Things were dire.
My friend Ethel's parents
had been brutally murdered the night of the sock hop.
And suddenly, Ethel and I were the prime suspects.
You drew this picture,
didn't you, Ethel?
And they're meant to be your mother and father.
Yes, but it was a joke.
Then why did Mr. Jones hide it under his mattress like a dirty secret?
And is this where your far-fetched story
about a killer milkman came from? A comic book?
No, no. I saw a milkman leaving my house...
Don't say anything else, not until we talk to a lawyer.
You know, a picture is worth a thousand words, Mr. Jones.
And these... Well, these tell a very disturbing story.
Well...
Well, maybe they'll be more talkative down at the station.
Jughead, what's happening?
They're railroading us.
Let's go, Jughead.
Where do you get off, Andrews, taking advantage of my sister?
Going all the way with her at Veronica's make-out party.
Okay, first of all, you encouraged me to date Cheryl.
And second of all, I didn't.
We did not go all the way.
That's not what Cheryl's saying.
Cheryl, why did you tell your brother we went all the way?
We didn't, we kissed. That's all we did.
We did more than that, Archie.
I mean, Bela Lugosi didn't give me this beauty mark.
Oh, okay, okay. We barely made it to second base.
So why tell Julian we scored a homerun?
I can't explain it.
But by saying that we did, it's helping me...
with a problem I'm having.
Just know that by corroborating my story...
you'd be protecting me.
Protecting you? How and from whom?
My family.
Archie, please don't ask me any more questions than that.
Anyway, it's just a little white lie, right?
Really, who is it hurting?
I want to give this back to you, Betty.
That was fast.
Did you glean something from it, at least?
I think so.
I think I know what you want.
And?
And I... I wanna wait until marriage.
Oh, I see.
Well, how about this?
I'm not okay with you
making all of the decisions in this relationship, Kevin.
So, as far as I'm concerned,
we're not going steady anymore.
Betty, what is it? Why are you crying?
Kevin and I broke up.
Boys ruin everything.
What did he do?
Well, we were talking about having a more physical relationship.
And an ultimatum was put down.
You wanted to wait till marriage?
No, Kevin said he wanted to wait until marriage.
So I broke up with him.
Don't be ashamed of your desires, Betty.
More girls should do what you did.
Ask for what they want from their supposed boyfriends.
What do I do now?
Well, how about you and I go to the Dark Room
and grab a coffee?
And Betty...
maybe this breakup is exactly what the doctor ordered.
How's poor Ethel doing?
I think she's in shock.
I can only imagine. What are they saying to you?
Not much. Just that they can only hold us legally for 24 hours.
After which, they either have to release us or charge us.
But you were at the dance.
We were all there together.
If there was some way that we could prove the time
that Ethel's parents were killed, it might be enough to clear me.
Then I'd figure out a way to exonerate Ethel.
Putting on my Nora Charles hat,
doesn't Riverdale have a coroner?
That would have performed an autopsy on the Muggs?
Every town has a coroner.
But I don't know who that is.
Let me find out.
I'll be back.
Hey, Veronica... Nora Charles?
The Thin Man is one of my favorite films.
I had a feeling.
Mom, what's wrong?
Mrs. Blossom just came by.
Is it true what she's saying you and Cheryl did?
How did this happen?
Mom, I don't really feel comfortable discussing this with you.
You think I do?
Never mind.
Just go upstairs and change into your suit.
Why?
Because we're going over to the Blossoms' for dinner,
to figure out a path through this mess that you and Cheryl made.
So, how was your trip to Washington, Mr. Mayor?
Oh, Mary, please. It's Clifford.
As for my trip, well, it was, uh... It was productive.
But...
to come home to our fair town torn asunder.
Two murders, and our young people in crisis.
World has indeed gone sideways. Joe was right.
Senator McCarthy.
So, tell me, Archie.
What do you think of the Russia problem?
The Russia problem, sir?
The Russians. Arming themselves against us,
infiltrating us, undermining our very way of life.
Well...
Well, Russia is a big...
It's a massive problem, sir.
It's, I mean, clearly...
You're a very smart young man, Archie.
You remind me of your father.
Fred was a decent, hard working, red-blooded American.
Thank you, sir.
Mary, after dinner, I think we should adjourn to my study.
We have much to discuss.
I'm sorry I never got to meet your dad.
You must miss him a lot.
Yeah, he was...
He was my best friend.
That is so sweet.
We used to go to the movies almost every weekend.
- Westerns, those were his favorites.
Mine too.
And afterwards we'd go to Pop's for burgers.
We'd joke about riding out west to California, to live on a ranch.
Being cowboys.
It's funny. I think about that a lot.
All right.
First things first. Let's get you that decaf.
You know what? Betty, let's go.
You don't wanna see this.
See what?
Oh, my gosh.
According to the time of death on that certificate,
Jughead was at the dance
when Mr. and Mrs. Muggs were murdered.
This doesn't account for Ethel's whereabouts at the time of the murders.
That may be the case.
But you can at least release Jughead, can't you?
I'm sorry, but is that cell gonna unlock itself?
Because I'm a very busy teenager, Sheriff.
Mm.
I think they were trying to starve me in there.
Thankfully, I managed to get Ethel to finally open up.
She told you where she was when her parents were killed?
Mm-hmm. And her reluctance to fess up makes sense too.
It turns out, she was doing the car seat cha-cha with, get this...
Julian Blossom.
Ethel was waiting at the bus stop to go to the dance
when Julian drove by and offered to take her.
You going to the dance?
Come on, I'll give you a ride.
When instead, he took her to Lover's Lane
and then tried to put the moves on her.
As Ethel described it, she welcomed it at first.
But Julian decided to get a little handsy.
Julian warned her not to say anything
and that if she did, he would call her a nymphomaniac.
Make her the town laughingstock.
Of course, we know what happened after that.
When she decided to go home instead of the dance.
Terrible.
I say we talk to Julian at school tomorrow.
Ethel thinks that ratting him out
is only going to make things worse for her.
And she may be right.
So it's up to Julian to do the honorable thing.
God help us.
And where have you been, young lady?
I was just having coffee with my friend Toni.
Hmm. Well, Mrs. Keller called.
Did you break up with Kevin today?
Oh, Betty, why did you do that?
He is so upset.
He's devastated.
Mrs. Keller doesn't know where he is.
She's worried sick.
Kevin is fine.
I just saw him at the coffeehouse.
And rest assured, he's found a shoulder to cry on.
A very manly shoulder.
And?
And looking back, that's been the problem with us this whole time, Mom.
Kevin likes boys.
Oh, Elizabeth.
Here, honey, come sit.
Even if he does, it's just a phase.
See, carnal passion like that, it never lasts.
It will fade.
And then, eventually, he'll be ready to...
To what?
To kiss me? To want to kiss me?
To marry you.
To settle down.
Start a family.
Mom, how could I possibly marry and live with Kevin,
knowing the truth now?
You and Kevin,
you've been building a relationship for two years.
I know.
And if he's going through some kind of sexual identity crisis,
don't you owe it to him to help him through it?
If only as a friend.
Holy heck.
Hot Dog.
Where'd they take you, boy?
Well...
That was torture.
Well, Mr. Blossom said some nice stuff about Dad, at least.
Oh, Clifford Blossom has always been a hypocrite.
And a war profiteer and a draft dodger.
How is he a war profiteer?
He sold maple syrup to the Army at a premium during the Korean War.
I've always managed to give the Blossoms a wide berth.
But now, thanks to you, we'll be linked for the rest of our lives.
What are you talking about?
The Blossoms and I have had a long talk.
And we've decided that, based on your actions,
the best thing to do would be for you and Cheryl...
to get married.
Married?
Aren't Cheryl and I too young to do that?
Dr. Werthers will be giving you and Cheryl a test tomorrow.
I have to take a test now too?
A compatibility test.
Cupid's checklist, to make sure that you and Cheryl are...
Compatible.
Yes, and psychologically ready to get married.
Mom, this can't be what you want for me.
It isn't.
But if you're old enough to...
do what you did,
then you're old enough to take responsibility for it.
Think of Cheryl's honor.
That poor girl's reputation could be destroyed.
And I know you don't want that.
Gosh, Midge... Are you sure?
I'm never late.
I'm scared, Fangs.
Don't worry, baby. I love you.
We're going to figure this out. I promise.
What do you two want?
We know that you were with Ethel before arriving to the dance.
Is that what Ethel says?
She wishes.
You're a terrible liar.
If you already know the whole story, then why the third degree?
Because they're trying to bamboozle Ethel.
You were the only one that was with her when her parents were eighty-sixed.
So you can be her alibi.
But you need to tell the truth to Sheriff Keller.
I'm not doing that.
Why not?
I'm a Blossom.
It would be...
unseemly for me to admit that I made a play for someone as...
inappropriate as Ethel Muggs.
Then why do it in the first place?
I don't know.
Cheap thrills, I guess.
What the hell, Jones?
You disgust me, Julian.
People like you make my stomach churn.
You're rich. You're entitled.
You strut around the world like you own it.
And then you take advantage of people like my friend, Ethel.
So you're going to do the right thing for once in your life.
Julian gave a statement.
Ethel's free to go, right?
Yeah. She's no longer an active suspect.
Though an adult is gonna need to sign her out.
The Coopers are on their way. They've agreed to take her in again.
My compatibility test,
or, uh, Cupid's checklist,
shall we say, consists of only three questions.
First question.
Do you come from similar backgrounds?
The Blossoms are descended from European barons and baronesses.
Um, my dad used to talk about
how Grandpa Artie and his wife barely survived the Dust Bowl.
Very good.
Second question.
Are you close friends?
Um...
You know, I pride myself on getting along with pretty much everyone.
Hmm.
Last question.
Do you understand the concept of marriage?
Uh... Um...
Marriage is not to be taken lightly, Ms. Blossom.
And you, Mr. Andrews, you must remain faithful.
It goes against our nature as men, of course.
But...
a kind word, sympathetic ear and a home-cooked meal
can go a long way towards keeping a wandering eye in check.
Have I clarified things?
Well, that is such a relief to hear, Dr. Werthers.
Mrs. Andrews and I are elated.
Yes, we'll talk soon.
My best to Myrna.
The most wonderful news, Mary, dear.
The children are compatible.
Well, frankly, I'm surprised.
You know, Archie and Cheryl are so different.
Well, they both have that glorious red hair, don't they?
Hey, Fangs. How's it hanging?
Not well, Toni.
Midge thinks that she might be in trouble.
Oh, jeez.
Are you sure?
Not 100%, but, yeah, pretty sure.
Okay, well, first things first.
We need to confirm that Midge is, in fact, pregnant.
Here's what we're going to do.
You, me and Midge are going to meet
at the biology lab at school tonight at midnight.
That'll give me enough time to gather the supplies we need to make our own test.
Can you dig it?
Big Daddy?
Kev, can we talk?
I went to the Dark Room last night,
and I saw you and Clay there.
Yeah, I don't know what you think you saw,
but Clay and I were just kidding around.
No. No, you weren't.
How long have you and Clay...
Last night was the first time.
After you broke up with me, I went to the gym and...
just was bawling my eyes out and...
Clay was in the locker room
and he just heard me, and he came and just talked to me and...
I'm sorry.
I know this must be throwing you for a loop, but just believe me.
If I had known what...
I... I was, I wouldn't have wasted your time.
I'm not going to pretend that I understand most of this.
But our relationship was not a waste of time.
At least not to me.
Well, I guess it's happening.
Mr. and Mrs. Andrews.
So, it seems.
Cheryl, are you... Are you sure you really wanna go through with this?
Would it really be that bad?
To be married to you?
No. Oh, heck, no.
I just... I wanna get to know you better.
And through that process, maybe I'll get to know myself better too.
I think it's easy to figure out your path
when someone's walking alongside you.
Word around school is you wrote Veronica a beautiful love poem.
Maybe you could find it in your heart to write one for me.
Yeah, yeah. Sure I can.
To small victories.
Hear, hear!
Though Ethel's not out of the woods just yet.
No, but she's in a better place than she was two hours ago.
We make a good team, Nick.
Yes, we do, Nora.
So, after dinner,
what do you think about walking me home?
Oh, shucks...
I was actually planning on staying here tonight.
At the diner?
Why?
Sheriff Keller and his goon squad trashed my train car.
Oh.
Well...
do you want to stay at the Pembrooke?
No, no. I'm... I'm allergic to silk sheets.
You're in luck, then.
Because we only have sheets made
from the finest Egyptian cotton.
Well, I wouldn't wanna crowd you.
Please. There's an entire wing of the apartment
I haven't even set foot in.
Really, I insist.
I'm confused, Toni.
How will any of this stuff tell us whether or not I'm pregnant?
It's a simple process.
I'm going to inject some of your pee into our friend here.
And if you're pregnant, it's gonna cause
a chemical reaction in the frog, causing it to lay eggs overnight.
Will it hurt the frog?
No, it's quick and painless.
Promise.
Okay, I got Midge's pee in a cup in a bag here.
So why don't you two just wait outside and I'll be out in a jiffy?
Well, Midge, you're definitely preggers.
There's like, 400-500 eggs in there.
Oh, my God.
All right. Fangs, Midge, listen up.
Do you two love each other?
- Yeah, we do. - Completely.
All right. Fangs, you're going to have to clean yourself up.
Wash the grease out of your hair,
put on a button-up shirt
and go ask the Klumps for Midge's hand in marriage.
I'd do anything for Midge.
But no way will her folks give us their blessing.
Well, you're gonna at least have to try.
And maybe they'll surprise you.
But, I wouldn't tell them that Midge has a bun in the oven just yet.
Good morning. What's all this?
Well, I woke up early. I figured I'd make you
a little breakfast as a show of gratitude.
Little?
My typical breakfast consists of half a grapefruit and a cup of coffee.
I feel like I'm at the Polo Lounge having Sunday brunch.
How did you sleep? Were the sheets to your liking?
I slept like a log.
But I'll admit, I do feel a bit like Little Orphan Annie in here.
Which makes me, who? Daddy Warbucks?
Should we walk to school together?
I'm skipping school today.
I have to go to the pound and spring Hot Dog.
And then I have to fix up my train car.
Well then, I'll skip too.
Why don't you focus on getting Hot Dog
and I'll focus on sprucing up your train car?
Wait a minute.
You and Cheryl didn't go all the way?
But now you two are getting married?
I know. It's confusing.
It's lunacy, Arch.
Why don't you just tell your mom the truth,
so you don't have to do any of this?
Cheryl's in trouble, Betty.
And I want to protect her.
And it's weird to say, but if I can save her
from something, it might help me...
I don't know.
Figure out my purpose in life.
But do you love her?
I could.
I mean, according to Dr. Werthers,
love grows over time. He showed us a graph.
It starts when you're 17 and it peaks when you're 21.
I mean, that's when you really start loving someone.
Arch, there's a difference between saving someone and loving someone.
What if the love never grows?
Archie. My father has requested a sit-down with us after school.
I trust you can accommodate him.
- I'll be there. - Wunderbar.
I'll let him know.
Betty.
You're a wonderful guy, Arch.
And it's really sweet that you wanna help Cheryl.
But marriage is forever.
It's the rest of your life.
So very happy to hear that you passed Dr. Werthers' evaluation.
I suppose you're both wondering what happens next.
Well, we were thinking of a small ceremony at Niagara Falls.
Don't be asinine, Cheryl.
You're going to be married by a judge at Thornhill.
And I will set Archie up with a part-time job at the Naval factory.
And you'll both graduate high school, of course.
And college as well.
That's a waste of time and money.
After high school, you, Archie, will enter into
the Blossom Management Training program.
And once that's completed, we'll start you on full-time.
Cheryl will help her mother manage Thornhill,
eventually learning how to run the estate herself.
Why? It's not as if we're gonna live here.
Certainly you will.
Where else are you gonna live?
Well, Cheryl and I haven't talked about it yet, sir,
but I was thinking we could move into my parent's house.
Cheryl? In that hovel?
Wow!
I barely even recognized you, Fangs.
How did it go with the Klumps?
It went horrible.
They had a conniption.
Forbade me from ever seeing Midge again.
Yeah, I was afraid that was gonna happen.
Midge is rich.
She's white, her parents love her.
And on top of it all, you're a greaser wannabe rockstar.
Oh, jeez.
What do I do, Toni?
You do exactly what the Klumps say.
Stay away from Midge.
They don't know she's pregnant.
You got four months before she starts to show.
Which means we have four months to make you into
a Ritchie Valens-type rock star.
Huh?
Once you become rich and famous and undeniable, you'll re-propose to Midge
and they'll have no choice but to give you their blessing.
You're in love.
Like a Romeo and Juliet kind of love.
No matter what, you and Midge will be together.
Well, do you fellas approve?
Wow! You really are like Daddy Warbucks.
I consulted with some of my set decorator friends out West.
I could have done more, but time was very limited.
Are you kidding?
It's like the Orient Express.
Without the murder, of course.
Of course.
You know, Jughead, you and Hot Dog
are more than welcome to stay at the Pembrooke.
Um, golly, uh...
I appreciate the offer. I'm just a creature of habit.
As is Hot Dog.
But thank you for everything. This is... Gosh.
My pleasure.
All right. Well, I will leave you boys to it.
Bye.
Do you wanna explain this to me?
What were you doing in my room?
Cleaning it.
Now tell me, why do you have this book?
I was reading it, Mom.
To try to make some sense of my life,
since everything that you tell me is backwards and nonsensical.
Watch your tone, little miss.
A girl your age should not be reading this filth.
Well, then when, Mom?
And it's not filth. It's just the truth.
Where did you even find this?
It's mine.
It was at my house. That's where Betty found it, Mrs. Cooper.
I ordered it from a catalog through the mail.
Oh, Ethel. Why am I not surprised?
It doesn't matter where I got it.
And I'm not done reading it yet.
Betty. Young lady!
Cheryl, I can't go through with it.
After that crazy talk with your dad,
this whole plan is suddenly feeling really wrong to me.
I understand, Archie.
I do.
I demanded too much of you.
Asking you to lie, to marry into my life, my family.
That's my cross, and my cross alone, to bear.
No, no, but it doesn't have to be.
Because, I have another plan, Cheryl. A better one.
What do you mean?
What if we elope?
Go out West.
You could get away from your family.
I could get a job on a ranch.
Or be, I don't know... A folk singer?
- A what? - A folk singer.
All I'm saying is, out West,
we can find ourselves. Be whoever we want to be.
Imagine it, Cheryl.
You'd be free from whatever's weighing you down here.
If only it were that easy.
It can be.
We just have to do it.
Okay.
Okay, let's try, Archie.
I read more of my book, Kev.
Including Chapter 20, about men like you.
And I wanted to say that I think you're so brave.
Swell to the last.
And here's your pin back.
I thought maybe you could give it to Clay.
That's not mine. It's your mom's.
What are you talking about?
When we were having our troubles, she gave it to me
to give to you to take the pressure off of our relationship.
You went to my mom for advice?
No, she... She reached out to me.
I hope that's okay.
Toni Topaz.
What are the odds? I was actually just about to come find you.
To say goodbye?
You can't do it, Cheryl.
Running away with Archie would be a huge mistake.
You don't understand my situation.
You think you can run away from Riverdale, your family.
But you can't outrun yourself.
Who you are.
What makes you think you know me better than I know myself?
I was you.
Do you love him?
Archie...
Archie is a great person.
With the best heart.
And he's nothing like my family. So...
I see.
So you hop on a bus with a boy and move across the country.
But...
eventually, you're gonna have to look at yourself
in the mirror and face who you really are.
Otherwise, you'll just wither away.
Mom, where's Ethel?
Why, she's gone, dear.
Gone? Gone where?
I called my friend Janet at Social Services,
and she thought it would be best
that we send Ethel to The Sisters of Quiet Mercy.
Mom, the nuns there are bonkers.
They do experiments on people.
They do not, Elizabeth.
That rumor has been debunked.
It's what's best for Ethel.
Trust me. I know I'm right about this.
Is that what you said to Kevin when you told him to pin me?
What on earth are you talking about?
Did you give this to Kevin and tell him to pin me, Mother?
To settle me and my urges down?
I may have given some advice in passing.
Oh, come off it, Mom.
What are you so afraid of?
Is it... Is it Ethel? Is it that book?
Is it me? What is it?
You know, I'm here to protect you
from dangers that you don't even know are coming your way.
But one day you will, and you'll thank me for it.
I really doubt it.
I burned it.
Your sex book.
So you won't be reading it under the covers anymore.
Wait, I got us bus tickets.
Or, are we taking your convertible instead?
I'm so sorry, Archie, but...
I can't go out West with you.
This has been the most beautiful pipe dream with
the most wonderful guy a girl could ever ask for.
But that's all it is. A fantasy.
You've been a true gentleman, but I have to face the music.
I can't keep running from all my problems.
At least, not this one.
- Cheryl... - Archie, someday you are going
to make some girl very happy,
and she is going to want to go with you to California.
Unfortunately...
that girl isn't me.
But maybe, she lives right next door to you.
- You mean... - Maybe you should write Betty
one of those sweet poems of yours.
Cheryl.
Shouldn't you be halfway to Frisco by now?
I decided not to leave with Archie, for many reasons.
Oh, yeah?
I don't know where I go from here.
Well, why don't you start by reading this book?
See if anything in it resonates with you.
Will you do that?
Not for me, but...
for yourself.
Archie, can you come in here for a minute, please?
Uncle Frank.
What are you doing here?
Your mom called.
Caught me up on everything.
Sounded like I needed to come to town to knock some heads...
starting with yours.
All I know is what they've told me,
that Ethel was staying at some home
for wayward children with a bunch of nuns.
Called The Sisters of Quiet Mercy.
Are you okay?
No.
No, I feel like I failed her.
That I failed Ethel.
You didn't.
You fought hard to save her, Jughead, and you did.
You did save her.
Wowie.
You can say that again.