After Mr. Cooper told Mrs. Cooper that Betty
had been dancing in her window, in her skivvies,
for Archie's... uh, benefit,
Mrs. Cooper phoned Hollywood, California
to give Hermione Lodge a little good old fashioned East Coast what-for,
since Veronica had supplied the skivvies in question.
Then, Alice rang her good friend Penelope Blossom
for advice about what to do,
mother-to-mother.
Well, I can't say I'm surprised.
By what, Mother?
Operator, can you put me through to Stratford-747?
Alice Cooper needs help saving her little hussy of a daughter.
Agnes, you won't believe...
So by morning, everyone knew some version of what had happened,
most of it untrue, and repercussions were being felt far and near.
She's never gonna talk to me again, is she?
Your mother just needs to understand
that you're a red-blooded, American young man
and that Betty, well, she's a voluptuous, ripe peach of a girl.
I just... I'm so embarrassed, Uncle Frank.
Well...
Were you caught with your pants down?
Yes.
Was what you were doing a little raunchy?
Well, maybe.
But I'd be more worried about you
if you weren't showing an interest in that kitten.
But for now, just keep up with your schoolwork,
focus on the basketball team,
stay away from Betty,
take plenty of cold showers.
We'll get you through this, Archie. All right?
Yeah.
Good, good.
Good.
You cannot parade around naked in front of boys.
Okay, again,
Archie and I were not naked. We were just...
Having fun. We were in separate houses, Mom.
What did you think was going to happen?
With you, anything's possible.
Which is why, starting today, you will be cutting a rug on Riverdale Grandstand.
Mom, no.
Mom, I don't wanna be part of Dad's dance show.
Only nerds and squares are on Dad's dance show.
All right, enough of the sass, young lady!
You will be dancing from 3:00 to 6:00 every afternoon after school.
We will make sure that you're nice and tuckered out
so there's no more late-night shows with your pinkie out of jail
for over-sexed young men like Archie.
And if I catch wind of you even saying "hello" to that red-headed pervert,
well...
You don't wanna see me frosted, young lady.
Miss Veronica, pardon the interruption,
but a telegram arrived
from your parents, miss.
Ugh...
They must still be peeved about Mrs. Cooper snitching on me.
"Mija, you have been a bad girl. Stop.
Time to teach you a lesson. Stop.
No more allowance. Stop.
Report for work at the Babylonium Theater today at 3:30 sharp.
Stop."
They're suspending my allowance?
And making me get an after-school job?
Smithers, this is child abuse!
Well, if they think they can break my spirit
as if I were a filly, they're in for a rude awakening.
Hey, Dad.
Kevin, what are you doing with this?
Uh, it's... It's a... That's a bodybuilding magazine.
Where'd you get that from?
New pal of yours? That Clay character?
His name's Clay Walker. No. Uh, no, Dad.
What... What's going on?
I don't know.
I don't know, Kevin.
I mean, you cut your girlfriend loose, you...
You started hanging around with strange boys
and you're... reading magazines like this?
I don't like much of any of it.
Meanwhile, I was wracked by guilt
over the fact that I betrayed my idol,
the science-fiction writer Brad Rayberry, when...
Mr. Jones.
...Featherhead called me on the carpet.
Care to explain this?
I have a part-time gig writing comic books after school.
The content, Mr. Jones, is what we're concerned about.
The violent, gruesome, highly sexualized content,
all happening to students clearly inspired by your peers here at Riverdale.
Aren't you ashamed
to be associated with such reprehensible dreck?
No. Actually, I'm quite proud to have my name on that cover.
And whose beeswax is it anyway
what I do with my time after school?
If we were to learn that one of our students was involved in the creation
and distribution of pornography,
we would absolutely expel them.
This is a comic book, sir.
This isn't a porno mag.
Well, we don't see them so very different, Mr. Jones.
Both are inappropriate for children,
both twist their minds and souls--
Cut the gas.
It's the biggest load of hooey that's ever been laid on me in my life!
It's very simple, Mr. Jones.
Sign this agreement, stating that you'll no longer write
horror and crime comic books,
and you remain a student here.
Refuse to sign it, and we will take steps to have you expelled.
Andrews!
Can I ask, how far did you get?
Because I'm hearing conflicting reports.
All we did was look at each other.
My favorite words in the English language,
"You can look, but you can't touch."
Well, Archie and I won't be touching any time soon,
or looking, for that matter.
Especially not now that I'm on my dad's grody dance show every day.
-Riverdale Grandstand? -Mmm-hmm.
I haven't seen it myself,
you know television makes my skin crawl,
but it seems like it could be a kick.
It's a bash.
More than that,
it's an honor.
One, as dance captain, I take very seriously.
Cheryl, how and why are you a dance captain on Riverdale Grandstand?
Her parents are RIVW's biggest sponsors.
I do my part as dance captain and spokeswoman.
Say, Vee, why don't you join the dance show?
Absolutely not.
I would love to,
but I'm starting my new job at the movie theater this afternoon.
Part of my punishment for encouraging the corruption of minors.
Speaking of that, here's a list of rules for participants, Betty,
in case you get any more pervy ideas.
"No chewing gum, dress code strictly enforced,
no kissing, no groin-on-groin contact."
See you at 3:30 on the dot.
All right, everybody! Bring it in!
I'm sure most of you know your classmate Kevin Keller,
but as of today, he's the newest member of our team.
So let's give him a big Bulldog welcome.
Swell. Just what we need, a cream puff Bulldog.
She's a knockout,
isn't she?
Yes, she is.
Fat City.
And you must be my new boss, Mr. Lemly.
Veronica Lodge.
And please, whatever arrangement my parents made with you,
let me assure you, movie theaters are my happy place.
They have been ever since I attended my first picture show, Babes in Arms.
So what's my job?
Ticket-taker?
Popcorn girl? Usherette?
All of the above.
These days I can only afford a skeleton crew.
That's pretty much you, me--
And me.
I run the projector and try to keep on top of repairs
so that this place doesn't collapse on itself.
Enchantee, Clay.
-Enchante. -I look forward to getting to know you better
and being part of the team.
All right, kids.
It's time for the Bop!
Betty! Why aren't you dancing?
'Cause I don't wanna be here
and I don't wanna dance.
You have to dance!
It's bad for ratings if the camera pans this a-way
and catches the daughter of our beloved host-with-the-most
acting like a canceled stamp.
What do you want me to do, Cheryl?
Everyone's already paired up.
That's not true.
What about Dilton?
He hasn't had a steady partner
since Ethel went to the Sisters of Quiet Mercy. Just don't...
maul him, for Pete's sake!
Fine.
Just checking in.
Don't stay up too late now.
Hey, Uncle Frank, um...
What were you and Sheriff Keller talking about
at practice today?
Only that he wants Kevin to get more into sports.
Thinks he could use some better male role models.
Regular Joes like me and you.
Is something wrong with Kevin?
Well...
Sometimes boys get confused
about how they're supposed to act.
Don't worry, Archie. I promised Tom, you and me,
we'll straighten Kevin out.
Hey, Kev.
Hey, what're you doing during lunch?
I thought maybe we could hang out, shoot some baskets.
Yeah, sure.
Gee, that's swell!
I'll see you in the gym.
Catch you later, Clay.
Mr. Rayberry!
I was wondering if I could trade this check in for cash.
I don't trust banks.
Sure, Mr. Rayberry.
Let me talk to payroll.
Thank you.
-Again, I'm so sorry-- -It's 12:30.
Shouldn't you be in school?
I might have dropped out.
Why?
Well...
The finks at the top said that if I don't stop writing comic books
and corrupting America's youth,
that I'll be expelled for some cooked-up malarkey.
So... I beat feet.
Huh.
Hope it's worth it.
What time is your lunch break, anyway?
Any time, I guess.
Hey, Kev.
You know, you and I have been in the same grade since kindergarten.
Why basketball? Why now?
Uh, it was my dad's idea.
I just think he wants me to be a regular guy.
Less of an off-horse.
What does that even mean?
You know, a guy who likes sports,
who, um...
does, like, what you did with Betty.
Who isn't interested in things like poetry
and drama and music and movie stars and--
I like those things.
Well, yeah, but you're...
What?
What am I?
You're normal, Archie. You're normal.
Kevin, so are you.
Yeah, I... I wanna be,
more than anything.
I just want to be like everybody else.
Again and... and for the rest of my life,
I would like to apologize...
For stealing and reading my novel.
- For that. Yeah. - Mmm-hmm.
It was a chump move
and you had every right to bite my head off.
I did.
That said, I, um...
I may have, uh, overreacted.
No, I... I...
I totally understand
why you were being protective over
The Jupiter Journals. Mr. Rayberry, I...
I think it's a masterpiece.
Huh.
If I wrote that manuscript,
I... I think I could die a happy man.
Wow.
Before we start
planning your funeral, let's talk about
you dropping out of school.
You should go back.
Education's important.
I... I just don't really
see why I have to choose between writing comic books
and getting an education.
You shouldn't.
And this,
young sir, is what is known as a
Gordian knot.
So, tell me everything you know
about this Werthers clown,
who he is,
where he comes from, what he's about,
what he believes.
- Fellas, an announcement.
Let's give a proud woof for Rodgers here
who finally did
the dirty deed with Jenny Stevens last night.
In the back of his dad's Thunderbird, no less.
Whoo!
- Whoo! Whoo! - Between Rodgers and Andrews'
X-rated peep show with Betty Cooper,
we might want to rename our team
the Horndogs.
The question is,
which one of you fruitcakes is next?
Can't be a real man
unless you've gone all the way with a woman.
We all know Fogarty's solid.
You and Midge, right?
That's none of your beeswax there, Blossom.
Man of mystery, okay.
What about you, Keller?
What about you?
Julian?
Pretty sure you're still a virgin?
Uh, keep dreaming.
Crossed into the promised land
on my 16th birthday,
when my dad took me to see Twyla Twyst.
Who's Twyla Twyst?
A floozy who works
out of the Cozy Time Motel behind the school.
Spend one night with her.
Heck, even one hour
and you'll never be the same.
What do you say, Keller?
You up for it?
Put a lid on it. Julian.
-Kevin-- -Yeah, I'll do it.
I'll go see her.
Attaboy, Keller.
That's the spirit.
Let me know when and where.
So, Clay, bring me up to speed.
Am I sensing you're a fellow cinephile?
It's actually what I wannna study in college.
Filmmaking.
I know, it sounds nutty as a can of peanuts,
but I dream of one day
inspiring people like my hero inspired me.
Oscar Micheaux.
- Who's he? - A Black director.
He started at the same time as
D.W. Griffith and Mary Pickford.
Well, if we're,
indulging in pipe dreams today.
I've never been crazy about being in front
of the cameras but I do love
being near them.
Well, maybe
your destiny is to run a studio one day and then,
- you can hire me to direct my first movie.
Deal.
Oh, Mr. Lemly.
When does our rush begin?
You're looking at it.
Seems like it's gonna be another slow night.
Uh, slow is one thing
but graveyard-like is another.
What gives?
TV's taken a Dracula-sized bite
out of our business.
Also, that new
drive-in that's just opened up, The Starlight,
doesn't help either.
Excuse me.
Living rooms and drive-ins
cannot compete with the experience
of seeing a movie
in a palace like the Babylonium.
People need to be reminded of that.
How about an ad in the Riverdale Register?
Or what about a commercial?
On television
aired during Riverdale Grandstand.
All the kids will see it that way.
Dancing up a storm sure is hard work.
That's why I like to fortify myself
throughout the day with hearty helpings
of Blossom Maple Syrup.
Try it on your pancakes.
- Waffles. - Biscuits.
And even your favorite ice cream.
Nine out of 10 Americans agree
there is nothing quite like
the extra sweet flavor of Blossom maple syrup.
And remember, kids,
it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Now in economy-sized tins.
And cut!
All right, kids, let's swing again to, "Listen To Me Baby."
Hey, there.
It's Betty, right?
I'm Troy. My, uh, usual partner, Judy, has the mumps.
You wanna let me take you out for a spin?
Sure, you might as well.
Well, that's swell.
So, is it true?
That you, uh,
like it when guys watch you?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Come on, fess up.
I mean, we've all heard the story.
After we wrap here,
how about you and I go down to the river
and you can put on a little
private show for me?
Will ya?
Get your paws off me, creep!
Betty! Betty!
You cannot do that on live television.
Atta girl.
For the 100th time,
it wasn't my fault.
Troy got fresh with me.
-He grabbed my-- -If he did,
it's because you have created a fast reputation.
I barely touched him.
What is the matter with you?
You know what would solve this problem?
If you let me off Riverdale Grandstand.
You know what? I'm gonna have a little chat
with all of the young men on our show.
And no one is going to dance with you.
Wait, so what am I going to be doing then?
You can sit in the corner
and stew like a sourpuss for all I care.
Hey, Mr. Rayberry.
Uh, sorry, can... Can I come in?
Sure.
As long you don't swipe anything.
I've... I've... I've been thinking about it.
I don't wanna give up writing.
My high school diploma be damned.
I agree.
And you're right. You shouldn't stop writing,
but you do need a front.
-A cover. -A front?
I have friends in Hollywood who, uh,
were blacklisted
when McCarthy was, um,
ringing the alarm on the so-called
"Communist threat."
And, uh,
they kept writing but under pseudonyms.
You should do that.
Hmm?
Publish what you want under a different name
and Werthers will be none the wiser.
Yeah, but do you really think that
Werthers is gonna buy
that I just quit writing comic books altogether?
It's so simplistic, no?
Well, not if you muddy the waters.
I mean, like, if, uh,
you tell Werthers you're, uh...
You're shifting your focus off horror comic books
to, I don't know,
happy animal comic books.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, Super Duck.
Yeah, exactly.
Tell Werthers you're writing Super Duck,
uh, keep churning out the horror stories
under an alias and problem solved. Right?
God, Archie,
what am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do? I...
Listen,
just put yourself in her hands, Kevin.
Let nature take its course.
Is that how your first time went?
Kevin...
I'm still a virgin, too.
You are?
Yeah.
Well, doesn't that beat all?
If I'm a virgin and you're a virgin,
why do I have to go to Twyla and you don't?
Why do I have to prove something and you don't?
It's funny how the world works, isn't it?
We're so pleased
that you've come to your senses, Mr. Jones.
Just hold your horses.
We have some stipulations.
And what exactly
is your interest in this, Mr. Rayberry?
How do you even know Mr. Jones?
Well, we are colleagues,
at Pep Comics.
And I just most recently started
to mentor, Jughead.
How, uh,
magnanimous of you.
Jughead agrees to stop writing horror comics
per this agreement.
But I will continue to write comics
for Pep, specifically, Super Duck.
It's wholesome, family friendly fare.
Unobjectionable, you might say.
Well, although we appreciate Jughead's curbing
the violent content of his previous work--
Okay, let's cut the bull, Doc.
Okay?
What you are doing to my mentee
is unconstitutional.
And if you continue to harass him,
I am prepared to escalate this
as far as we need to go.
Are you talking about the PTA, Mr. Rayberry?
No, I'm not talking about the PTA.
I'm talking about a little organization
called the US Supreme Court.
So how does Jones v. Board of Education sound to you?
I'm curious if the justices
would take the same stance
regarding comic books as you do, Mr. Werthers.
Namely that they are as problematic as hardcore pornography?
Gentlemen, let's not lose our heads.
Uh, I'm sure none of us, uh, wanna blow this thing out of proportion.
And I'm... I'm not an expert.
but it seems to me that this
Super Duck character is, uh...
quite harmless.
Wouldn't you agree, Dr. Werthers?
Yes, for the moment.
-Great. -Well, this was just tops.
So glad to be back.
So, baby, Julian tells me
you're cruising for a good time.
Come, dance with me.
You can follow my lead.
Let Twyla take care of you.
Hello. Cooper.
Here you go. Thank you.
Betty.
Archie.
Thank you.
Uh, what are you... What are you up to?
Well, you know, just
picking up dinner on my way home
from the studio.
Say, uh, Betty,
can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Um...
When you and, uh...
When you and Kevin were dating...
what... How was he?
-What do you mean? -I don't know.
Uh, well...
His dad's got it into his head that Kevin's
funny, you know,
an off horse, little girly, I guess.
Archie, you don't expect me to kiss and tell, do you?
No, no, of course not.
Anyway, hopefully after tonight,
Kevin will straighten out.
-Fly right. -What do you mean? Why?
What's happening tonight?
Nothing.
-God, I shouldn't have said anything. -Archie.
What do you mean? Tell me what's happening tonight?
Kevin, don't do it.
Oh, God.
Am I too late? Did something bad happen?
The only thing that happened in here
was a whole lot of nothing.
We were having a little dance party.
I let down my hair a little
then he started bawling like a baby,
saying, "I can't do it."
But tonight might not be a total bust.
Come here, sugar.
You're a hunk and a half.
Come to Twyla.
I'm just here for my friend.
Oh, he's your friend, is he?
That makes sense.
Twyla knows the score, she's been around the block more than once.
Take him.
He's all yours.
Come on, Kev. Let's split.
Why did you come and get me, Archie?
I ran into Betty at Pop's,
told her what was going on and she blew a gasket.
She said I had to...
come and save you from doing something that might scar you for life.
Boy, was she frosted.
What am I gonna say to the guys, Archie?
When they find out what happened
or what didn't happened,
it will be the end of me.
I'm never gonna be a normal fella.
Hey, what about this?
We're gonna tell them
that you made it with Twyla, that you went all the way.
I'll back you up.
And I'll give you some things to say.
Things that I've...
read in magazines or heard my Uncle Frank say.
Look, don't worry, Kevin.
We're gonna get you on the stick and sell it.
No matter who you are,
hot rodder or cheerleader,
book worm or jock,
square or beatnik,
deep down we all yearn for the same things.
Adventure, romance, excitement.
Well, what if I told you that just for 49 cents
you could have all that and more.
Movies have the power to transport us all over the world.
But only if you see them in a theater like the Babylonium.
They're magical, special places,
where it even feels good to cry.
It's a scientific fact.
Movies are better in movie theaters.
Come to the Babylonium
to laugh,
to cry,
to sit in the dark and experience something powerful together.
And fall in love with the movies again for the first time.
Well, Mr. Lemly,
what did you think of the commercial?
Perfection.
So why don't you buy a few choice spots
and see if it gets word of mouth going?
Veronica, I've been negotiating the sale of the Babylonium
to an interested party for the last few months.
The official offer finally came through.
Who's buying it?
Well... It's your parents.
That's how I know them.
My parents?
They're not even in the movie theater business.
They don't even appreciate movies.
Oh, I assumed you knew.
It's my understanding they're gonna turn the Babylonium into a parking lot.
Mr. Rayberry, that Supreme Court bit was inspired.
You had Dr. Werthers quaking in his boots.
And Principal Featherhead's face was priceless.
Straw men fall easily.
But I'm glad though that you're going back to school.
And that you get to keep writing comic books.
Mmm, I wanted to talk to you about that.
What if you were to really be my mentor?
I'm open.
Let me finish this milkshake before we sign any adoption papers, huh.
Right on, yeah.
Yeah, of course.
Look, I did wanna tell you though that
I've decided to re-read my novel.
I think it's time.
An Edward Hopper original.
Bet you're worth a pretty penny.
Dad?
You had quite an eventful evening.
I know that you went and saw Twyla.
How?
Did Julian tell you?
Only because I asked for him to suggest it to you in the first place.
I thought maybe if the idea came from
one of your classmates you might be more inclined to do it.
-Well-- -I spoke to Twyla,
right after Archie came and rescued you.
She told me what happened.
That you couldn't or wouldn't.
That you started to cry.
I don't know exactly what happened last night,
but Tom just called.
He told me that Kevin will no longer be on the basketball team.
Poor Tom.
I feel for him,
having a son who's bent.
Such a shame.
Well, what about your breakfast?
Uh, lost my appetite.
Hmm.
I've been mulling over
our conversation from yesterday, Mr. Lemly.
And I'd like to buy the Babylonium.
More specifically,
I'd like to trade this painting from my personal collection for your theater.
I've spoken to Crestby's
and I think you'll find that on the open market,
an original Hopper is worth much more
than what my parents are offering you.
I'm deep in negotiations with your folks.
I know.
But...
our commercial wasn't false advertising.
Going to the movies is special.
Working here at the Babylonium, even briefly, has rekindled
something in me.
Plus,
wouldn't you feel better knowing that someone's
keeping the lights on and the projector running?
Showing the Babylonium the same love and respect you have all these years?
I don't know, I think I messed up with Kevin, Betty.
I think I made things worse.
No, Arch.
You were just trying to include him, make him feel like a part of things.
You protected him as best as you could.
Well, isn't this a sight to behold?
My mother and father wanted to invite any and all students
to this afternoon's taping of Riverdale Grandstand.
Why today's?
Because it's our 50th episode, and my parents wanna see some fresh faces on screen.
Toodle-oo.
I can't believe how screwed up the world is.
I know, the hypocrisy.
No matter what we're going through,
what our parents are putting us through,
as long as we show up on Grandstand
smiling and dancing like trained seals, everything's peachy keen.
And all the grownups do is to tell us how to think, how we're supposed to act.
How to dress, who to date.
They're trying to control every second of our lives,
and there's not a thing we can do about it.
Maybe...
But maybe not...
Okay, boys and girls.
Now it's time for America's latest dance craze.
The twirl.
Hey.
You cool cats wanna see what a real twirl looks like?
Alice, Alice!
No, no, no, no, no!
Stop filming.
Cut to commercial.
You have any idea
how much trouble you could get the station in?
You're out of control.
No, Mom.
I am in complete control.
I knew exactly what I was doing and why.
Wha...
Now, Mother, may I please be excused from future episodes of Riverdale Grandstand?
You are off the show!
But you broke my heart, Betty.
You rang, Ms. Veronica?
Yes, Smithers.
I'd like you to send a telegram to my parents.
"Dear Mom and Dad."
Stop.
"I am now the new owner of the Babylonium."
Stop.
"Which will never turn into a parking lot."
Stop.
"My best to Uncle Orson, stop."
Hey, Kev.
Clay.
What are you guys doing for lunch?
Um...
Sorry, Archie, my basketball days are over.
Yeah, I heard.
I was actually hoping to break bread with you guys.
Talk about things like music, plays, movie stars.
Why not?
Yeah, sure.
Oh, that's boss.
Save me a spot in the lounge.
Ms. Cooper,
might I have a word with you in my office?
Your mother called me last night.
She's very concerned
about you and your erratic behavior.
Yes, well, a teenage girl with a mind and desires of her own,
it's all very concerning, isn't it?
You're so...
tortured, Betty.
What are we going to do with you?
With Dr. Werthers shifting his glowering attention from me to Betty,
I was now able to continue my budding comic career on twin tracks,
with the prospect of Mr. Rayberry as my mentor keeping me up and typing
late into the night.
Evening, sir.
Apologies for the late delivery.