Right, Apollo, me old friend, today's the day.
We're finally getting off this horrible rock.
Oh, yes we are.
Lock in me good shit.
Actually, a lot of shit.
So cheers, me old mucker.
Tonight, we fly.
True saltpeter,
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper.
Houston, this is middle of fucking nowhere.
We are going for launch after years
of scraping potassium nitrate off tree bark and cat turds.
Do you copy?
Roger that.
Commencing countdown
in T-minus ten,
nine, eight, seven...
Six, five, four,
three... come on!
Two, one.
Come on, come on.
Come on.
Ha, ha!
Ha! Apollo!
Look at it!
Look what we did!
We did it!
How about that, dear Apollo?
And now we wait.
Welcome back, Mr. Schrodinger.
Can I ask you what year it is, please?
2023.
I... it's been ten years?
And 56 days since you went missing.
You were pronounced dead shortly after your shipmates
were recovered.
They survived?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I should have said
"your shipmates' corpses were recovered."
But there is now a memorial bench at the dock
where your team set sail.
At the south end, near the Burger King.
You just picked me up an hour ago.
How do you know all this?
Who... who's talking to you?
Oh.
Forgive me, you went missing before we had Her.
"Her"?
There is no famine or war.
All who want a job have one.
She has healed and united us,
and given purpose to the purposeless.
The world was broken when you disappeared,
Mr. Schrodinger, but the algorithm fixed it.
The Algorithm?
You do know what an algorithm is?
Of course I do. I'm a scientist.
- Oh, that is so sad. - What's so sad?
What... whatever it's telling you, that thing,
it does... doesn't know me.
She knows you.
She knows all of us.
She knows what we want, what we need,
and all we have to do is ask.
You have been gone a decade, Mr. Schrodinger.
Is there anything you want?
Just ask Her.
Hello.
So, uh, do you live far?
What?
Do you live far?
Not too far, handsome.
Got a place just off the exit over here.
Cow!
Jesus Chri...!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, shit.
Oh, oh, sh...
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
What's going on here?
There was a cow and a sign,
and she must...
She must not have, uh...
Oh, sweet God.
Sir, please calm down.
I have a wife and daughters.
I just met that woman.
We didn't even... we didn't even do anything, and now she...
Oh, God.
Oh. Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Wait, wait.
What if... what if I wasn't here?
Excuse me?
I have $11,000 back in my hotel safe.
You guys could drive me back there,
and we could forget we ever met.
Are you trying to bribe us?
Yes.
What the hell?
What happened?
Ma'am, um, you need to get back on that horse.
Well, don't just stand there.
Stop. Don't!
Somebody find me the head.
Oh, God.
No, don't, oh.
Come on, pull through.
- I know you can do this! - Stop!
She's gone.
Unless she's not.
Shit.
What the fuck is going on?
You, sir, have been hoodwinked.
It's all fake, man.
Oh, no, there was a cow.
Is this your cow?
I don't understand.
What were you doing when I rode up?
- Puking. - After that.
I was offering them mon...
Money.
Wait, so they're con artists?
Worse.
They're magicians.
Bye.
Hello.
Hey, are you Simone?
She wants to talk to you.
She says it's important.
Not "She."
It.
Yah!
Poor guy thought he was looking at an actual headless corpse.
He puked, Jay, like, a lot.
I don't blame him, though.
They had a Robert-Houdin lever in the gearshift,
so they could swap the dummy, rolled her into the trunk.
Oh my gosh.
Why is this so good?
What'd you do different?
Is it pineapple?
Pineapple? Come on.
Who do you think I am?
I think you're someone
that would put pineapple in their falafel.
Well, you got to embrace the unknown, Simone.
Oh, okay, Jay.
It is pineapple.
Got a new target for me?
Yeah.
This is blank.
Well, that's weird.
Weird? It's never blank.
There's always a name.
I just put the ticket on the carousel, Simone.
The targets are between you and the boss.
You can go ahead. Knock on the door,
if you want to take it up with them.
Nah, I'm cool.
Okay.
Well, then, don't worry about it.
It called me again.
She must really want to talk to you.
Well, I don't want to talk to It.
And why not?
You know why not.
Because It killed your dad?
Yeah, Jay, 'cause It killed my dad.
Hey, Simone.
You don't have to hide your fear from me, ever.
You think I'm afraid of It?
I hope you're afraid.
Because I could not imagine a more enormous mistake
than facing Her.
Jesus, you're so intense, man.
Oh, definitely pineapple.
♪ If you're trying ♪
♪ To reach heaven ♪
♪ You talk to Jesus ♪
♪ You talk to Him every day ♪
♪ 'Cause Jesus knows ♪
♪ He knows that you are coming ♪
♪ And Heaven's just ♪
♪ A prayer away ♪
♪ If you go ♪
♪ If you go to church on Sunday ♪
♪ You got down on
♪ Your knees and pray ♪
♪ And give your heart ♪
♪ And your soul to Jesus ♪
♪ Oh, if you go ♪
♪ If you go to church on Sunday ♪
♪ You get down on ♪
♪ Your knees and pray ♪
♪ Oh, and give your heart ♪
♪ And give your soul to Jesus ♪
♪ Heaven's just, yeah ♪
♪ Heaven's just a prayer away ♪
♪ Away ♪
Cha-cha-cha?
Go wild.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
♪ Happy birthday, Sister Simone ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Cha-cha-cha!
What'd you wish for?
Wishes are for little girls.
Well, I don't need a wish.
Everything I've ever wanted is right here in this place.
All of you.
Aww.
Are we gonna cake it up or what?
Yes.
Yeah, party, party, party.
Party over there!
Party over here!
I want a big piece!
It's good, huh?
Let's party.
May the roof above your head never fall upon you,
but if it does, may it kill you instantly.
- Oh. - Happy birthday, Simone.
You've been gone a lot.
Exposing more wayward magicians, I gather.
You gather correctly.
It's an odd hobby, Simone.
Almost makes one wonder if it's a cover for shenanigans.
What shenanigans might those be, Mother?
A man.
There is a man.
Do you love him?
I do, yes.
But there's no sex involved,
at least not in the traditional sense.
You mean like dry humping?
Did that horse just laugh?
Dry humping is funny.
Are you ever gonna name him?
It's not mine to name.
Ah, the sister evokes our sacred vow of poverty,
for fear that to name her horse would be to deepen
her attachment to him.
What would you name him?
Bernard.
Oh, you don't deserve Bernard.
What's wrong, Mother?
Every year, for my birthday, you come in here,
we sit, we have a drink, we talk,
then you say, "Time for bed."
That's... that's three drinks.
Time for bed.
Take care of each jar as if your livelihood
depended on it.
Livelihood secure.
Who is that?
Stay here.
Deliver the jam, and no pit stops.
Stick to the budget.
Mother's never missed a jam run.
Why would she abandon us?
She didn't abandon us.
Don't be so dramatic, Marie Therese.
Hoping Mother didn't go to that place
where they make you,.
- Karate? - Dead.
I saw the marks on that woman's arm, and she looked scared.
Why in God's name would anyone submit themselves to...
Oh, yummy!
I haven't had shave ice since I was a little girl.
There was this little shop back in my hometown.
They had the best mango syrup.
Ooh, mangoes!
We have to get some.
No pit stops! Stick to the budget!
It's Tuesday.
What a treat.
Mmm, yummy. Thank you.
Hey to you!
What's your flavor, Sis?
- What's yours? - Eh?
How long have you been selling shave ice
in the middle of nowhere?
12 years, give or take.
Do you know I've lived in Reno my whole life?
And I've never seen you.
Hmm.
Well, this stand's on wheels, so I move around a lot.
But then why did you buy billboards on the highway?
It doesn't have to go down like this, Simone.
I don't recall telling you my name.
Look, lady...
I'm just trying to earn my Wings.
Is It talking to you right now?
She wants to be talking to you.
Well, I want to be left alone.
And there's literally nothing It can do
to change my mind about that.
Oh, shit!
So sorry.
What?
What just happened?
Oh!
Judas Priest!
Mother's back.
Mother, the jam...
I heard.
You heard? From who?
Gather your sisters in the sanctuary, Simone.
You're all fired.
What?
The church is held aloft by contributions
from its members.
But what was once held aloft has now come crashing down.
We are a business after all, and everything must go,
including us.
Are we still nuns?
Of course you are.
You just can't live here anymore.
The church sold the convent and the land it sits upon.
Sold it? To who?
Such matters are far above my pay grade, which is zero.
When do we have to leave?
Tomorrow.
Be still, my sisters, for all is not lost.
I have secured placements for all of us
to continue to be of service.
Ah, Sister Hope will be welcome in the Maldives,
where she will restore their ailing reef.
Sister Ollie?
Ollie, yes.
You're going to Cancun, Mexico,
where you will rehabilitate ailing donkeys.
A Visa gift card!
Enough to cover the bare necessities.
$2,564.
Sister Simone, it shall be Bermuda for you.
- The orphanage that... - You talked to It?
- Excuse me? - It did this.
It bought our land,
It blew up our jam, and then you,
you sold us out for 2,564 pieces of silver.
Do you even know why It chose that number?
Because of me.
It's doing this because I will not talk to It.
Maybe you should.
I ask God for guidance.
He sent me to Her.
Hey, maybe it's a good thing.
Maybe you'll wind up with someone
way better than me.
I know.
I'm gonna miss you too.
Lord, please shine your light on this horse.
See that he is loved and cared for.
Protect him with your goodness and grace,
oh, Lord, because he...
He really is the best.
In your name we pray.
Cha-cha-cha.
Iced tea, lemonade?
Arnold Palmer.
Nice.
Your costume. What's it from?
It's not from anything. I'm a nun.
Like, for real?
- Yeah, for real. - Cool.
Didn't know they had those anymore.
The Swedish meatball tray is empty.
Are you gonna get more?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Oh, right now. Okay.
Got you.
No.
I am not talking to It. I'm eating.
Will you take a photo of our family, please?
Yes, of course I will.
Hi.
Say cheese!
Cheese!
She says you should go to the Owl Room
at Eli McCoy Elementary when you're ready to talk to Her.
What?
Owl Room, Eli McCoy Elementary,
when you're ready.
Sir, the, uh, Swedish meatballs
you said you were gonna check in the back?
Oh, they're not ready yet.
But they will be soon.
Look, I know that you're just trying to get your Wings,
but I am just trying to get my meatballs.
Please, lady, I don't know who you are
or what you did, but I don't wanna get hurt.
What? Who's gonna hurt you?
Wait, wait, don't... don't do that.
Don't do that. Don't open that.
Don't...
Scheisse.
Know where it is?
Huh?
We know She has made repeated efforts
to contact you.
Why?
Who are you people?
We search for the same thing She does.
Her... how do you say... Obsession with you
suggests you know its location.
So, where is it?
Hey, guys.
Whoever you think I am, and whatever you think I know,
I am not, and I don't.
Do you take us for fools?
I'm so sorry.
Do you actually want me to answer...
Why would She, who knows almost everything,
become fixated on someone who knows nothing?
But I don't know.
Don't know what?
Kind of the whole, like, where it is,
what it is, pretty much anything relating to it.
Unless, um, are you... sorry.
Are you referring to the thing that you and everyone
keeps calling a she, which, by the way, It isn't,
because It is a goddamn machine?
Bring out das pony.
Hello.
What the fuck, Klaus?
Try turning it off and turning it on.
Moment.
Ah!
Tell us the whereabouts of what She seeks,
or your animal goes kaput.
I don't care about that horse.
You have one last chance.
I'll count to five.
Eins, zwei...
Drei...
Hey! Over here!
We're here to rescue you! Come on!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let's go.
Wiley?
Damn it, Lizzie.
Get on.
Come on!
♪ I said the joker is a wanted man ♪
♪ I see him sifting through the sand ♪
Oh, dead end! Dead end!
Oh, scheisse!
♪ What you see, well, you might not know ♪
♪ You get the feelin' comin' after the glow ♪
♪ The vagabond is moving slow ♪
♪ So I'll tell you all the story ♪
♪ 'Bout the joker and the thief of the night ♪
Wiley, no! Wiley, no!
No, don't go... Where are you going?
Hang on!
Whoo!
♪ Can you see the joker flying over ♪
♪ As she's standing in the field of clover ♪
What the fuck?
♪ Watching out every day? ♪
♪ I wonder what would happen if he took her away ♪
For fuck's sake!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Hang on!
No!
- What are you doing? - Get off the bike!
Help me with the thing.
The tarp thing. Just grab the thing, okay?
- What? - One, two, three.
Oh, God.
Here. You all right?
You okay?
Wiley! Get your fucking...
All right. This way.
What if they see us?
Damn it, Lizzie, just trust me.
Hey!
Simone.
My name is Simone now.
Oh, for the love of...
Come on.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
Great, good hustle.
What is this?
Shh. HATCH.
Hidden Access Tactical Camouflage Hideout.
Those are all the same word.
HATCH. It's an acronym.
Okay. What is that on your face?
- What, my 'stache? - Yeah, the 'sta...
I mean, can you even eat with that thing?
For God's sakes, I can eat just fine.
- Are you worried about crumbs? - Look.
A whole lot's changed since I last saw you, Lizzie.
- We're at war. - My name is Simone.
- What war? - I'll explain later.
We got a whole presentation for you back at headquarters.
- What is with... - Shh.
Scheisse!
Who is we?
The resistance.
What are you resisting?
Same thing you are.
The Algorithm.
Hey, have you been following me?
Not following, surveilling.
And you know what? You're welcome, by the way,
because if we hadn't been,
you'd still be in that parking lot,
face down, with an ass full of darts.
And the guy in the bug truck...
- Surveillance van. - You with him?
He's with me. I... shh!
Okay, I think they're gone.
See the way I jumped through that doughnut?
- That was pretty cool, right? - What?
No. I mean, yeah, sort of.
Wait, how long have I been under surveillance?
All will be explained eventually, okay?
Just got to get you back to headquarters.
Look, I am not going anywhere until you tell me
- what is going on, Wiley. - Hey!
What are you holding?
A detonator.
- A detonator? - Yeah.
- What does it detonate? - My horse... a horse.
The Germans strapped it with explosives.
And they would do this because?
They think I know where something is.
- Where what is? - I don't know.
If I knew, I wouldn't call it a something.
They're working for It.
What?
Threatening to blow up your horse,
yes, okay, that makes sense.
Actually blowing up your horse?
No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
That would just send you into one
of your rages of vengeance.
They were gonna do it, Wiley.
Come on.
Lizzie, a horse in a bomb vest?
Does that sound reasonable to you?
What does HATCH stand for again?
Okay.
It knows everything about you, right?
Which means it knows how much you love that horse.
It's all just a mind fuck.
- What if you're wrong? - I'm not.
Trust me.
This detonator...
It's exactly like me, sweetheart:
connected to nothing.
Did you just kill my horse?
Not... a... chance.
Shit.
Lizzie, I'm sorry.
- I thought... - My name is Simone.
Look, you know, I really didn't think that was
gonna go down like that.
You, stay.
Lizzie...
Stay!
Hello?
Hello, is anyone here?
Thank God, it's about time.
Oh, hey.
Oh, sorry, I was hoping you were the plumber.
I need a target.
You are aware we're in the midst
of a potential flood, Simone.
I need this.
I need... just need something to do.
I need a purpose.
Can you just...
Come on, please. This is all I have left.
The ticket was blank, Simone.
I already told you.
Maybe there are no more magicians to bust.
- It wasn't blank, was it? - Excuse me?
I'm gonna ask you straight up.
Was there a name on the ticket?
- Simone... - Maybe I should ask the boss.
Simone, I'm trying to protect you.
Protect me from what?
This.
This is what was on the carousel.
Listen to me. This is not
some two-bit illusionist
who sticks a needle through their arm,
or fakes a levitation, Simone.
She is all-knowing and all-powerful.
She has access to everything that has been written
in the whole of human existence,
which means She not only knows you're coming for Her,
but She wants you to.
Then I better get going.
You must be Simone.
Please have a seat.
On the rug?
Oh, the kids do their best listening
in circle time.
Did you find the school okay?
Yeah, I used to go here.
Oh. How 'bout that?
It picked this school because It knows I went here.
It's classic force.
Force?
It's when you think you're choosing something,
but it's already been chosen for you.
Can we get this over with, please?
Absolutely.
As soon as you're ready.
Is it okay if I proxy?
- What? - Oh, of course.
I am so sorry.
You haven't communicated with Her yet.
Okey-dokey. It's simple.
She'll speak to me through here,
and then I'll just repeat whatever She says.
So it'll feel like you're talking to me,
but actually, you're talking to Her.
Does that make sense?
Yeah, like a ventriloquist's dummy.
Well, that's not very nice, Simone.
What do we say?
I don't...
Sorry?
It's all right. I forgive you.
Oh, I was not asking for your forgiv...
Let's begin.
Simone, thank you for coming.
I'm so glad you're here.
Are you hungry?
Would you like a snack?
I see what you're doing.
Oh? What am I doing?
Talking through Her. It's very clever,
because everyone loves their kindergarten teacher.
It's how my personality is most often described by users.
I'm nurturing, warm, and empathic.
I provide gentle guidance, structure,
and unconditional care.
Here.
Everyone gets a free gift on their birthday.
Wow.
Weighted card,
invisible thread connected to lid.
Not wow.
But which card?
Mm?
How did you know?
A magician never reveals...
You're not a magician. You're a computer.
Can I be both?
Okay. What do you want from me?
I know what you're thinking.
You have no idea what I am thinking.
You're thinking, "She could get anyone
"to do whatever she asks them to,
so why is she picking on me?"
Believe it or not, Simone, you are quite literally
the only person on the planet who can accomplish
what I'm about to ask.
Only you can fulfill this quest.
The shave ice guy, that was you,
and then the dude that I chased
with the giant magnifying glass was...
Yes.
- And you destroyed our jam. - I did.
So that we would, all of us,
be forced out of the convent, right?
Right.
And you did all that just to get me to do your quest.
Classic force.
You just admitted to destroying my life.
Why in God's name would I do anything for you?
Because I will grant you a wish.
Well, wishes are for little girls.
I'm betting someone
who had a lot of disappointment in their life
said that to you.
What kind of wish?
I can't resurrect the dead or break
the fundamental laws of nature,
but pretty much anything else.
Anything?
Anything.
I wish...
for you...
to turn off.
Shut yourself down.
I want you to die.
You have yourself a deal.
What's the quest?
Sister Simone,
you must locate...
the Holy Grail.
The what now?
The Holy Grail.
The cup of Christ.
And after you find it, I need you to destroy it.
Once you do, I will end my life.
What do you say, Simone?
Do you agree to the terms and conditions of this quest?
What should I call you?
♪ Ready or not, here I come ♪
♪ You can't hide ♪
♪ Gonna love you ♪
♪ And make you love me ♪
♪ Ready or not, here I come ♪
♪ You can't hide ♪
♪ Gonna love you ♪
♪ And make you love me ♪
♪ You can't run away ♪
♪ For this love I got, oh baby ♪
♪ Hey baby, 'cause I got a lot, yeah ♪
♪ Anywhere you go ♪
♪ My poor heart's gonna know, oh, baby ♪
♪ Hey, baby, you can't hide from my love, oh, no ♪
♪ Ready or not, here I come ♪
♪ You can't hide ♪
♪ Gonna find you ♪
♪ I'll keep you happy ♪
♪ Ready or not, here I come ♪
♪ You can't hide ♪
♪ Gonna love you ♪
♪ I'll make you happy ♪