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00:00:04,790 --> 00:00:07,700
[classical music]
2
00:00:07,790 --> 00:00:11,660
[choir singing in Latin]
3
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♪ ♪
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00:00:40,660 --> 00:00:42,540
- Get a warrant.
- You know I don't need one.
5
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I saw you refilled your pond;
that puts you
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way over
your monthly allowance.
7
00:00:45,870 --> 00:00:47,410
- So sue me.
- We have!
8
00:00:47,500 --> 00:00:50,160
You owe $150,000
in fines this year alone.
9
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,450
- Which I have paid!
10
00:00:51,540 --> 00:00:53,250
I don't need
this constant harassment!
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00:00:53,330 --> 00:00:55,790
Wayne Newton's
got seven fountains!
12
00:00:55,870 --> 00:00:58,620
- Could you remind Ms. Vance
that, legally,
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00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:00,830
she cannot stop me
from checking her water meter?
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- And could you please
remind this "water cop"
15
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that I have more pressing
issues to attend to,
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like an unnecessarily
long shower?
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- [sighs]
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- If you come around the side,
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I'll unlock the gate
from the back.
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- Thank you.
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- Hot, hot!
- Thank you.
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- Accidentally touched the lip.
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- Okay.
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Think that's a hair, okay.
- [chuckles]
25
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- Kayla?
- Mm-hmm?
26
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- What is in this coffee?
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00:01:35,910 --> 00:01:37,330
- Half-and-half and sugar.
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Well, Splenda.
- Okay.
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- A couple of Splendas.
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- That's not sugar.
It's all chemicals.
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- Yeah.
- And I take natural sugar.
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- Yeah, brain...
- All right--
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- F-A-R-T.
[laughs]
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[phone ringing]
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Is your phone ringing
or something?
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00:01:50,330 --> 00:01:53,160
- [sarcastically] I don't know.
Let's find out.
37
00:01:53,250 --> 00:01:55,540
Jimmy Lusaque, Junior's office.
Jimmy speaking.
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- Hey, buddy, how's it going?
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Did you get that dog
I sent you?
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- Yeah, I don't need
another dog.
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I have one and he hates me.
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00:02:01,910 --> 00:02:03,450
What's going on with you?
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00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:05,000
Why do you keep sending me
Petfinder links?
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00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,500
- Well,
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00:02:06,580 --> 00:02:08,830
I'm pretty lonely, my man.
- Mm, that's sad.
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How's it going archiving
for Deborah?
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- So painful.
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The coolest thing
she's ever done
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is cohost
New Year's Rockin' Eve in 2000.
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2001 wasn't as good,
but I don't know.
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00:02:19,500 --> 00:02:21,330
Maybe that's just 'cause I knew
9/11 was coming.
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- Come on, Deborah's done
plenty of cool stuff.
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I mean, she started
the gay cruise trend.
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You love LGBTQAI+ stuff.
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- [laughs]
- Speaking of which,
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how's Ruby?
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00:02:30,370 --> 00:02:32,200
- Well, we broke up
three months ago.
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So I think you'll
have to ask her.
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00:02:33,830 --> 00:02:35,200
- I'm sorry.
Hey, look,
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if you're just
calling to shoot the shit,
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love you, bless you,
but I'll call you back.
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- All righty, ciao.
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- Okay, ciao for now.
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- Here you go, prince.
- Hey, thank you so much.
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- Yum!
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- Kay.
Not "yum," weird and bizarre.
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What is in this one?
- Honey!
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You said natural.
It comes from bears.
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- Oof, Kayla...
- Knock, knock.
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- Michael!
Hi!
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- Daddy!
Daddy's at work!
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- So how's my baby girl doing?
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- She's unbelievable.
Really special, special.
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00:03:04,790 --> 00:03:08,290
- You know, she specifically
requested to be on your desk.
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- She did?
- Yeah.
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00:03:09,830 --> 00:03:11,870
You almost got stuck
with some Harvard nerd,
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always bragging
about his Fulbright.
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- God, that would have
been so annoying!
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[all laughing]
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- Let's go do lunch!
- Absolutely, sugar plum.
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Hold down the fort,
Jimmy Junior.
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- You got it, Michael.
- "Hold down the fort,
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Jimmy Junior!"
- Okay.
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Could you bring back lunch
for me, please?
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[sighs]
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[soft music]
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♪ ♪
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- Huh.
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Hello?
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Oh, shit.
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- Mm, donate.
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00:04:01,750 --> 00:04:03,700
Oh, do you like these?
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- Hmm, not my style.
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I like a pant with a stirrup.
95
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- Okay.
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- Mom!
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[laughs]
I mean, come on!
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This is--this sucks!
- No, no.
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It's chic.
It's very elegant.
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It's very Gina Lollobrigida.
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- Who? No.
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This is--I look
like an asshole.
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00:04:22,580 --> 00:04:25,290
Just give it to stupid Marcus,
or donate it.
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00:04:25,370 --> 00:04:26,950
- Some things are too nice
to donate.
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- Well, not this.
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Okay, look, I'll take
your heirlooms
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if you promise to wear
one of my chokers
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on stage, and a big one.
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00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:36,830
- Now, the dress is working,
you know?
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What's not working
is your eyebrows.
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00:04:38,750 --> 00:04:40,250
- What?
Mom!
112
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- I keep telling you,
you've got to extend them
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a bit with a pencil.
- Oh, my God.
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- Right there,
they just kind of peter out.
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Pencil, a little pencil.
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- I've been using the serum.
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It just takes time.
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Josefina, can you, please?
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- I'm just here for a blazer.
- I told you
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you were gonna regret
over-tweezing in the '90s.
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- The only thing I regret
from the '90s
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00:04:56,750 --> 00:04:58,580
is not getting
frickin' emancipated.
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- You know, DJ, I have had
a morning with the water cop,
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so don't start with me.
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00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:05,200
- I'm sorry you mismanaged
your pond!
126
00:05:05,290 --> 00:05:07,910
- I don't mismanage my pond.
I pay people to manage my pond.
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- Then you mismanaged the
people who manage your pond.
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- What are you doing?
129
00:05:11,830 --> 00:05:13,870
Yes, you.
I can see you in the mirror.
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- Oh, um...
[chuckles]
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Sorry, special delivery.
Just--this came for--
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I--I can just leave it
by the door.
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- Who's it from?
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00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,950
- I--I think it's
from your sister?
135
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:28,290
- Oh, shit.
136
00:05:30,450 --> 00:05:32,080
- Throw it out.
137
00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,910
And don't come
back up here again.
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00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,910
- Okay, sorry.
139
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,580
- Hey.
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00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:46,000
If it would make
you feel better,
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I'd be happy to take your
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diamond tennis bracelet.
143
00:05:51,410 --> 00:05:53,290
- I told you, you'll get that
when I'm dead.
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00:05:53,370 --> 00:05:55,080
- Okay.
145
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:58,700
- I will be reaching out
when I know the penalty,
146
00:05:58,790 --> 00:06:00,040
and I'll be back
in, like, a month.
147
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,120
- I'll be here.
- Good to know.
148
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:04,370
Have a good day.
- You too.
149
00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:08,160
- Who was that?
150
00:06:08,250 --> 00:06:10,620
- It's just Wilson.
He's such a pain in our ass.
151
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:12,950
- [laughs]
"Our ass"?
152
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,580
You and Deborah share an ass?
153
00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:16,200
- Is there something
I can help you with?
154
00:06:16,290 --> 00:06:18,250
- Oh, yeah.
She told me to throw this away,
155
00:06:18,330 --> 00:06:20,160
but should I?
It's from her sister.
156
00:06:20,250 --> 00:06:21,790
- Wait, what?
157
00:06:22,870 --> 00:06:24,000
You brought this to her?
158
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,040
- Yeah, she was so nice
about it.
159
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:27,660
Sweet woman.
160
00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:29,790
- Kathy's never sent
anything before.
161
00:06:29,870 --> 00:06:31,450
- I can't believe
she's not curious.
162
00:06:31,540 --> 00:06:33,080
- Well, her husband left her
for her own sister,
163
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,500
and then Deborah
burned down his house,
164
00:06:34,580 --> 00:06:36,080
so let's call it a sore spot.
165
00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:38,290
- Yeah, but she makes jokes
about it constantly,
166
00:06:38,370 --> 00:06:40,120
plus that was, like,
100 years ago.
167
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,290
- Well, I guess you've got it
all figured out.
168
00:06:42,370 --> 00:06:44,500
- You--you're not
gonna open it?
169
00:06:44,580 --> 00:06:46,000
- No.
- What if there's
170
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,620
a gift card in there?
- She said throw it away.
171
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:51,120
And I believe you have
some archiving to do.
172
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,790
And I'd like it done soon.
We're putting together
173
00:06:52,870 --> 00:06:54,700
a "Best of Deborah" DVD
for the anniversary show.
174
00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:56,000
- Yeah, I'll get right on that.
175
00:06:56,080 --> 00:06:59,160
A lot of money
in DVDs right now.
176
00:06:59,250 --> 00:07:00,830
Sorry, I just don't love
177
00:07:00,910 --> 00:07:02,830
running tech
in the basement all day.
178
00:07:02,910 --> 00:07:04,450
- Well, we do have a gig later,
so I'm sure
179
00:07:04,540 --> 00:07:07,330
you'll get to display
your genius there.
180
00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:10,450
- Great, I'll be by
the water heater
181
00:07:10,540 --> 00:07:12,540
if you need me.
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00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:22,870
[upbeat music]
183
00:07:22,950 --> 00:07:29,000
♪ ♪
184
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:30,870
- I love being in London.
185
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,330
But everything
is so different here.
186
00:07:33,410 --> 00:07:34,950
You know, in America,
if I wanna drive
187
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:36,450
on the wrong side of the road,
188
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,700
I gotta get in the car
with Billy Joel.
189
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:40,910
♪ ♪
190
00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:45,040
No, really, I don't love
cooking, but I do hate it.
191
00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,370
Last night, I tried
to make collard greens.
192
00:07:47,450 --> 00:07:49,700
This morning, I woke up
to a cease and desist
193
00:07:49,790 --> 00:07:51,500
from the NAACP.
194
00:07:51,580 --> 00:07:53,790
[cheers, laughter]
195
00:07:53,870 --> 00:07:55,830
- Damn!
196
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:58,410
♪ ♪
197
00:07:58,500 --> 00:08:00,080
- Now, her career
is going up in flames
198
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:02,830
faster than my ex-husband's
garage.
199
00:08:02,910 --> 00:08:04,540
Duraflame.
200
00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:07,910
Starts faster, burns longer.
201
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,790
Take it from me,
someone who really knows
202
00:08:10,870 --> 00:08:12,540
how to set the night on fire.
203
00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:15,370
Now, the pilgrims
had the right idea.
204
00:08:15,450 --> 00:08:17,080
Oh, oh, get over it.
Oh, yeah,
205
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,450
like you wouldn't grab
Patrick Swayze's ass.
206
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:22,080
Well, Jimmy Crack Corn
and I do care.
207
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,450
♪ ♪
208
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,950
[mid-tempo music]
209
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:06,160
♪ ♪
210
00:09:21,910 --> 00:09:23,450
[phone camera clicks]
211
00:09:25,370 --> 00:09:26,910
[phone camera clicks]
212
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:30,950
[phone camera clicks]
213
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:33,830
- [clears throat]
- Oh, fuck, no!
214
00:09:44,870 --> 00:09:46,290
- [chuckles]
215
00:09:46,370 --> 00:09:48,450
- Okay, I think what we have
here is a pretty classic
216
00:09:48,540 --> 00:09:51,000
generational
misunderstanding, you know?
217
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:54,790
It's very normal for people
my age to send nudes.
218
00:09:54,870 --> 00:09:59,080
It's--it's about having agency
over our sexuality.
219
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,750
- Oh, I'm not judging you.
220
00:10:00,830 --> 00:10:03,120
I mean, I just don't think
you need to send a boy a nude
221
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,160
just because he asked you to.
- Okay, well,
222
00:10:05,250 --> 00:10:07,040
for your information,
it was a girl,
223
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,500
and she didn't ask me to.
224
00:10:08,580 --> 00:10:10,580
- Oh, no.
225
00:10:10,660 --> 00:10:12,540
Just do it
when you're off the clock.
226
00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:14,160
Would you do that
if you worked in a bank?
227
00:10:14,250 --> 00:10:16,660
- It depends, am I
the president of this bank?
228
00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:18,620
'Cause then I'm probably
a white-collar criminal.
229
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:20,450
I'm doing way worse
than sending nudes.
230
00:10:20,540 --> 00:10:21,620
- No!
231
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:24,700
You read more like
a junior teller.
232
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:28,330
- [chuckles]
- Just don't do it on my time
233
00:10:28,410 --> 00:10:30,450
or in my chair.
234
00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:33,500
It's an antique.
235
00:10:33,580 --> 00:10:35,250
- Deal.
236
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,370
- Hey.
Was traffic all right?
237
00:10:38,450 --> 00:10:40,200
- Yeah, not bad.
Are they ready?
238
00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:42,700
- Yeah, Phil from corporate and
the photographers are inside.
239
00:10:42,790 --> 00:10:44,250
Do you want to do touch-ups
in the bathroom?
240
00:10:44,330 --> 00:10:46,040
- Yeah, sure that's fine.
- All right.
241
00:10:47,790 --> 00:10:50,580
- Wait, what?
A pizza place?
242
00:10:50,660 --> 00:10:53,200
What I'm I supposed
to be doing here for you?
243
00:10:53,290 --> 00:10:55,910
- It's a grand opening.
So there's press.
244
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,870
So pitch me some one-liners
and some bits.
245
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:01,660
- Like about pizzas
and calzones?
246
00:11:01,750 --> 00:11:03,540
- They don't have calzones.
247
00:11:04,450 --> 00:11:05,750
- A gig's a gig, honey.
248
00:11:05,830 --> 00:11:07,830
- Hello!
My Little Debbies!
249
00:11:07,910 --> 00:11:09,660
[excited shouting]
250
00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:11,580
- Hey, bitch, you know
where to sign me!
251
00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:12,870
- Hey, how are you?
Oh, honey,
252
00:11:12,950 --> 00:11:15,040
I'm so glad you're better.
253
00:11:15,120 --> 00:11:17,830
- Jesus, I can't believe this
is what she's doing today.
254
00:11:17,910 --> 00:11:19,790
The opening
of a pizza franchise?
255
00:11:19,870 --> 00:11:21,330
Is it seriously worth it?
256
00:11:21,410 --> 00:11:23,700
- It's worth about 100 grand
and some stock.
257
00:11:23,790 --> 00:11:25,330
- 100 grand?
- And some stock.
258
00:11:25,410 --> 00:11:26,830
- Jesus Christ,
that's like my mortgage
259
00:11:26,910 --> 00:11:29,410
for, like, two years.
260
00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:31,330
Or is it four?
261
00:11:32,290 --> 00:11:33,750
- You're a homeowner?
262
00:11:33,830 --> 00:11:36,540
- Yeah, I own
a townhouse in LA.
263
00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:38,830
An amazing city
I am no longer in.
264
00:11:38,910 --> 00:11:40,450
- Are you renting it?
265
00:11:40,540 --> 00:11:43,660
- No, 'cause I don't know
when I'm gonna be back.
266
00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:45,750
- All right, put your address
into Zillow.
267
00:11:45,830 --> 00:11:47,750
This is my curse.
I can't just sit and watch
268
00:11:47,830 --> 00:11:50,450
someone miss an opportunity
like this.
269
00:11:50,540 --> 00:11:52,200
Just glad my grandfather
isn't around to see me help
270
00:11:52,290 --> 00:11:54,160
some white girl
make passive income.
271
00:11:55,620 --> 00:11:57,290
This is cute.
272
00:11:57,370 --> 00:11:58,950
Oh, you paid too much.
273
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,290
- Yeah, I know.
274
00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:02,790
- All right, I'm
gonna help you rent this.
275
00:12:02,870 --> 00:12:03,950
I'll make some calls.
276
00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,080
- Really?
Man, that's--
277
00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:07,410
that's actually really nice.
278
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,750
- Oh, I will be taking
a monthly fee.
279
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,910
- Okay.
280
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,790
Oh, you have service.
I don't.
281
00:12:13,870 --> 00:12:15,120
There's no way I could log in
282
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:16,500
to my Instagram on your phone,
right?
283
00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:18,290
- Absolutely not.
284
00:12:18,370 --> 00:12:20,410
- Okay, thanks.
285
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,410
Damien?
- Mm, sorry.
286
00:12:22,500 --> 00:12:24,200
I don't have unlimited data.
287
00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:27,040
- One, two, three!
- Okay.
288
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,410
[applause]
289
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,500
- Hey, my Little Debbies,
pizza's on me!
290
00:12:32,580 --> 00:12:34,160
[cheering]
291
00:12:34,950 --> 00:12:37,160
- Hey, do you guys have Wi-Fi?
292
00:12:37,250 --> 00:12:40,450
- It's not set up yet, but they
do next door at Gun Universe.
293
00:12:40,540 --> 00:12:43,000
- Great.
Do you know the password?
294
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,750
- "Lock her up."
295
00:12:45,830 --> 00:12:48,410
The signal's stronger outside.
296
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,790
- Hey, stop flirting.
Get over here.
297
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:54,370
Do you have anything for me?
- Yes.
298
00:12:54,450 --> 00:12:57,000
Okay, so I once did
a 25-tweet thread
299
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,950
from the perspective
of my Lexapro,
300
00:12:59,040 --> 00:13:00,830
and it did really well,
so I'm thinking,
301
00:13:00,910 --> 00:13:02,580
what if you do something
from the perspective
302
00:13:02,660 --> 00:13:05,000
of the pizza ingredients?
You know, like,
303
00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:07,870
what if the cheese
and pepperoni have history?
304
00:13:07,950 --> 00:13:09,330
- What?
305
00:13:09,410 --> 00:13:12,700
- Or, I don't know,
toss the dough in the air,
306
00:13:12,790 --> 00:13:15,040
try to get it
to land on your head?
307
00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,200
- Great.
308
00:13:17,290 --> 00:13:18,870
- Okay.
309
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,200
- Whoa, you think these
are big now?
310
00:13:22,290 --> 00:13:24,160
Wait till they rise!
Heh!
311
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,790
- Fuck.
312
00:13:35,330 --> 00:13:37,200
- Man, that smells good!
All right, step right up.
313
00:13:37,290 --> 00:13:38,700
Anybody, don't be shy!
What are you having?
314
00:13:38,790 --> 00:13:40,290
- Pepperoni!
- Hey, so I can have a friend
315
00:13:40,370 --> 00:13:42,370
stage your place,
but he needs a key to get in.
316
00:13:42,450 --> 00:13:44,200
- Oh, you know what?
My ex actually has a key,
317
00:13:44,290 --> 00:13:45,830
but can I use your phone
to call her?
318
00:13:45,910 --> 00:13:47,580
I don't have service.
Like, it's not going through
319
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,160
with my calls, I just--
- All right, fine, fine, fine.
320
00:13:49,250 --> 00:13:50,660
Just make it quick.
- Thank you so much.
321
00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:53,160
I really appreciate it.
- Yeah.
322
00:13:56,950 --> 00:14:00,450
[line ringing]
323
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:02,830
- Hi, it's Ruby.
Leave a message.
324
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,250
- Hey, it's Ava.
325
00:14:04,330 --> 00:14:07,120
So, first of all,
326
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,000
just go ahead and disregard
the picture I sent you.
327
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,870
[laughs]
So just don't even--yeah,
328
00:14:11,950 --> 00:14:14,160
don't even--like
it didn't even happen.
329
00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,910
I'm calling, actually,
because you have a key
330
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:18,830
to my apartment,
and I need it, so if you
331
00:14:18,910 --> 00:14:20,330
could just call me back...
[phone beeping]
332
00:14:20,410 --> 00:14:22,330
That would be--oh,
that's probably you.
333
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,660
Okay, no, it's not.
334
00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:28,250
Oh, you know what?
You're probably not picking up
335
00:14:28,330 --> 00:14:29,750
'cause it's a weird number.
I'm gonna hang up
336
00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:30,910
and text you that it's me.
337
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,250
I'm gonna call you right back.
338
00:14:33,330 --> 00:14:35,500
[sighs]
Okay.
339
00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:40,450
[line rings]
340
00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:43,450
- Who is this?
- Um, Ava.
341
00:14:43,540 --> 00:14:45,750
- Oh, God.
It's Fabriziana.
342
00:14:45,830 --> 00:14:47,160
- Oh, hey, what's going on?
343
00:14:47,250 --> 00:14:48,330
- I'm only picking up
Ruby's phone
344
00:14:48,410 --> 00:14:49,790
because it keeps going off.
345
00:14:49,870 --> 00:14:51,370
You just ruined a take.
- Oh, shit.
346
00:14:51,450 --> 00:14:52,910
My bad.
I'm sorry.
347
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,120
- Is it true you're working
for Deborah Vance?
348
00:14:57,370 --> 00:15:00,910
- Yeah, I mean, it's kind of
research for something
349
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,120
that I'm working--a project.
350
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,080
- So you're writing
for her QVC show?
351
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,790
- No, she's actually
a very successful
352
00:15:08,870 --> 00:15:10,870
comedian
with a historic residency.
353
00:15:10,950 --> 00:15:13,580
- Ava, she needs jokes
on side salads!
354
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,120
- Huh.
355
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:17,910
Well, we're rolling again, so--
356
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,500
- Yeah, us too.
I gotta go.
357
00:15:19,580 --> 00:15:21,870
I'll talk to you later, bye.
358
00:15:23,450 --> 00:15:25,200
[sighs]
359
00:15:25,910 --> 00:15:28,000
- A very happy client.
[chuckles]
360
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,330
- Here, you missed a call
from the water guy.
361
00:15:30,410 --> 00:15:33,000
- Ooh, Deb, what if we get
a photo with you, like,
362
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:34,870
with the pizza
on fire, you know?
363
00:15:34,950 --> 00:15:36,080
[both chuckling]
364
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,910
- That's hilarious!
- Don't do that.
365
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,000
- Excuse me?
- It's degrading.
366
00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:45,120
- Degrading for who?
367
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:46,830
- You?
368
00:15:46,910 --> 00:15:49,500
- Oh, and you're telling me
what's degrading?
369
00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:52,080
- See, I knew were judging me
for that nude.
370
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,830
- Whoa, okay.
371
00:15:53,910 --> 00:15:55,000
You don't have to.
372
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,000
- No, no.
I think it's funny.
373
00:15:57,080 --> 00:15:58,620
- Really?
'Cause I think
374
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:00,040
if you thought it was funny,
you would have opened
375
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,250
that package this morning.
376
00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:05,040
[dishes clanking]
377
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,580
- This is what I do.
378
00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:15,660
If you have a problem with it,
you can just fuck off.
379
00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:16,790
Simone!
380
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:19,870
Now, let's do some soot,
381
00:16:19,950 --> 00:16:22,040
tease the hair up a little bit.
382
00:16:25,790 --> 00:16:29,870
- ♪ I don't understand
the game ♪
383
00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:33,160
♪ Of who I'm meant to be ♪
384
00:16:33,250 --> 00:16:37,410
♪ ♪
385
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:41,200
♪ It's driving me insane ♪
386
00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:43,950
- Is she gonna kill me?
- Well, that wasn't great.
387
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,040
And unfortunately for you,
her afternoon just freed up,
388
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:49,250
and she does not
like idle time.
389
00:16:49,330 --> 00:16:52,330
♪ ♪
390
00:16:52,410 --> 00:16:53,700
So the St. Jude's people
391
00:16:53,790 --> 00:16:56,290
rescheduled today's Skype
for next week.
392
00:16:56,370 --> 00:16:59,120
- Oh, okay.
So then what?
393
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:02,120
- It looks like you have
the rest of the afternoon off.
394
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:09,290
♪ ♪
395
00:17:14,410 --> 00:17:15,750
- Okay, I'm sorry
for what I said.
396
00:17:15,830 --> 00:17:17,370
But I was just in a really--
397
00:17:17,450 --> 00:17:19,450
- Pull over.
- What?
398
00:17:22,660 --> 00:17:24,790
Whoa, whoa.
399
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:27,790
[scoffs]
- Come on!
400
00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:34,950
- That's right, that's
the Luxor light.
401
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,410
It's the strongest light beam
in the world,
402
00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:38,790
could be seen
from over 300 miles away.
403
00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,660
Now, that's bright.
404
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:43,040
All right, listen up, y'all.
This doesn't happen often,
405
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:46,660
but when it does,
it's always a treat.
406
00:17:46,750 --> 00:17:50,040
Ladies and gentlemen,
I'm pleased to present
407
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:55,080
the Queen of Sin City herself,
Ms. Deborah Vance, y'all!
408
00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,620
[cheers and applause]
409
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,870
- Hey, you guys, thank you!
410
00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,950
Thanks, sweetie.
Thank you.
411
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,540
Thank you, thank you.
412
00:18:02,620 --> 00:18:05,580
You know, I have lived in Vegas
for almost 30 years.
413
00:18:05,660 --> 00:18:09,330
I have a story
for every corner you can see.
414
00:18:09,410 --> 00:18:10,910
I mean--oh,
that telephone pole,
415
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:13,830
my daughter once wrapped
her car around that pole,
416
00:18:13,910 --> 00:18:16,080
and I had to pay to replace it.
417
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:17,500
Of course, I'm not
the first person to pay
418
00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:18,910
for stiff wood in this town.
419
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,330
[laughter]
- What?
420
00:18:20,410 --> 00:18:22,200
Now, that's Vegas for you.
421
00:18:22,290 --> 00:18:23,580
You, sir, what do you do?
422
00:18:23,660 --> 00:18:26,330
- I'm a doctor.
- Oh, I love doctors.
423
00:18:26,410 --> 00:18:28,160
Some of my most
intimate relationships
424
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:30,330
have been with doctors...
425
00:18:30,410 --> 00:18:31,540
at my physical.
426
00:18:31,620 --> 00:18:33,450
[laughter]
- No, seriously,
427
00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:34,660
if you have
the right health insurance,
428
00:18:34,750 --> 00:18:36,410
there is no need to date.
429
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,500
[laughter]
430
00:18:38,580 --> 00:18:41,000
- Hey, you, the sad little girl
with the big hands,
431
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:44,540
where are you from?
Yeah, her in the blue?
432
00:18:45,870 --> 00:18:48,790
- Los Angeles.
- Ooh, Hollywood.
433
00:18:48,870 --> 00:18:50,120
You know what they say.
Everybody there
434
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:52,250
is so vapid
and obsessed with image.
435
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:53,870
Well, clearly not.
436
00:18:53,950 --> 00:18:55,370
You know, just asking
for a friend,
437
00:18:55,450 --> 00:18:57,250
which landscaping company
did your hair?
438
00:18:57,330 --> 00:18:58,950
[laughter]
439
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,290
- Oh, I kid.
I kid.
440
00:19:00,370 --> 00:19:03,370
I actually know
this young lady.
441
00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:06,120
She is a new employee of mine.
442
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,790
[applause]
443
00:19:07,870 --> 00:19:11,870
But she did tell me that a joke
I do is degrading to me.
444
00:19:11,950 --> 00:19:14,370
And I thought, "Well, that's
rich," because this morning,
445
00:19:14,450 --> 00:19:17,540
I found her taking
a nude selfie.
446
00:19:17,620 --> 00:19:18,660
- Uh-oh.
447
00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:20,410
- Oh, no, don't get too
excited.
448
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:22,200
I haven't seen breasts
that pale and sad
449
00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:24,410
since I toured
the Tyson Chicken factory.
450
00:19:24,500 --> 00:19:25,910
[crowd "oohs"]
451
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:28,250
- She never toured
the Tyson Chicken factory.
452
00:19:28,330 --> 00:19:30,250
- Folks, you should have
seen her running around all day
453
00:19:30,330 --> 00:19:32,080
refreshing that little phone.
454
00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:35,910
Didn't get one response
to that nude.
455
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,330
- Ouch!
- Can you imagine?
456
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:40,580
I mean, that would be like
going up to Harvey Weinstein's
457
00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:43,370
hotel suite and him saying,
"You know what?
458
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:45,080
Let's just
find a conference room."
459
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,580
[laughter]
460
00:19:47,660 --> 00:19:49,250
[applause]
461
00:19:49,330 --> 00:19:50,540
- Do you think if I jumped,
I'd die,
462
00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:52,200
or just break my legs?
- Shh.
463
00:19:52,290 --> 00:19:53,910
- Vegas, you know,
we're like Mecca,
464
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,000
but instead of Muslims,
we attract people
465
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:58,660
with bad tattoos
and low credit scores.
466
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:00,790
[laughter]
467
00:20:01,830 --> 00:20:05,080
- Barry, Cara, Mommy's home.
Mommy's home.
468
00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:06,410
You want a treat?
Let's get a treat.
469
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:08,330
Come on, here we go.
Here we go.
470
00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:12,160
- Oh, hey, thanks for the key.
471
00:20:12,250 --> 00:20:13,450
- What?
- Your friend put the key
472
00:20:13,540 --> 00:20:14,950
to your apartment
under your mat.
473
00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:16,620
My guy said your stuff
is mostly in boxes,
474
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:18,120
so he put them in storage.
475
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:19,580
And I should have it rented
by next week.
476
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:22,120
- Oh, okay.
477
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,370
- "Thank you, Marcus."
478
00:20:24,450 --> 00:20:26,200
"You look so good today,
Marcus."
479
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:30,120
That girl.
Just no class.
480
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:35,410
[line rings]
481
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,410
- Hey, did you get the key?
482
00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:39,330
- Yeah, I got it.
483
00:20:40,910 --> 00:20:42,950
- You really shouldn't have
sent that photo.
484
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,540
- But you said you missed me.
- I do miss you.
485
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:46,950
As a friend.
486
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,950
I'm back with Kelly,
and you know that.
487
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,290
- Well, she didn't make you
happy the first time,
488
00:20:51,370 --> 00:20:53,160
so I was just reading
between the lines.
489
00:20:53,250 --> 00:20:54,660
- Ava, dude.
490
00:20:54,750 --> 00:20:56,830
I'm having déjà vu.
- What?
491
00:20:56,910 --> 00:20:59,910
- [speaking Spanish]
492
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,500
- I hate when you yell at me
in Spanish!
493
00:21:02,580 --> 00:21:05,040
I'm not that far in Duolingo.
494
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,950
- This is exactly
why we broke up.
495
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:08,330
You think
that you know everybody
496
00:21:08,410 --> 00:21:10,370
better than they know
themselves.
497
00:21:10,450 --> 00:21:13,160
- Okay, you're right.
I'm sorry, I--
498
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,330
I'm sorry.
I just...
499
00:21:16,410 --> 00:21:17,830
[groans]
500
00:21:18,620 --> 00:21:20,910
I'm just having
a really hard time, you know?
501
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,870
I wanna work on stuff that's--
I don't know, meaningful.
502
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,950
I'm just spending my days
writing for this woman
503
00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:28,950
who--she just kicks people
when they're down,
504
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,620
including herself.
505
00:21:30,700 --> 00:21:34,120
- Well, that must be hard
on you.
506
00:21:35,830 --> 00:21:37,330
How's your dad doing?
507
00:21:37,410 --> 00:21:41,250
- He's...alive.
508
00:21:41,330 --> 00:21:44,040
Okay, back to what's
actually important.
509
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,700
So I'm hearing that
you didn't like the nude?
510
00:21:46,790 --> 00:21:49,250
Is that possible?
511
00:21:49,330 --> 00:21:50,580
- No comment.
512
00:21:50,660 --> 00:21:52,950
- [laughs]
- Hey, if you're in Vegas,
513
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,910
you really need to start
wearing sunscreen.
514
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,660
- Well, yeah, but then I would
have to start washing my face
515
00:21:59,750 --> 00:22:01,410
at night, and you know
I'm not gonna do that.
516
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:02,410
- Mm-hmm.
517
00:22:02,500 --> 00:22:03,540
Right, of course you're not.
518
00:22:03,620 --> 00:22:05,620
- Anyway, how are you?
519
00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,330
- I'm actually great,
520
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:09,370
but I do have to go.
521
00:22:09,450 --> 00:22:10,580
- Okay.
522
00:22:10,660 --> 00:22:12,370
- Bye, Ava.
523
00:22:12,450 --> 00:22:14,160
- Bye.
524
00:22:17,830 --> 00:22:19,370
[sprinklers whirring]
525
00:22:19,450 --> 00:22:21,580
Oh, my God!
526
00:22:21,660 --> 00:22:24,080
[breathing heavily]
527
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:27,120
[dramatic music]
528
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:28,750
♪ ♪
529
00:22:28,830 --> 00:22:30,250
[shoes sloshing]
530
00:22:30,330 --> 00:22:32,750
- Shoes off.
531
00:22:32,830 --> 00:22:34,500
- [scoffs]
532
00:22:34,580 --> 00:22:41,660
♪ ♪
533
00:22:56,830 --> 00:22:58,790
- Oh, and we got a call about
a regional corporate retreat
534
00:22:58,870 --> 00:23:01,790
for ADT Security.
They're looking for an MC.
535
00:23:01,870 --> 00:23:03,580
- Any other letters
I should know about?
536
00:23:03,660 --> 00:23:06,250
- "K," as in 50K.
537
00:23:06,330 --> 00:23:08,370
- Huh.
538
00:23:08,450 --> 00:23:10,870
What do you think?
- I think it should be 75.
539
00:23:10,950 --> 00:23:12,330
But I can get 'em there.
540
00:23:17,370 --> 00:23:19,830
- Book it.
- Love.
541
00:23:19,910 --> 00:23:22,910
And that's all I have
for you today.
542
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,870
- Marcus, what would
I do without you?
543
00:23:25,950 --> 00:23:28,750
- I think you'd be fine.
- Mm.
544
00:23:28,830 --> 00:23:30,580
Oh, you know what?
Have the grounds guys
545
00:23:30,660 --> 00:23:32,450
cut back on the sprinklers.
I don't want to ever
546
00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:35,120
have to see
that water Nazi again.
547
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:36,910
- Sure.
548
00:23:40,910 --> 00:23:43,870
[mid-tempo music]
549
00:23:43,950 --> 00:23:50,620
♪ ♪
550
00:24:08,950 --> 00:24:15,700
♪ ♪
551
00:24:37,330 --> 00:24:44,410
♪ ♪
552
00:25:05,700 --> 00:25:07,750
- [sighs]
Okay.
553
00:25:12,370 --> 00:25:13,870
- Ladies and gentlemen,
554
00:25:13,950 --> 00:25:17,040
welcome to "Late Night
with Deborah Vance."
555
00:25:17,120 --> 00:25:22,500
Please welcome the one,
the only, Deborah Vance.
556
00:25:22,580 --> 00:25:25,250
[cheers and applause]
557
00:25:25,330 --> 00:25:27,450
- Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
558
00:25:27,540 --> 00:25:30,000
Now, do not adjust
your TV sets.
559
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:33,200
This is "Late Night,"
and yes, I am a woman.
560
00:25:33,290 --> 00:25:35,410
[laughter]
- I know it's very confusing.
561
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:37,580
My accountant didn't even know
what to put on my tax returns,
562
00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:39,370
so he just wrote
"mouthy broad."
563
00:25:39,450 --> 00:25:41,660
- [laughs]
[laughter]
564
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:43,620
- But I really love
being in charge.
565
00:25:43,700 --> 00:25:46,290
My very first order of
business was to make sure
566
00:25:46,370 --> 00:25:50,000
the workplace was safe
for all the ladies.
567
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:54,450
So on day one, I gave every
man a pair of mittens...
568
00:25:54,540 --> 00:25:55,790
and every woman a gun.
569
00:25:55,870 --> 00:25:58,410
- [laughs]
[laughter]
570
00:25:58,500 --> 00:26:00,000
- And that was just the start.
571
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:03,370
Next, I instituted
a breastfeeding room.
572
00:26:03,450 --> 00:26:04,790
The only problem was,
573
00:26:04,870 --> 00:26:06,580
those executives
were really hungry.
574
00:26:06,660 --> 00:26:08,160
- [laughs]
[laughter]
575
00:26:08,250 --> 00:26:09,790
- But I actually do think
about this show
576
00:26:09,870 --> 00:26:12,120
the way I think about
my babies.
577
00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:14,040
I conceived both
with Merv Griffin.
578
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:15,500
[laughter]
579
00:26:15,580 --> 00:26:16,910
- Knowing Merv,
he's gonna wanna cancel it
580
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,370
in the first trimester.
- [laughs]
581
00:26:19,450 --> 00:26:21,620
- Oh, get over it.
582
00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:25,410
Abortion is legal now,
thanks to Roe v. Wade.
583
00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,080
And thank God,
'cause back in Berkeley,
584
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:29,250
all we had
was sophomore v. staircase.
585
00:26:29,330 --> 00:26:32,500
- [laughs]
[cheering]
586
00:26:32,580 --> 00:26:35,580
[soft music]
587
00:26:35,660 --> 00:26:37,080
♪ ♪
588
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:38,580
[reel whirring]
589
00:26:38,660 --> 00:26:41,250
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
590
00:26:41,330 --> 00:26:42,700
♪ ♪
591
00:26:42,790 --> 00:26:45,250
[applause]
Before we--
592
00:26:45,330 --> 00:26:46,750
before we say goodbye,
593
00:26:46,830 --> 00:26:50,000
there's something
I just want to say.
594
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,910
Tonight has been
the honor of my life.
595
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:54,700
[chuckles]
596
00:26:54,790 --> 00:26:57,700
It's always been
a dream of mine, and...
597
00:26:57,790 --> 00:27:00,540
I'm just so--oh,
I'm such a big baby.
598
00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:01,830
- Yeah, get over here.
Get over here.
599
00:27:01,910 --> 00:27:03,330
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
600
00:27:03,410 --> 00:27:05,370
- I'm just so proud
to host the show,
601
00:27:05,450 --> 00:27:10,040
and I'm even more proud
to share it with my family.
602
00:27:10,120 --> 00:27:12,910
[chuckles]
Frank, my husband.
603
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,040
[chuckles]
I love you.
604
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:17,910
And Kathy,
my sister and my best friend,
605
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:22,000
and to that little munchkin
who's in your arms.
606
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:25,540
♪ ♪
607
00:27:25,620 --> 00:27:27,330
- Okay.
608
00:27:27,410 --> 00:27:28,950
Okay, all right.
Hang on.
609
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,500
- Yeah?
Okay, come here, baby.
610
00:27:30,580 --> 00:27:33,200
Come here.
Come here.
611
00:27:33,290 --> 00:27:35,040
Oh, all right.
Can you say,
612
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:37,580
"See you tomorrow night"?
- See you tomorrow night!
613
00:27:37,660 --> 00:27:39,200
[audience "awws"]
614
00:27:39,290 --> 00:27:42,200
[cheering]
615
00:27:42,290 --> 00:27:49,250
♪ ♪
616
00:27:49,330 --> 00:27:50,750
- [exhales]
617
00:27:50,830 --> 00:27:57,250
♪ ♪
618
00:27:58,660 --> 00:28:01,580
[soft music]
619
00:28:01,660 --> 00:28:08,750
♪ ♪