been taking care of her. 460 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:16,170 Yeah. 461 00:22:16,250 --> 00:22:17,800 So I started reading everything I can 462 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:20,380 about community, and the big thing 463 00:22:20,470 --> 00:22:25,010 that Dr. Jo had done was rescued the animals 464 00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:27,010 when they weren't rescuable, 465 00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:30,270 and basically that's where psychiatry had left me, 466 00:22:30,350 --> 00:22:34,560 was that I wasn't rescuable. 467 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,030 Corey decided... 468 00:22:40,110 --> 00:22:43,740 that somehow it was better to be dead... 469 00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:45,870 than hang around and tell his family 470 00:22:45,950 --> 00:22:49,750 or depend on his family or work with his family. 471 00:22:49,830 --> 00:22:52,290 His family was so fucked up... 472 00:22:55,790 --> 00:22:57,460 That he couldn't stay. 473 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,510 In order to get to the other side, 474 00:23:01,590 --> 00:23:03,340 if that's possible, 475 00:23:03,430 --> 00:23:06,010 of how I feel about Corey's death, 476 00:23:06,090 --> 00:23:08,180 you have to be vulnerable. 477 00:23:08,260 --> 00:23:11,060 People don't want to be vulnerable. 478 00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:15,480 I mean, I understand that it's difficult. 479 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:18,190 It's difficult for me to come here. 480 00:23:18,270 --> 00:23:19,610 In what way? 481 00:23:21,900 --> 00:23:23,320 Um... 482 00:23:25,860 --> 00:23:28,620 The amount of work that... 483 00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:30,120 it takes. 484 00:23:33,830 --> 00:23:36,000 It's all about choice. 485 00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,750 And the only choice at the farm is, 486 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,260 is they've decided 487 00:23:41,340 --> 00:23:45,630 this is where broken people can come and be broken. 488 00:23:45,720 --> 00:23:49,220 You don't have to do anything. There's no prescription. 489 00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:52,430 You don't have to...nothing. 490 00:23:52,520 --> 00:23:54,060 There's no program. 491 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,110 I just miss her. 492 00:24:00,190 --> 00:24:02,610 It feels like it's getting worse. 493 00:24:02,690 --> 00:24:05,700 She's just gone. 494 00:24:07,450 --> 00:24:11,120 You and Leland get to talk about her much? 495 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:13,910 - We do. - Mm-hmm. 496 00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,500 - Every day. - Mm-hmm. 497 00:24:16,580 --> 00:24:19,710 I don't know how people do this shit. 498 00:24:21,630 --> 00:24:23,090 I know you don't want to be here. 499 00:24:23,170 --> 00:24:26,380 I know you're Mama Heart. I get it. 500 00:24:26,470 --> 00:24:29,890 You know, yet, here you are kind of stuck with us. 501 00:24:29,970 --> 00:24:31,350 You know? 502 00:24:31,430 --> 00:24:34,270 With donkeys and horses and pigs and me. 503 00:24:43,230 --> 00:24:46,490 Oh, my baby, God. 504 00:24:46,570 --> 00:24:49,570 I know, Mama. 505 00:24:51,830 --> 00:24:55,750 We talk about Heaven every day. 506 00:24:55,830 --> 00:24:59,290 I was very skeptical. 507 00:24:59,370 --> 00:25:01,210 I just used to drop Michelle off 508 00:25:01,290 --> 00:25:04,000 and go back to the hotel. 509 00:25:05,710 --> 00:25:09,800 But I could see change in her. 510 00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:14,260 It's simple. 511 00:25:14,350 --> 00:25:18,020 The farm was designed... 512 00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:21,860 by somebody that lost a child. 513 00:25:21,940 --> 00:25:24,780 Period. That's why it works. 514 00:25:26,990 --> 00:25:30,530 My daughter Cheyenne died in 1994. 515 00:25:30,610 --> 00:25:35,240 Nothing can match... 516 00:25:35,330 --> 00:25:39,290 the presence of her absence in terms of meaning. 517 00:25:39,370 --> 00:25:42,960 It's untouchable, but I'm still here, 518 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:44,920 and because I'm still here... 519 00:25:47,210 --> 00:25:49,720 The work gives meaning to my life. 520 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,050 Sorry about your girl. 521 00:25:52,140 --> 00:25:54,680 I'm sorry about your boy. 522 00:25:57,220 --> 00:25:59,100 Look at him. 523 00:26:02,560 --> 00:26:04,480 At least the animals make sense, right? 524 00:26:04,570 --> 00:26:05,570 Yeah, they do. 525 00:26:05,650 --> 00:26:08,820 Not that everything else does. 526 00:26:10,900 --> 00:26:12,820 This is a long road. 527 00:26:12,910 --> 00:26:15,240 It's fully inhabiting grief. 528 00:26:15,330 --> 00:26:17,370 It's staying with the deep feelings that we have 529 00:26:17,450 --> 00:26:21,460 while being supported and held by others. 530 00:26:21,540 --> 00:26:24,170 That's what leads to a transformative experience 531 00:26:24,250 --> 00:26:25,840 in who we are. 532 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,260 We can't endure this kind of suffering by ourselves. 533 00:26:29,340 --> 00:26:32,630 We need others to help support us. 534 00:26:38,970 --> 00:26:40,730 Caring for others, 535 00:26:40,810 --> 00:26:43,520 especially others with whom you identify with 536 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,560 because they experienced the same kinds 537 00:26:45,650 --> 00:26:48,070 of traumas or health problems as you do 538 00:26:48,150 --> 00:26:50,070 is one of the most powerful roots 539 00:26:50,150 --> 00:26:51,990 to healing yourself 540 00:26:52,070 --> 00:26:53,660 and supporting your own recovery. 541 00:26:55,990 --> 00:26:57,830 With adequate thought 542 00:26:57,910 --> 00:26:59,950 in designing the program of care, 543 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:03,210 training, and supervision, anyone in the community 544 00:27:03,290 --> 00:27:05,130 with a calling for mental health care 545 00:27:05,210 --> 00:27:07,670 can become an effective mental health care provider. 546 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:11,590 To me, this offers 547 00:27:11,670 --> 00:27:13,630 the most transformative opportunity 548 00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:15,590 to reimagine mental health care 549 00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:17,220 around the world. 550 00:27:25,020 --> 00:27:27,360 My name is Forget Gutuza. 551 00:27:27,940 --> 00:27:30,150 I have six children. 552 00:27:30,980 --> 00:27:33,820 And I have seven grandchildren. 553 00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:37,200 I am happy about my seven grandchildren. 554 00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:38,370 There are four girls, 555 00:27:38,450 --> 00:27:40,120 and three boys. 556 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,250 The oldest is a girl, 557 00:27:42,330 --> 00:27:43,540 and she is ten years old. 558 00:27:48,340 --> 00:27:50,670 What do you like the most about Granny? 559 00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:52,840 I love that... 560 00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:55,680 a lot of people come here to see Granny. 561 00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,640 They come with their problems to seek help. 562 00:28:00,510 --> 00:28:05,520 I grew up poor, so I wanted to help poor children. 563 00:28:05,890 --> 00:28:10,730 I work on children issues or cases, 564 00:28:10,820 --> 00:28:13,650 so in the community I'm known as "Granny." 565 00:28:13,740 --> 00:28:15,450 Even my grandchildren call me "Granny." 566 00:28:15,530 --> 00:28:17,450 And even my husband calls me "Granny." 567 00:28:22,330 --> 00:28:25,290 I live in a community where life is hard. 568 00:28:25,370 --> 00:28:28,170 There is no electricity at all. 569 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:31,750 We do not have tapped water. 570 00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:38,090 We have received little rain in the past three years, 571 00:28:38,180 --> 00:28:41,930 so our wells do not have water, even the boreholes. 572 00:28:42,010 --> 00:28:44,640 As big as our community is, we only have one borehole 573 00:28:44,730 --> 00:28:47,730 and it's always broken because of being used non-stop. 574 00:28:49,940 --> 00:28:53,030 So people go early in the morning to fetch some water at the springs 575 00:28:53,110 --> 00:28:55,110 even though it's such a distance. 576 00:28:56,030 --> 00:28:59,160 Because women and children are walking at night, 577 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,030 we are afraid that bad things may happen, like abuse. 578 00:29:05,450 --> 00:29:07,620 When I was a young woman, 579 00:29:07,710 --> 00:29:10,830 I would bottle up my problems. 580 00:29:12,460 --> 00:29:17,130 And no one would approach me to ask me what the problem was. 581 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:24,350 I couldn't open up 582 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,680 about what was bothering me. 583 00:29:30,100 --> 00:29:32,270 How are you? 584 00:29:34,110 --> 00:29:41,910 A person needs to be loved and to be understood. 585 00:29:44,700 --> 00:29:46,790 So things are hard for me. 586 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:50,960 Zimbabwe has been affected 587 00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:54,250 by a wide range of social, political, 588 00:29:54,340 --> 00:29:57,210 and economic challenges for decades. 589 00:29:57,300 --> 00:29:59,170 The impact that has had 590 00:29:59,260 --> 00:30:01,840 on the population's mental well-being 591 00:30:01,930 --> 00:30:03,390 is tremendous. 592 00:30:03,470 --> 00:30:06,220 Today, we have a huge treatment gap. 593 00:30:06,310 --> 00:30:07,640 In simple terms, 594 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:09,810 one could say, you know, 595 00:30:09,890 --> 00:30:13,690 90% of those requiring care 596 00:30:13,770 --> 00:30:15,440 or evidence-based care 597 00:30:15,520 --> 00:30:17,480 will not get it in Zimbabwe 598 00:30:17,570 --> 00:30:20,110 because we don't have enough professionals 599 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:22,450 to deliver those kind of services. 600 00:30:24,700 --> 00:30:27,580 I had to take the work that I do to the community 601 00:30:27,660 --> 00:30:30,500 as opposed to expecting people to come to me. 602 00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:36,000 And so these grandmothers 603 00:30:36,090 --> 00:30:38,590 who had previously been involved 604 00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:41,340 in outreach program in the community 605 00:30:41,430 --> 00:30:45,010 were the only people who were available, literally. 606 00:30:47,100 --> 00:30:49,770 The idea of working on a bench 607 00:30:49,850 --> 00:30:52,980 was because we couldn't do this work inside the building 608 00:30:53,060 --> 00:30:56,110 with the resources that we had at the time. 609 00:30:56,190 --> 00:30:57,730 How are you grandchild? 610 00:30:57,820 --> 00:30:59,230 I am fine. How are you? 611 00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:04,950 We welcome you with joy on the Friendship Bench. 612 00:31:05,030 --> 00:31:07,200 Friendship Bench... 613 00:31:08,120 --> 00:31:09,910 ...is a bench for friends. 614 00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:13,710 I don't know, grandchild, are you ready to tell me your problem 615 00:31:13,790 --> 00:31:16,000 which brought you to the Friendship Bench? 616 00:31:16,750 --> 00:31:18,340 Life is tough, grandmother. 617 00:31:18,420 --> 00:31:19,840 It's true. 618 00:31:20,670 --> 00:31:23,760 In these homes, it's tough. 619 00:31:23,840 --> 00:31:28,720 So it's building good relations with the people surrounding you 620 00:31:28,810 --> 00:31:31,060 and those with problems. 621 00:31:31,140 --> 00:31:33,850 Because if I am your friend, you can tell me what is wrong; 622 00:31:33,940 --> 00:31:36,610 but if I am not your friend, you cannot open up. 623 00:31:36,690 --> 00:31:42,110 In 2013, when I fell pregnant with my third child, 624 00:31:42,190 --> 00:31:45,780 after giving birth, I thought issues would be solved. 625 00:31:46,660 --> 00:31:50,160 But things got worse. 626 00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:52,750 And he started beating me. 627 00:31:52,830 --> 00:31:55,580 I was being beaten, grandma. 628 00:31:55,670 --> 00:31:58,090 It was difficult, grandma. 629 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,380 Have you told anyone about this? 630 00:32:00,460 --> 00:32:03,220 Like your relative or your husband's relative, 631 00:32:03,300 --> 00:32:06,010 in relation to the problem that your marriage encountered? 632 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:08,300 Ahh... 633 00:32:08,390 --> 00:32:12,020 Let me try my aunt, she is a mature person. 634 00:32:12,100 --> 00:32:14,270 Maybe she will keep my story a secret. 635 00:32:14,350 --> 00:32:16,020 I will not delay, grandma. 636 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,230 Any time. My work has no specific time. I work 24 hours 637 00:32:19,310 --> 00:32:22,030 because, whenever a client comes, my job starts. 638 00:32:22,110 --> 00:32:25,240 If I tell them it's late, they might be thinking of committing suicide. 639 00:32:26,410 --> 00:32:27,950 Okay, grandchild. 640 00:32:28,030 --> 00:32:31,030 Did you share this problem with anyone? 641 00:32:31,120 --> 00:32:33,250 No, granny. 642 00:32:33,330 --> 00:32:37,120 What happens is that, once you share your story with family and friends, 643 00:32:37,210 --> 00:32:42,590 they spread it to everyone. 644 00:32:42,670 --> 00:32:45,800 That's why I've come here. 645 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:50,260 You're the one who can help me. 646 00:32:50,350 --> 00:32:56,270 You can teach another person, but the more you talk about it, 647 00:32:56,350 --> 00:32:59,100 the more you understand it as well. 648 00:32:59,190 --> 00:33:03,570 What you're going through, seeing and hearing things that others cannot, 649 00:33:03,650 --> 00:33:06,110 means you need to get checked by specialists and doctors, 650 00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:08,360 who will be able to assess and assist you. 651 00:33:08,450 --> 00:33:09,450 Yes. 652 00:33:09,530 --> 00:33:11,030 Maybe there's something happening in your brain. 653 00:33:11,910 --> 00:33:13,870 Working with Friendship Bench 654 00:33:13,950 --> 00:33:17,960 has greatly helped me understand 655 00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:22,920 how anxiety can cause mental illness. 656 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,510 Knock, knock! 657 00:33:25,550 --> 00:33:26,670 How are you? 658 00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:28,720 I am well, mother. How are you? 659 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,510 As a young woman I almost developed... 660 00:33:31,600 --> 00:33:33,680 a mental problem. 661 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:36,480 Time and again I would be carried away in an ambulance 662 00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,060 because of high blood pressure. 663 00:33:39,140 --> 00:33:44,360 I was the type of a person who couldn't speak out when something was wrong. 664 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:48,820 I would cry at night and wake up crying. 665 00:33:48,900 --> 00:33:53,240 While I was crying and in pain, another problem would come and another. 666 00:33:55,950 --> 00:34:02,080 Right, grandchild, you once told me about how your sickness started 667 00:34:02,880 --> 00:34:06,130 and what happened soon after you were diagnosed. Can you explain to me again? 668 00:34:06,630 --> 00:34:08,510 I was afraid to tell my relatives about this. 669 00:34:08,590 --> 00:34:11,930 Even my own sons. I was afraid to tell them, thinking if I told them, 670 00:34:12,010 --> 00:34:15,640 these grandchildren I stay with, who was I going to stay with? 671 00:34:16,010 --> 00:34:17,600 Would I be alone in this house? 672 00:34:17,680 --> 00:34:19,730 Would I be a person that people would want to live with? 673 00:34:19,810 --> 00:34:21,230 Grandma, I was hurt to the core. 674 00:34:21,310 --> 00:34:23,860 I felt that this was truly what it means to feel pain. 675 00:34:23,940 --> 00:34:28,110 I got to a stage where I thought, what will people think about me? 676 00:34:28,190 --> 00:34:31,910 If I am to do this in this community, what will people say about me? 677 00:34:31,990 --> 00:34:33,990 What will people say about me 678 00:34:34,070 --> 00:34:36,950 considering that our name is well known in the community? 679 00:34:37,030 --> 00:34:41,960 I was scared to even walk around, grandma. 680 00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:46,960 Then I decided to just stay alone in the house living a private life. 681 00:34:47,050 --> 00:34:51,630 I was just staying alone, hurt that I had no one to love me in my life; 682 00:34:51,720 --> 00:34:53,180 I will just stay alone. 683 00:34:53,260 --> 00:34:56,550 Okay, grandchild, it's okay. 684 00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:01,980 The Friendship Bench taught me to let it go. 685 00:35:02,060 --> 00:35:03,650 Now I know that, once you have a problem, 686 00:35:03,730 --> 00:35:06,020 find someone to share with and get help. 687 00:35:06,110 --> 00:35:11,360 Friendship Bench really helped me to improve my health. 688 00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:15,370 Hello. 689 00:35:15,450 --> 00:35:16,390 Didn't you go to work today? 690 00:35:16,410 --> 00:35:18,240 No, I didn't. 691 00:35:19,910 --> 00:35:24,460 When you help other people, it also helps you physically and mentally. 692 00:35:24,540 --> 00:35:27,840 When I help you, I'm also improving my health! 693 00:35:27,920 --> 00:35:31,220 The more we talk about it, the more we heal. 694 00:35:32,130 --> 00:35:35,430 Love is what they need the most, because if a person is shown love 695 00:35:35,510 --> 00:35:38,850 and is talked to and really gets listened to... 696 00:35:38,930 --> 00:35:41,850 If they see or notice that there is someone to listen to my story, 697 00:35:41,930 --> 00:35:43,940 they can be helped and get better, 698 00:35:44,020 --> 00:35:47,440 because they will be thinking, "So somebody loves me?" 699 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,940 Granny! Granny! Granny! 700 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:00,540 Enabling societies or communities 701 00:36:00,620 --> 00:36:03,370 to use their own resources to solve their own problems 702 00:36:03,460 --> 00:36:06,460 is the most empowering thing you could ever do. 703 00:36:06,540 --> 00:36:10,170 Rather than assume that communities are passive, 704 00:36:10,250 --> 00:36:13,920 waiting for an expert to come in and solve their problems, 705 00:36:14,010 --> 00:36:17,340 there could be nothing more inspirational and sustainable 706 00:36:17,430 --> 00:36:20,260 than building capacity in the community itself 707 00:36:20,350 --> 00:36:23,180 to address their own problems. 708 00:36:23,270 --> 00:36:27,770 And one of the key innovations over the last 15 years or so 709 00:36:27,860 --> 00:36:30,820 is the deployment of ordinary people in the community 710 00:36:30,900 --> 00:36:33,820 without any other prior mental health training 711 00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:36,110 to deliver mental health care. 712 00:36:39,910 --> 00:36:42,080 I've kind of been just trying to round the troops up 713 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,830 and make sure everybody's good. 714 00:36:43,910 --> 00:36:45,750 It's just everybody say, "Hey, what's up? 715 00:36:45,830 --> 00:36:47,330 All right, this is what I'm doing," 716 00:36:47,420 --> 00:36:49,750 or "Hey, what's up? Hope you guys are good." 717 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:50,840 "Okay, all right, we'll talk to you guys 718 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:52,130 in a couple weeks." 719 00:36:52,210 --> 00:36:54,260 If I hear from someone that I haven't heard from 720 00:36:54,340 --> 00:36:56,220 in a long time, they need to talk, 721 00:36:56,300 --> 00:37:00,970 and they know that I am willing to listen, 722 00:37:01,050 --> 00:37:03,020 and I have resources to help them 723 00:37:03,100 --> 00:37:04,310 if they're willing to do that, 724 00:37:04,390 --> 00:37:06,140 and they know that I'll be honest with them. 725 00:37:06,230 --> 00:37:08,560 It's just making me think, like, more and more now, 726 00:37:08,650 --> 00:37:12,400 like, what can I do every day to help...to help people? 727 00:37:12,480 --> 00:37:17,070 In my head, I just have my mum's voice, 728 00:37:17,150 --> 00:37:20,530 and all she's saying to me is, "Keep going." 729 00:37:20,620 --> 00:37:23,330 Hold me close 730 00:37:26,330 --> 00:37:27,540 What did you say? "Hold me close"? 731 00:37:27,620 --> 00:37:29,210 Hold me close 732 00:37:32,090 --> 00:37:36,510 I do put all my hours into work 733 00:37:36,590 --> 00:37:39,300 mainly because... 734 00:37:39,380 --> 00:37:41,550 I don't know how to do life. 735 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,350 Hold me close 736 00:37:45,430 --> 00:37:48,640 Tell me what's been going on 737 00:37:49,850 --> 00:37:52,150 'Cause I've been absent from you 738 00:37:54,020 --> 00:37:55,320 My life's been full of so much 739 00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:57,280 heartbreak and heartache. 740 00:37:57,360 --> 00:38:00,280 That life I see 741 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,910 is not the life that I want, and the life that I want 742 00:38:03,990 --> 00:38:06,660 is a life I have to go and create, 743 00:38:06,750 --> 00:38:09,750 and by working so much, 744 00:38:09,830 --> 00:38:11,750 I've managed to create 745 00:38:11,830 --> 00:38:15,210 family-style environments. 746 00:38:15,300 --> 00:38:17,760 Even if they're for a couple hours, 747 00:38:17,840 --> 00:38:19,170 that really helped me. 748 00:38:19,260 --> 00:38:20,840 It just needs to be, like, basic. 749 00:38:20,930 --> 00:38:21,970 - Real. - Relatable. 750 00:38:22,050 --> 00:38:23,040 - Real words. - It needs to be real. 751 00:38:23,050 --> 00:38:24,890 It needs to be vulnerable. 752 00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:26,390 This morning, I woke up 753 00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:28,890 and I was very, very, very sad. 754 00:38:28,980 --> 00:38:31,730 My mum always taught me to give, give, give, give, 755 00:38:31,810 --> 00:38:35,860 and approaching her three years anniversary, 756 00:38:35,940 --> 00:38:39,360 I'm living now, there's no home atmosphere, 757 00:38:39,440 --> 00:38:41,820 and I feel like... 758 00:38:41,910 --> 00:38:45,530 I wanted to make a song that made me feel like home. 759 00:38:45,620 --> 00:38:46,620 Go on, bruv. 760 00:38:48,410 --> 00:38:50,080 What if I say something like this? 761 00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:54,040 I call my older sister. 762 00:38:54,130 --> 00:38:56,800 I say, "I think my mum forgot me." 763 00:38:56,880 --> 00:38:59,130 It's been a couple years. 764 00:38:59,210 --> 00:39:00,920 Why on Earth haven't you come and got me? 765 00:39:01,010 --> 00:39:02,050 Ooh. 766 00:39:02,130 --> 00:39:03,550 There's things in my way. 767 00:39:03,640 --> 00:39:06,140 A couple things are trying to stop me. 768 00:39:06,220 --> 00:39:08,180 And, Mum, I know you hated wrestling, 769 00:39:08,270 --> 00:39:09,640 but the Rock has really got me. 770 00:39:09,730 --> 00:39:11,940 And Dad's always saying that it's nice where you are 771 00:39:12,020 --> 00:39:14,190 But I need you back 'cause heaven's just too far 772 00:39:14,270 --> 00:39:15,310 I'm scheming up there too 773 00:39:15,400 --> 00:39:16,570 There's lots of packages for you 774 00:39:16,650 --> 00:39:17,730 I wrapped them up in threads 775 00:39:17,820 --> 00:39:18,860 Of all that's happened in there too 776 00:39:18,940 --> 00:39:20,070 You see, the moment that you left us 777 00:39:20,150 --> 00:39:21,570 A part of me got killed 778 00:39:21,650 --> 00:39:23,360 I'm shouting, and I'm angry, I'm not taking up the guilt 779 00:39:23,450 --> 00:39:24,530 Why the hell you leave your family? 780 00:39:24,620 --> 00:39:25,700 Someone told me this, they feel 781 00:39:25,780 --> 00:39:26,830 And they're saying I'm not manly 782 00:39:26,910 --> 00:39:28,200 Cause I'm saying, oh 783 00:39:28,290 --> 00:39:30,450 Hold me close 784 00:39:30,540 --> 00:39:31,580 Hey! 785 00:39:31,660 --> 00:39:36,250 I'll tell you what's been going on 786 00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:38,460 I don't wanna hide it 787 00:39:38,550 --> 00:39:40,590 Nothing sad about it 788 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,510 This week, I set up a foundation 789 00:39:45,590 --> 00:39:48,140 in the name of my mum to educate young people 790 00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:50,140 from the area that I come from. 791 00:39:50,220 --> 00:39:51,480 And it's a week-long course 792 00:39:51,560 --> 00:39:53,440 with some of my nearest and dearest friends 793 00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:55,100 that I've met in the industry. 794 00:39:55,190 --> 00:39:57,560 Two meters apart, hand sanitizer, 795 00:39:57,650 --> 00:40:01,240 masks, COVID tested, everything 796 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:04,400 for them to have this experience. 797 00:40:04,490 --> 00:40:07,030 People aren't equipped with the tools 798 00:40:07,120 --> 00:40:09,240 as to say what it is they're feeling. 799 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:12,500 We need to come together, 800 00:40:12,580 --> 00:40:14,290 and I think right now in society, 801 00:40:14,370 --> 00:40:17,080 more and more people are beginning to realize that, 802 00:40:17,170 --> 00:40:18,250 and they're coming together 803 00:40:18,340 --> 00:40:20,000 because we can learn from each other. 804 00:40:20,090 --> 00:40:23,010 The creative arts and performing arts, 805 00:40:23,090 --> 00:40:25,760 I think it's a dying... it's a dying breed, 806 00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:29,430 and we have to reinforce these things back into society 807 00:40:29,510 --> 00:40:31,220 to help us with self-expression, 808 00:40:31,310 --> 00:40:32,770 with self-therapy, 809 00:40:32,850 --> 00:40:35,520 and if you do that, and you're real, 810 00:40:35,600 --> 00:40:36,980 and you're vulnerable, and you're honest, 811 00:40:37,060 --> 00:40:39,230 and you're raw, and you're passionate, 812 00:40:39,310 --> 00:40:40,520 you're successful 813 00:40:40,610 --> 00:40:42,570 in unlocking the key to the heart. 814 00:40:42,650 --> 00:40:44,150 They say I should call myself a queen, 815 00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:45,450 but I can't find my crown. 816 00:40:45,530 --> 00:40:47,070 These towns seem to suck colors to me 817 00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:48,370 like an emotional Hoover. 818 00:40:48,450 --> 00:40:50,280 Changing gears constantly in order to survive. 819 00:40:50,370 --> 00:40:51,740 You gotta maneuver. 820 00:40:51,830 --> 00:40:54,250 Relationship so toxic the fumes almost finish me off. 821 00:40:54,330 --> 00:40:56,000 You can let yourself die from a broken heart 822 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:57,460 or try and glue back the pieces, 823 00:40:57,540 --> 00:41:00,340 but the black dog consumes me whether I like it or not. 824 00:41:00,420 --> 00:41:01,840 Searching for ventilation. 825 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:02,920 Found some inner peace, 826 00:41:03,010 --> 00:41:04,550 and the space I'm in is amazing. 827 00:41:04,630 --> 00:41:05,800 There's beauty in the struggle. 828 00:41:05,880 --> 00:41:07,340 My fire just keeps on blazing. 829 00:41:07,430 --> 00:41:10,470 Since I unleashed the dragon, I can't help but keep chasing. 830 00:41:10,550 --> 00:41:13,350 I've been mentally stressing about why, why, why. 831 00:41:13,430 --> 00:41:14,930 You know, my mind, it moves at light speed 832 00:41:15,020 --> 00:41:16,000 and has no end. 833 00:41:16,020 --> 00:41:20,980 My image of love and loyalty 834 00:41:21,060 --> 00:41:22,520 are now skewed. 835 00:41:22,610 --> 00:41:26,860 It's nighttime again, cut up searching for peace. 836 00:41:26,950 --> 00:41:30,200 Inhale pristine white to blackout 837 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,530 in the bliss of the in-between. 838 00:41:32,620 --> 00:41:35,870 Live a life wide awake that we won't remember 839 00:41:35,950 --> 00:41:37,540 when we wake up. 840 00:41:45,010 --> 00:41:47,510 I feel chained to the system, but sinner walking fine. 841 00:41:47,590 --> 00:41:49,090 I'm trying to wash away my sins, 842 00:41:49,180 --> 00:41:50,510 but they keep brainwashing my mind. 843 00:41:50,590 --> 00:41:51,640 Who am I? 844 00:41:51,720 --> 00:41:53,720 I can't identify the man I portray. 845 00:41:53,810 --> 00:41:54,790 Yeah, I'm lost. 846 00:41:54,810 --> 00:41:56,180 Somebody please show me the way. 847 00:41:56,270 --> 00:42:00,850 My little sister asked me why I have scars on my arm. 848 00:42:00,940 --> 00:42:04,360 You see, she knows that Black girls don't self-harm, 849 00:42:04,440 --> 00:42:08,110 so I hold her beautiful mixed-race skin. 850 00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:10,990 I whisper that self-mutilation is not a sin, 851 00:42:11,070 --> 00:42:13,200 and I create a story. 852 00:42:13,280 --> 00:42:14,740 I'm sinking. 853 00:42:14,830 --> 00:42:16,790 My arms outstretched for help, but there's nobody around. 854 00:42:16,870 --> 00:42:17,960 I'm gonna drown. 855 00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:19,290 When a tree falls in an empty forest, 856 00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:21,080 does it even make a sound? 857 00:42:21,170 --> 00:42:22,170 Mm. 858 00:42:22,250 --> 00:42:23,540 I'm sinking. 859 00:42:23,630 --> 00:42:25,800 Suffocated by my own thoughts, and I can't find air. 860 00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:27,010 There's nobody there. 861 00:42:27,090 --> 00:42:28,080 If I talk to someone, will they listen? 862 00:42:28,090 --> 00:42:29,930 Will they even care? 863 00:42:30,010 --> 00:42:31,510 I'm sinking. 864 00:42:37,930 --> 00:42:41,520 Now you lot have been given, like, a jetpack. 865 00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:43,230 Do you know what I'm saying? A jetpack. 866 00:42:43,310 --> 00:42:45,770 When you leave here, press that, 867 00:42:45,860 --> 00:42:48,360 and you've built a community amongst yourselves. 868 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,990 Lean on that. Hold that. 869 00:42:50,070 --> 00:42:52,160 Cherish it. Nurture it. 870 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:54,830 I have a job now, and my mission 871 00:42:54,910 --> 00:42:58,410 is to inspire young people who are as hairy as I am, 872 00:42:58,500 --> 00:43:00,960 who have insecurities as much as I do, 873 00:43:01,040 --> 00:43:03,080 complex identity, cultural clashes, 874 00:43:03,170 --> 00:43:06,170 and all these things and be their voice. 875 00:43:12,380 --> 00:43:13,590 I don't think we can have 876 00:43:13,680 --> 00:43:17,060 a truly meaningful life without giving back 877 00:43:17,140 --> 00:43:21,690 in some meaningful way to others. 878 00:43:21,770 --> 00:43:25,190 I mean, imagine if everybody just had that attitude. 879 00:43:25,270 --> 00:43:27,440 Like, I'm gonna do my best today 880 00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:31,240 to help whoever is in my path who I can help. 881 00:43:33,200 --> 00:43:34,530 And if they do that, 882 00:43:34,620 --> 00:43:36,700 then we would be a hell of a lot better off 883 00:43:36,780 --> 00:43:39,080 as a species, as a planet. 884 00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:43,710 No matter how big your problem is, 885 00:43:43,790 --> 00:43:48,210 if you look for someone to share with, you might be able to get a solution. 886 00:43:50,590 --> 00:43:57,970 A problem doesn't kill, but gives you an opportunity to seek help. 887 00:43:59,850 --> 00:44:02,310 So, "There is life after floods." 888 00:44:03,770 --> 00:44:07,770 I've got some baked sweet potatoes and some squash 889 00:44:07,860 --> 00:44:09,900 and a split pea soup. 890 00:44:11,650 --> 00:44:14,530 Yeah, when I have a normal moment... 891 00:44:14,610 --> 00:44:16,570 I'm quite proud of myself. 892 00:44:16,660 --> 00:44:18,240 Right? Me too, me too! 893 00:44:18,330 --> 00:44:20,870 - I totally get that. - I'm like, "I shopped today." 894 00:44:20,950 --> 00:44:22,870 You know, and I didn't have a meltdown 895 00:44:22,960 --> 00:44:25,080 or have to leave the grocery cart. 896 00:44:27,290 --> 00:44:30,380 Just sitting down and listening to somebody, 897 00:44:30,460 --> 00:44:32,050 yeah, there's joy in that. 898 00:44:32,130 --> 00:44:33,970 That's where the healing comes from, 899 00:44:34,050 --> 00:44:35,760 and it comes from helping somebody else. 900 00:44:38,350 --> 00:44:41,560 Being able to access emotional resources, 901 00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:45,350 being available for one another when people are in distress, 902 00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:47,020 when they're coping with difficult times, 903 00:44:47,100 --> 00:44:51,320 and perhaps even more simply, not creating the sorts 904 00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:55,070 of difficult, stressful situations for other people, 905 00:44:55,150 --> 00:44:57,870 and I think having that kind of supporting scaffolding 906 00:44:57,950 --> 00:45:00,740 is a kind of emotional resilience 907 00:45:00,830 --> 00:45:03,290 that I believe each human being can play. 908 00:45:03,370 --> 00:45:05,120 It's up to us. 909 00:45:05,210 --> 00:45:06,920 When I've done my public speaking 910 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:11,800 and I've seen the recruits or other people 911 00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:13,420 that I'm speaking and it, like... 912 00:45:13,510 --> 00:45:15,380 something I say just clicks. 913 00:45:15,470 --> 00:45:17,890 I'm really proud of myself for being able to... 914 00:45:17,970 --> 00:45:19,180 to do this for myself 915 00:45:19,260 --> 00:45:21,220 and to do this for my mental health 916 00:45:21,310 --> 00:45:24,310 and to be able to hopefully share this resource 917 00:45:24,390 --> 00:45:25,890 with a lot of other people. 918 00:45:25,980 --> 00:45:27,640 There needs to be this... 919 00:45:27,730 --> 00:45:30,480 sort of this acknowledgement, but also this uplift of, 920 00:45:30,560 --> 00:45:33,530 we are actually 100% in this together, 921 00:45:33,610 --> 00:45:36,650 and if we weren't before COVID, we 100% are now.