JAZZY MUSIC
I would now like to ask the House
to join with me in a minute's silence
in memory of the late John Stonehouse,
the honourable member for Walsall North.
SHOUTING AND JEERING
I realise that the Right Honourable gentlemen and ladies
sitting opposite may find something unusual about this Government,
something that may puzzle them, make them scratch their heads.
For one thing, there are no relatives of mine in it.
LAUGHTER
What's more, there are none of my wife's relatives in it!
Nor is there anyone in this Government
that I went to school with, or met at a clubland dinner
or while tramping across a grouse moor.
The members of my Cabinet are here for one reason and one reason only -
because they are the best people for the job!
CHEERING
The best people for the job!
LAUGHING
CHEERING
So much for the big fish.
Now for the minnows...
What about the bright young things?
Who's banging on the door?
John Stonehouse.
Oh, yes, Stonehouse.
What do we know about him?
Working class boy.
Parents both trade unionists -
father a post office engineer,
mother a former scullery maid.
Married man?
Very much so.
Anything else?
Served in the RAF during the War.
Better give him Aviation, then.
Here's to Aviation. The first rung on the ladder.
Who knows where it will lead?
I think you know exactly where it will lead.
Well, I could never have got this far without you.
And it won't always be easy, you know.
The juggling and everything...
You let me worry about that.
You just keep on climbing...
all the way to the top.
Your mother is a truly wonderful woman,
in case you ever doubted it, and I'm a very lucky man.
We're a team.
A team! Hm.
You're so right. That's exactly what we are.
Hm. A team!
And so say all of us!
To Daddy! To Daddy.
Ah!
I don't want you to go, Daddy.
I'm only going for a few days.
Daddy's going to see some airplanes being built.
Do you know, when Daddy was your age,
Daddy belonged to a group called the Woodcraft Folk.
And sometimes, when Daddy was feeling a bit mis,
his mama - your grandmama - would sing him a special Woodcraft song.
# Maybe it is raining
# Where our train will ride
# All the little travellers
# Are warm and snug inside
# Rocking, rolling, riding
# Out along the bay
# All bound for Morningtown
# Many miles away. #
Mr Stonehouse,
on behalf of the Czechoslovak Socialist Republic,
I would like to welcome you to Prague.
We look forward to a productive exchange of information
about our respective aircraft industries.
Thank you so much. I'm delighted to be here.
And may I introduce Irena Bala,
who will be acting as translator during your stay?
It's very good of you to take the time to have dinner with me.
Oh, it's not good of me at all.
So..
Na zdravi!
Dun... Dun favi.
That means, "To your health." Ah.
Na zdravi!
Hmm!
So you, too, are a linguist, Mr Stonehouse!
SHE LAUGHS
So, I expect you must get quite a lot of visitors from the West?
Quite a lot, yes.
But they're not always such good company.
Hm.
Why don't I order for both of us?
Ano?
Budeme mit tradicni ceske speciality.
Dekuji, pani.
Dekujeme.
Jeste neco?
We're going to have traditional Czech specialities.
Ah.
I'm in your hands.
Good.
THEY PANT
THEY MOAN
Cafe?
Ah, yes, super.
Nechte nas na chvili prosim, dekujeme.
Oh! Mr Stonehouse...
Ah. ..before we start today's tour,
we thought it might be instructive for you to see a little film first.
Right. Oh, of course. Yes, delighted.
Prosim. Please. Oh.
Mr Stonehouse,
you came here as an official representative of your country.
And I hope you found the hospitality to your liking?
Now, we would like to invite you to become an unofficial representative
of our country in Great Britain.
You want me to spy for you?
Sadly, you and I, we find ourselves
on opposite sides of an ideological divide.
The Iron Curtain, if you will.
But, ultimately, we're both working for the same cause...
..the good of humanity.
Isn't that right?
So, all we want is for you to pass on any information
that comes your way.
Information you will give me when the two of us meet, in London,
thereby fostering closer ties between our two great nations.
Would I be paid?
DOOR OPENS Here he comes.
Stand up straight. There we are.
ALL: Welcome home! Daddy! Oh!
Hello, hello!
Oh, marvellous, how marvellous it is to be home.
It's Stonehouse.
John Stonehouse.
WOMAN: 'Come in.'
And so, as the Vulcan came in to land in heavy rain,
the wheels skidded on the tarmac
and the pilot decided to abort the landing.
But as he did so, the blast from his jets caused extensive damage
to a petrol station on the A38 trunk road just north of Bristol.
Hm.
It went completely unreported.
John...
if I may...
erm, the key to this kind of work
is the quality of information that the agent provides.
It has to be something that is, shall we say,
of at least passing interest to the other party.
Right. Right.
It's all right. Just early days.
Hm.
Yeah.
Now, you're going to need a codename to conceal your identity.
Those codenames are randomly chosen in Prague,
so you shouldn't read any significance into them.
I see.
And what's mine?
Twister.
What are you doing?
It's private.
But I...
I thought we didn't have secrets from one another.
Something for your birthday.
But that's...
two months away.
Hm.
Please, take a seat.
CLEARS THROAT
So, what can we do for you today?
I'd like to open a new account, please.
In the name of John Thomson - no P -
Stonehouse.
John Thomson Stonehouse. No P.
And I'd like to make an initial deposit.
Oh, of course, Mr Stonehouse. By cheque?
No.
Cash.
Very good.
It's going to be an absolute pleasure
investing in your marvellous company.
Cheers. Cheers!
I'm so pleased you could make it.
Us, too.
And I very much look forward to our doing business together.
Terrific.
CAR ENGINE ROARS
Good afternoon, and welcome, gentlemen.
This'll be an Anglo-French venture between BAC and the French company,
Sud Aviation.
We intend to build an initial fleet of 50 aircraft
at a projected cost of £1.2 billion.
This will be the greatest leap forward in aviation
since the Wright brothers took to the air more than 60 years ago.
The aircraft, provisionally known as Concorde,
will operate at supersonic speeds.
It will have a cruising speed of Mach 2,
and it will be able to fly from London to New York
in just three and a half hours.
APPLAUSE
Three and a half hours! Three and a half hours!
That's faster than the speed of sound.
Twice as fast, I think you'll find.
Surely that's the sort of thing you wanted!
Hmm.
It would be, yes...
..if it hadn't been on French television news
two nights ago, hm?
You see, another important thing about, er,
being a spy
is that you have to get information
before everyone else.
Not after.
Well, it's like a two-horse race.
First place? Jolly good show.
Everybody happy.
Second place?
Well, not so good - you have to try harder.
I should warn you that we work rather long hours round here.
That's fine for me.
Tends to play havoc with one's private life, I'm afraid.
That won't be a pwoblem.
No? You won't want to go out dancing?
I think my dancing days are over.
Oh, I can't imagine why. CHUCKLES
Erm, do you have shorthand?
It's a little wopey, I'm afwaid,
but I'm sure I'll soon pick it up again.
When I said that shorthand was essential,
erm, I meant more that it's likely to...
come in handy.
Is there anything else I should know?
You've pwobably noticed I have a slight speech impediment.
Some people find it distwacting, especially on the telephone.
Oh, no, that wouldn't be a problem.
Not at all.
It's charming.
Show him in, would you?
Prime Minister!
John, this is Charles Elwell, Head of Counterintelligence.
So sorry. Forgetting my manners. Do take a seat, John.
Let me come straight to the point.
We have reason to believe that a minister in the government
has been passing information to the Czechoslovakian Secret Services.
I'm sure you will appreciate that, as head of security,
I have to take an interest in these matters.
Of course, Prime Minister.
Why don't you tell us about your involvement with...
the Anglo-Czech Friendship Society?
Um...
Yes.
I'm very glad that you raised that.
Erm...
It's long been an interest of mine - erm, Czech culture.
All aspects of Czech culture, really.
Erm, art, literature, music, erm...
And as you may know,
the Czechs are renowned for their glass-blowing,
and particularly, PARTICULARLY in Bohemia,
where the-the potash in the soil
helps produce a glass that's unusually pliable,
and this allows the glass-blowers there
to create these extraordinarily complex designs.
And recently, I've also begun to take a keen interest
in Czech animation.
Yes, er, thank you. I think we get the point.
These cultural links can often lead to misinterpretation.
That'll be all, Charles.
John...
would you mind staying for a moment?
Now we've got that out of the way,
there's something else I'd like to talk to you about.
We've been having a little bit of difficulty with Wedgie Benn.
It would seem that old Wedgie has got it into his head
that it would be a good idea to remove the Queen's head
from the Royal Mail stamps.
In the interests of social equality, or so he claims.
I need hardly tell you
that Her Majesty did not take kindly to this idea.
Frankly, I've never heard her so put out.
All of which leads me to believe,
er, that we might need a bit of a shake-up.
John, I would like you to become the new Postmaster General.
HE EXHALES
But it-it's a lovely house! Of course it is.
I just... I just don't think it's very...
Very what?
Very us.
John? Mm?
Did you hear what I said?
Yes, of course.
And I-I... Well, I'm not sure how we're supposed to afford it, either.
Investments.
I'm sorry?
I've made, erm, a number of what have proved to be
rather inspired speculations.
And, erm... And speaking engagements.
But...
..in what?
I'm sorry?
What companies were these inspired investments of yours in?
Ha-ha! Darling, I really do think
that these sort of things are best left to me.
After all, which of us is a graduate of the London School of Economics?
Hm? I seem to have forgotten.
Lovely. On we go, chaps.
Erm, ah, let me... Wait a second, let me see...
Ah, that's the pink one, wonderful. In there, in the drawing room.
Straight through, to the right.
Straight the way through, all the way to the kitchen.
Super. CHUCKLES
Oh, be very careful with that. That's one of my favourites.
Thank you, carry on.
Erm, what else do we have?
Exciting, isn't it?
Straight through, that's the same, that's the drawing room.
If this country is to have a highly efficient economy,
it is essential we have a communications system to match.
CHEERING
And that is why I am announcing the greatest overhaul to the Post Office
in the organisation's 450-year history!
CHEERING
You're certainly on top of your game, John.
And not just on court.
How do you mean?
That Post Office speech went down a storm.
People are talking about you.
What sort of people?
Oh, people like me. Newspaper editors.
Oh, really? What are they saying?
They're saying that when Wilson eventually goes,
the Members might choose to skip a generation,
go for a younger man.
Someone with more appeal to a new generation of voters.
So, of course, it's all just speculation.
I mean, it would be very rash to read much into it.
Informed speculation, though.
That's true. That's true.
And I must say,
I-I do admire The Sunday Times for its political coverage,
and it's not as if Wilson can go on forever, can he?
I mean, Harry said - Harry Evans - he said that he thought
I might appeal to a younger generation.
As a younger voter yourself, do...?
Do you think there might be anything in that?
Very much so. Oh, really? Do you?
Really? Really.
Well...
Thank you.
What a lovely coat.
Well, it's a blend of merino...
wool and cashmere.
You get the softness from the cashmere,
but the merino gives it more durability.
Good night.
And thank you again. You're very...
What?
What am I? Tell me.
Chivalwous.
Good night, Sheila.
I'd like to open a new account, if I may.
Another one?
Assuming there are no objections...
Well, not-not at all.
As many as you like.
Another account, you said?
Yes, in the name of Provident Executive Holdings.
Hm. A rainy-day account.
Beg your pardon?
"Provident". Preparing for future eventualities.
Ah. Quite. Yeah.
A two-tier postal system.
First class, guaranteed next day delivery.
In the morning, not in the afternoon.
And second class for less urgent correspondence.
I thought I'd made myself clear...
This'll completely revolutionise the postal service,
giving the customer more choice in terms of both price and speed.
Hey, John...
we made an investment in you.
A considerable investment that's showing a very poor return.
If I wanted to talk about the postal service, which I don't,
I'd join a stamp club.
Oh, I... I really don't think...
No! Enough!
You are the worst spy I have ever come across.
Ever!
Seriously, the worst.
I warned you there would be consequences
if you didn't give us something useful.
What sort of consequences?
Well, there are three options.
Option one is that we stop paying you anything.
I have three children at expensive private schools!
Of course, like all good Socialists (!)
Option two is that you wake up one morning
to find your bare buttocks on the front page
of the Daily Mirror.
You said there were three options. What's the third?
Both.
I do enjoy our late-night walks together.
When I'm with you, all my cares just seem to melt away.
So do I.
Enjoy them.
Sometimes I even find myself wishing...
What?
That they didn't have to end...
Are you sure, Prime Minister?
I mean, timing could be risky...
The timing's always risky.
But the latest polls have us nearly 20% ahead of the Tories.
That's the biggest lead since polling began.
What's more, Ladbrokes have the England team
joint favourites to win the World Cup in Mexico,
so if we don't call the election now,
we could live to regret it.
Well, if you really think so, Prime Minister.
But I'm... I'm not sure...
I-I... John...
John.
Would you say that I was a good-looking man?
No, let me answer that.
No-one, not even my wife, has ever suggested that I was
in any way a knock-out.
Mary says that when she sees me on the television,
she's reminded of an old saucepan.
And as for the other members of the Cabinet, well,
there's no shortage of saucepans there, either...
You, on the other hand, are a bit of a head-turner.
Oh, no... Yes. So I have been assured.
Frankly, I can't see it myself, me not being that way with...
Um...
Well, you get my general drift.
So, I would like to ask you
if you would represent us on television on election night.
Waving the flag, as it were. How do you feel about that?
Well, I'd... I'd be honoured, Prime Minister.
If you wave it around vigorously enough, who knows?
There might be another promotion in it for you.
Perhaps something involving plenty of foreign travel.
Now, you know how good you are on television.
Everyone says so.
Just remember to talk slowly and look at the camera.
Right. Thank you, darling.
I've brought some thwoat pastilles. Just in case.
Oh, erm...
Er, Barbara, I don't think you've met my secretary,
Sheila Buckley. Sheila, this is my wife, Barbara.
How thoughtful.
Mr Michelmore!
Mrs Thatcher.
How very nice to see you.
And Mr Stonehouse, of course.
Feeling confident?
Quietly.
I think we're ready for you now.
Oh, er, I'm sorry.
'Following the Conservatives' surprise victory
'in the general election,
'the new Leader of the Opposition, Harold Wilson,
'has been making some key changes to his Shadow Cabinet.'
But why? Being in opposition's bad enough,
but surely there must have been something in the Shadow Cabinet?
Transport, even?
No, I'm afraid, er...
..Harold didn't think you were quite 100%.
He felt it was time for a fresh start.
Oh, for God's sake!
It'll be all right.
What am I supposed to do?
I can hardly be expected to live on an MP's salary, can I?
I'm finished.
Yesterday's man.
Now, now, enough of that.
You can always bounce back.
Do you really think so?
Of course. Look at Winston Churchill.
But that-that took ten years!
And a World War!
It's Twister.
Hello? Hello?
It's Twister. Can you let me in, please?
It's John Stonehouse.
'A loan, you say?'
I'm afraid that a number of companies that you set up
seem to have run into some difficulties.
Connoisseurs of Claret Ltd...
I agree, yes, that the figures there have been somewhat disappointing.
Hmm.
Excalibur Earnings Group...
Again, I would have to acknowledge a degree of underperformance.
It's my understanding that the company has, in fact,
ceased trading.
Asbesto Oven Mitts Ltd.
The British Bank of Bangladesh...
What about Worldwide Consultancy Solutions Ltd?
That's performing quite creditably.
Indeed, but that is a joint company account,
so I'm afraid I can't allow you access to those funds.
I can't pretend that everything, erm,
has gone just as I would have expected or hoped,
and that is why...
I'm very sorry, Mr Stonehouse.
No, no, no, I am aware that the school fees are overdue,
but as I tried to explain before,
this is just a temporary, erm, problem.
Yes. Yes.
Yes, I'm aware that you are running a business, I understand.
But as an elected representative of the people
and a former Minister of the Crown,
I would have thought that my word would be sufficient.
Please, please, I'm just...
I'm just asking for a little more time, that's all.
Perhaps I could come and give a little talk at the school?
On life at the highest level of government.
I think there would be a lot of interest in the...
Well...
Well, if you continue to take that attitude,
and quite unreasonably in my view,
there's plainly nothing I can do, is there?!
This... This is a mess.
You're a mess. You've...
You've got to sort this out.
Just leave it to me.
# Rocking, rolling, riding
# Out along the bay
# All bound for Morningtown. #
HE SOBS
Ah, Mr Stonehouse?
I'm afraid Mr Grainger's away. I'm his deputy.
Ah. Well, you're very young to be doing such a responsible job,
if you don't mind my saying.
Well, it's a pleasure to meet someone
with such a distinguished record of public service. Oh!
I've always followed your career with great interest.
Not that it's over yet, I'm sure.
Erm, so, unfortunately,
I've been having a few problems with one of our company accounts -
Worldwide Consultancy Solutions Group Ltd.
Particularly with international transfers.
And so for ease of access,
I'd like to put £10,000 from that business
into another account.
Another account?
That's right.
I see.
And what account would you like it transferred...?
Provident Executive Holdings.
So from a business account to your personal account.
Just until the problems have been resolved.
HORROR SOUNDTRACK PLAYS
Morning. Birth certificate, please.
Paul Oliver Duggan. Born in the parish
of Sambourne Fishley, 3rd of April, 1929.
Fill in the form.
You'll find the 1929s up the stairs, and left at the first gallery.
Right, thanks.
No, I did think it was good,
but, for me, the whole thing was let down
by that utterly implausible plot twist.
You know, the Jackal getting hold of a passport in someone else's name
by simply sending in the birth certificate
of a person who died years before.
I mean, that's absurd.
Is it?
How do you mean?
I had a fwiend who used to work in the public records office
of Somerset House. Hm?
She was in Births.
Turned out she had another fwiend who also worked there,
only she was in Deaths.
It was months before they realised they both worked in the same place.
I don't understand.
Births never talked to Deaths.
Deaths never talked to Births.
There was no communication between the two departments.
They were completely separate.
No cwoss-checking, nothing.
So I'm afwaid your Jackal's plan isn't implausible at all.
The wonder is that more people aren't at it.
Not that we'd ever know, of course.
John. Harry!
Hello. Nice surprise.
Although, it's not really a surprise, I suppose.
How do you mean? It's not every day
the Prime Minister calls a general election.
A great mistake, in my view.
I mean, I can see that things were becoming unworkable,
nobody could deny that, but it's gonna be a close call.
Right, I'm not... I'm not here because of that.
I'm here because of you.
Me?
Really? Do you think...?
Do you think that if Harold loses again, there might be a...
change of leader?
Cos I... Cos I don't deny that I would be interested.
I mean, more than interested, frankly.
Between ourselves, it's always been a dream of mine,
to-to lead this country in its hour of need,
and-and I don't doubt that I might be a little bit of a dark horse,
at the beginning, anyway, but if I could count on your support,
Harry, that-that might make all the difference!
Er, no, it's not about that, John.
No? No...
It's about a story which we're going to be running in Sunday's paper.
Oh. About your business dealings.
We seem to have uncovered some... inconsistencies.
Absolutely no question of dishonesty!
None whatsoever!
Harry, I deny those allegations in the strongest possible terms.
HE GASPS
TELEPHONE RINGING
Hello, yes?
It's the police!
Hello?
Yes, of course, I would be happy to help the police with any, er...
enquiries... however misguided they may be.
No, no, no, any suggestion of fraud is preposterous.
It's simply preposterous.
Now, unfortunately, I have to go away for a few days
on a Parliamentary matter -
pressing Parliamentary matter, as it happens -
so I'm afraid this will have to wait until I come back.
Yes.
No, thank you. No. No, goodbye, goodbye.
What's happening?
Is anything happening?
Well, the... the police just telephoned.
I'd-I'd say that was something happening.
Oh, no. No, that's nothing of any consequence.
Just security issues with the House of Commons.
Everyone's a bit jittery.
You know how they get around election time.
Hm.
Hello.
How are we?
How do you do?
Hello, nice to see you.
Hello, everybody.
Just here reminding you to vote Labour,
and let's get Harold Wilson back into power where he belongs.
You all look very well, in fact.
I might have a little lie-down myself! Ha!
Oh, dear. Oh!
Very poorly, I'm afraid. Ah.
Mrs Carey.
My condolences.
Thank you.
It's so very kind of you to come.
Will you join us back at the house for some tea?
Oh, I wouldn't want to impose.
Not imposing at all. Joe would have been so proud.
Thank you.
Congratulations on the election result, Mr Stonehouse.
Well, bit of a scrape, but we just managed to get over the line.
A great shame Mr Wilson couldn't find a place for you
in his Cabinet, though.
If only you were Prime Minister.
THEY LAUGH
Would you just excuse me, just for a moment?
Yes, course.
Mr Stonehouse! Can I help?
Mrs Carey.
Erm, I'm afraid I seem to be lost.
Could you tell me where your toilet is?
It's just there.
Ah. Thank you.
Since you're here,
I wonder if I might ask you a bit about your husband,
because I thought I might write a little obituary of him
for the constituency newsletter.
Yes. Of course.
What would you like to know?
Well, erm, shall we start with his date of birth?
June 7th, 1925.
Oh, I'm July, 1925. We were practically twins!
And, erm, where was he born?
Little place called Whittington.
Near Lichfield.
And I wonder if you could give me some flavour of your life together.
For instance, did you like to go on lovely holidays?
Oh, yes. Wonderful holidays.
Happy times. Marvellous.
Where did you like to go?
Oh, always in this country. Never abroad.
Never?
Ridiculous, really.
My husband never even had a passport.
Morning. Birth certificate, please.
Joseph Albert Carey.
Born in the parish of Lichfield, June the 7th, 1925.
Fill in the form.
You'll find the 1925s up the stairs and left at the gallery.
Right. Thanks.
Where are you going, Dad?
Miami. Miami!
Hm-mm. Wow! How long for?
Only for a few days, that's all.
Some people have all the luck.
You'll be back for my rugby match, though?
Oh, yes, of course.
I imagine Daddy will be eating a lot of burgers.
There'll be no chicken pie for you in Miami.
I'm so sorry, I'm not terribly hungry.
It's nothing to do with the meal.
It's delicious, as always.
WOMAN: 'Hello, Samaritans.
'Hello? Hello, Samaritans. How can I help you?
'Hello, Samaritans, how can I help you?'
Bye, Dad. Bye.
See you soon.
You know I love you all very much indeed.
Don't ever forget that.
Good luck, Dad.
Ooh!
Thank you.
What for?
Everything.
Hm.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
'welcome to United Allied flight UAA742 to Miami.'
Have a good flight, Mr Carey.
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